Hannah To Hannah

My mother, Barbara J. Crocker, wrote the following in response to "Childless Mother." When I read it, I realized that I was not alone in my fight. I knew that somehow my mother understood a pain that I thought she could not. I wish the rest of those fighting infertility had a mother like mine. To my sister, we share something that I wish we did not but Mom understands. Love to you both.

A Mother's Prayer

I am the mother of this childless one,

Who from the dawning of day until setting sun;

Lifts her to the throne of grace.

"Dear God, wipe the tears from her lovely face.

Your power brought your son from the tomb.

Your power can fill a barren womb.

Bless my child, Lord, with endless joy.

Give her the gift of a baby girl or boy."

My precious one, do not despair.

I know He hears our every prayer.

Although right now the night seems long,

One day you will sing a happy song.

I pray it will be a sweet lullaby,

The soothing answer to a baby's cry.

Hold on to your faith in our Father above,

Who holds you close in His arms of love.

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Jenni's Journal

Thoughts from Hannah's Prayer Director, Jennifer Saake

Sometimes the Lord sends encouragement from unexpected places. Last year I received a letter from a great aunt I haven't seen in years. In the shaky hand of a woman in her 80's, she asked, "Do you get to see your nephews often? I know babies can be fun - but it can hurt if you want one of your own and don't have one. I went through a period of time when I thought I'd never have a baby…" Since my grandmother had never dealt with fertility challenges, it was a surprise to me to learn that her sister had faced so much discouragement in the pursuit of children. But more than the surprise of such a revelation, what a blessing it was to me that this women took the time to write a letter across the span of time, miles, and generations, simply to lift my spirits.

I exhort the family, friends, and churches of infertile and bereaved couples to take the time to reach out your arms of comfort to those hurting around you. "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2, NIV). If you have yourself faced infertility or the loss of a child, let someone else know that you know how they are hurting. If you haven't experienced such grief personally, it is fine to say, "While I can only imagine the pain you are going through, I just want to acknowledge your struggle and let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers."

Are you the one who is hurting right now, feeling there is no one willing to stand by your side through the trials while your heart aches for your baby? Reflect with me for a moment. The scene is one of a solitary kneeling figure, weeping in the Gethsemane garden in the dark of night. "[Jesus] took Peter, James and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled. 'My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,' he said to them. 'Stay here and keep watch.'

"Going a little farther, he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him. 'Abba, Father,' he said, 'everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will'" (Mark 14:33-36, NIV). "And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground" (Luke 22:44, NIV).

"Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. 'Simon,' he said to Peter, 'are you asleep? Could you not keep watch for one hour? Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.' Once more he went away and prayed the same thing. When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. They did not know what to say to him. Returning the third time, he said to them, 'Are you still sleeping and resting…'" (Mark 14:37-41a, NIV).

In the most painful hour our Lord would ever face, His friends failed Him. His three closest confidants wanted to help, but unable to comprehend His anguish, gave into physical weakness and were snoring away in under and hour. How could they encourage Him? If they tried to grasp the terror of Father and Son separated by the grave, the overwhelming horror would have been more than they could bear. They did not know what to say to Him, so the took the rout of silence.

Peter, James and John had spent three years daily in the presence of Comfort and Compassion in human form. If even these three men could not offer support at the time of need, should we be surprised when our friends and family do not always meet our needs? May Jesus be our example, teaching us to honestly confront those who are failing us, asking them for the support we long for, but also forgiving them when they fall short of our expectations.

And when we are truly alone in the dark, crying out from overwhelmed hearts, it is the prayers of One much more powerful than our human friends that will sustain us. "The Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will" (Romans 8:26-27, NIV).

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Comforting Bereaved Parents

My son, Luke Charles Dennis, recently died through miscarriage. This is my first experience in my life with such grief, and I'm 42 years old. I did not plan this pregnancy, but God opened a place in my heart and life for another child (I have 16 year old girl) that I thought was closed. I found out I was pregnant on 2/19/98 and my baby died on 3/17. I have never felt such emptiness in my entire life. Here are seven tips for those longing to comfort bereaved parents.

Please don't say, "It's all for the best. It's God's/nature's way of correcting a mistake. It might have been born with a handicap and God spared you that! It's God's Will."
My baby was not a mistake. My baby is not better off dead than alive. Children with handicaps are special and God loves them so much! And death is NOT God's Will! Yes, God's promise in Scripture is that He will work all things for good to those who love God and are called according to His will. But God never intended death for mankind! It's a result of the fall from grace and that is why we are in desperate need of a Savior!

Talk to me about the death of my baby - a person God loves and cares about.
We as Christians believe that life begins at conception, but when a child dies before it is born, we often respond just like the world - treating "it" as "tissue". We must change the way we treat unborn babies. If we change that, God will change the world! Luke's loss shed light on the fact that 1 out of 3 early pregnancies end in a dead child. Many women who have been through miscarriage have come to comfort me, and I find out they were never comforted themselves. It is so wrong for them to grieve alone.

Cry with me and don't try to make excuses for God.
Saying you do not know what to say is fine - I don't know what to say either.

Call me. Don't just offer to be there, asking me to call if I you.
I don't have enough strength to reach out right now, so when you have a moment, call me to check on me, and maybe pray with me.

Give me the opportunity to share with you what happened.
It helps to talk about how I feel.

Don't tell me I can "have another one."
My unique child died and is gone, and I'll never have him back. Maybe I will have another child (and maybe I won't be able to), but either way, it isn't like replacing a pet dog.

Talk to me about a memorial service.
I might not have thought of it myself. I just know I didn't get to have the closer of grief that a funeral would provide. Affirmation that my baby was indeed a person is so important. His loss deserves to be mourned.

Most people, including me, have never been taught how to handle the deaths of babies. Though I'm grieving, I find I have to help people know how to support me. The people at my church feel my loss very strongly because I made them part of the exuberant joy I experienced in my pregnancy. I then held my grief out in front of them to grieve with me, and they are! And hopefully, women after me who suffer the same grief won't have to help others understand quite as much because of what is being learned now.

God wants to change the way the church handles infant death. It should not be a silent cry. It should be a time of mourning the death, rejoicing that I will see my child again in Heaven, and affirming the value that God places on him. Luke's life and death encouraged our church to affirm the lives of children by blessing the babies of pregnant women while them are still in the womb rather than waiting until they are born.

I will make a difference for the sake of the Kingdom of God, because Luke has made the Kingdom so much brighter for me, and this world a little less attractive! He is my treasure on deposit in Heaven, irrevocable! One day I will stand in his presence, and embrace him. It is a day I look forward to with joyous anticipation! Until then, I'll cry when arms feel empty, and I ache to hold him, but I'll be okay because I have the hope of Heaven!

- Rita Dennis, "In His grip more tightly than ever."

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Resources & Reviews

Hannah's Prayer is not directly related to, nor has any financial interest in the following resource products, services, or organizations. We prayerfully list them to help you find other resources that may be of blessing or encouragement to you.

	"Commencement Toward a New Beginning," a Perinatal Bereavement Conference, is to be held October 2-4, 1998 in Baltimore. For info. contact York Health System Bereavement Services, PO Box 15198, York, PA 17405-7195 or call (717)851-3467. Register prior to Aug. 21 for best price. (Not specifically Christian based.)
	If you have experienced fertility challenges and are contemplating pregnancy, are pregnant, or have given birth or adopted a baby subsequent to your infertility, pregnancy loss or infant death, "PAILS of Hope" stands for "Pregnancy/Parenting After Infertility or Loss Support". For a newsletter sample and subscription rates, contact Pails of Hope, c/o Pen-Parents, PO Box 8738, Reno, NV 89507; (702)826-7332.
	There are many books designed to help family and friend help those they love through painful times. Some may be out of print, so check with your local Christian bookstore for availability. Helpful titles include: Because You Care: Practical Ideas For Helping Those Who Grieve, Barbara R. Chesser, Word Books Don't Take My Grief Away, Rev. Doug Manning, Zondervan Publishing House Encourage Me, Charles Swindoll, Zondervan Publishing House Helping a Neighbor in Crisis: How To Encourage When You Don't Know What to Say, Tyndale House Helping People Through Grief, Delores Kuenning, Bethany House Publishers How Can I Help? Reaching Out to Someone Who is Grieving, June Cerza Kolf, Baker Book House I Never Know What To Say: How to Help Your Family and Friends Cope With Tragedy, Nina H. Donnelley What You Can Say When You Don't Know What to Say, Lauren Briggs, Harvest House Publishers When Someone You Know Is Hurting, Gregory M. Richards, Zondervan Publishing House
	Mommy, Please Don't Cry, by Linda DeYmaz, is dedicated to "mothers everywhere who have experienced the deep sorrow of losing a child." Colorfully illustrated and narrated with simple, childlike language, it has the look and feel of a child's storybook, yet tenderly comforts grieving mothers. Women who have living children can use this book to help explain the death of siblings. If you are a friend or family member of any woman who has lost a child (during pregnancy, infancy or childhood), this book makes a touching gift.
	Infertility on the Internet will help you lean what the internet is, how to use it (even if you don't own a computer or know how to use one), and where to find valuable infertility information once you are online. Conceiving Concepts, PO Box 869, Crestwood, KY 40014, www.conceivingconcepts.com, (502)241-8497.
	"Dear Grandma and Grandpa: We're adopting a child" is a new booklet geared specifically for grandparents, but also an effective tool for educating extended family members and friends. Some issues covered include, "Why we intentionally chose adoption," "Adoption does not result in conception," "How can a mother give up her own flesh and blood?" "We are 'real' parents; you are 'real' grandparents," "Our adoption failed; we need your support," and "You're an adoptive grandparent! Now what should you do?" For information or to order (small fee to cover printing/postage), please contact Laura Christianson at 7807 88th Drive SE, Snohomish, WA 98290, <ChristianRL@earthlink.net> or (360)563-0219. Laura, the adoptive mother of two boys, is also writing a book about adoption called Children of Our Hearts: Moms Talk About Adoption. If you are interested in being interviewed for Children of Our Hearts, please let Laura know.
	Attention Grieving Grandparents! "In 1997 we lost two children due to miscarriage and stillbirth, and our parents found limited resources that address the unique losses grandparents face. We want to change that for future grieving grandparents. If you would like to share your stories of grief and coping with the loss of a grandchild for an upcoming book, call or write Nadine Galinsky at 541 Fraiser Street, Houston, TX 77007; (713)880-8089. All inquiries confidential."

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Our Children Did Exist

I've lost two children, I hear myself say,

And the person I'm talking to just turns away.

Now why did I tell them, I don't understand.

It wasn't for sympathy or to get a helping hand.

I just want them to know we've lost something dear.

I want them to know that our children were here.

They left something behind which no one can see.

They made just two people into a family.

So, if I've upset you, I'm sorry as can be.

You'll have to forgive me, I could not resist.

I just want you to know that our children did exist.

Author unknown
Used with permission from the Jan/Feb 1998 Vol. 7, Issue 1, of the Sharing Newsletter.

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Tears, Outlet for Grief

"I understand that if I try to comfort someone and they cry, it is not that I have caused them pain, but that I have given them an outlet for their grief."

Jacqueline Pirrie DiFabio
Used with permission from the Jan/Feb 1998 Vol. 7, Issue 1, of the Sharing Newsletter.

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My Eyes

My eyes will never envision the sight of your dear face.

Nor will my hands feel the warmth of your loving embrace.

I wonder what you look like. Are you just like me?

Or do you look like your father, cute as can be?

I wish I could have said goodbye and kissed your lovely cheek

Or caressed your tiny body and rubbed your little knee.

I wish I could have held you before you went away.

I wish your life could have been spared in so many ways.

I know you would have been a great child, strong and full of love.

As graceful as an angel or as light as a dove.

My heart still cries whenever I think of you.

Though I never met you, I felt as if I always knew you.

You will always be my first little one, so close to my heart.

Because in my heart you are there and we never grow apart.

I know you are with your Heavenly Father right now

And he is watching over you.

Remember that we love you

And will always love you.

Michele Taylor, for my unknown child, miscarried 7/30/96 at 4 weeks.

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Child of My Dreams

I look into your eyes,

These I have seen before;

My child I hold and love,

A blessing from above.

I have longed to hold you,

Tight in these arms of mine;

Wonderful it seemed,

All my life have I dreamed.

Soon I will awaken,

Sadly to realize;

You are out of my reach,

A love in dream you teach.

Heather L. M. Harrison

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Bitter Cup

The cup He hands me is bitter

Yet I must drink my fill

For life is mine own no longer

I bow unto His will

I might groan and pray for mercy

I might weep 'til my tears are spent

But for His sake is my body broken

I, for His glory, am rent

"Sparky"

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Ministry Update for Hannah's Prayer

- Two Hannah's Prayer chapters have changed email addresses. To contact Vince and Cathy Darsey in the Houston, Texas area, please use the new email address of <darsey2@juno.com>. Kobus and Laetitia Knoetze in South Africa may now be contacted at <bloubos@mweb.co.za>.

- As of December 12, 1998, the area code for calling Hannah's Prayer will be changed to (775). Until December, please continue to use the (702) area code.

- Part of our mailing list was lost in Feb-April. If you did not receive the Spring newsletter, let us know. We have been having computer porblems involving both the postal and email mailing lists. Both mailing lists are currently being rebuilt.

- If you noticed a delay in the delivery of this Summer's newsletter, you have witnessed the result of lack of financial resources. By not charging subscription fees, we are dependent on the Lord's provision of donations to maintain our work, offering services only as funds permit. Income has been low in recent months and we have been unable to accomplish all we have desired to offer you through your time of pain. To those who have contributed, our heartfelt thanks - your gifts have helped us encourage so many hurting hearts!

- In response to our desperate need for financial resources, we would like to make you aware that Hannah's Prayer now receives a 10% donation from Promise Checks for each purchase made from Promise Checks by Hannah's Prayer members who use the order form #50212 when ordering. Please follow the Promise Checks link to http://www.promisechecks.com/partners/hpm/index.html for more information.

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How to Encourage An Infertile Friend

Being infertile can be very difficult. Being the friend or family member of someone infertile can also be very difficult. You hurt for them and yet feel helpless in how to love and encourage them in this painful season of their lives. This season of infertility usually begins after a couple's inability to naturally conceive a child within a year's time. After experiencing five years of infertility myself, many friends, all with good intentions, have done the right things and many have done some inappropriate things in an effort to encourage me.

I share the following suggestions to help you know how to minister effectively, not offensively, to the one you love who is experiencing infertility. Please recognize these are generalizations. Each infertile couple has experienced a different amount of stress, tests, surgeries, time and pain. But one thing is certain, they all are hurting. Being extra sensitive can only help prevent your from causing additional pain to your friend no matter what their stage of infertility. Before you continue, I must warn you, if you do have a friend or family member who is undergoing infertility and you truly want to minister to them, recognize you are about to embark on a very selfless adventure, but one that God will honor and your friend will never forget! If you are willing to accept this mission, read on! May the Lord richly bless you with great patience and love as you reach out to someone who is hurting because of infertility.

What to Do:

1) Commit to pray diligently for your friend. Put a reminder (a picture of your friend, a note, etc.) to pray for them someplace where you will see it often. Pray that God will give you the wisdom to know how to encourage your particular friend. James 5:16b says, "The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." There truly is power in prayer and your friend needs your prayers more than anything.

2) Drop them a note when the Lord places them on your heart. Tell them you love them, hurt for them and are praying for them. If appropriate, include an encouraging scripture. Writing how you feel can often be easier than saying it. (Notes from friends have ministered to me greatly for they were personal and showed me I was loved, but they didn't put me on the spot to respond. It always seemed the timing of these notes was divinely inspired and reached me on a discouraging day.) Be sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading. If God places them on your heart…there is a reason.

3) Love your friend by your actions. Give them a warm hug from time to time. Buy them a little something to make them feel special. Actions always speak louder than words.

4) Meet your friend for lunch. Get a sitter or neighbor to babysit if you have children. The visit without children might benefit both of you. If you have little ones, you could probably use the fellowship and the break. Your infertile friend could use your undivided attention and encouragement.

5) Don't take it personally if they seem distant at times. More than likely they are hurting and contact with you, if you have children or are expecting, only reminds them of their pain. Remember, this is just a season and if you have a strong relationship, it will survive this time of testing and trial.

What to Say or Not Say:

6) Be sensitive with conversation. Just as if you are married and in the company of a single friend, it is not thoughtful to always talk about married life, so to, if you have children and are around an infertile person, it is inconsiderate to only talk about parenthood. Don't go on and on about what cute things he said yesterday. If your friend is doing well and feeling strong, they will probably ask about your children. Take your signal from them. They do care about you and your children, but you may have hit them on a hard day. If her period just started or they just heard of someone else's pregnancy, your words may be all they need to become fully discouraged.

7) Asking about their infertility situation depends a great deal on the depth of your friendship. If you are close friends, certainly ask from time to time how things are going. Your friend will appreciate your concern. If it's not a good time for them to talk, they will let you know. Let them guide the conversation, don't push. If your friend is a casual acquaintance, it is often better to say little. Infertility can be a very private and personal matter for some. If they feel comfortable discussing their situation with a casual friend, more than likely, they will bring it up in the conversation some way. Take your clues from them.

8) Do not offer advice, unless asked for. Don't tell them you stood on your head, went on vacation to the Bahamas or bought your husband boxer shorts. If they have been undergoing infertility for a while, they probably have tried it all and your advice is not only unhelpful, it is hurtful. The advice can also suggest that achieving pregnancy is within one's control.

9) Do not tell them to "RELAX." This "R word" sends shivers up any infertile person's spine. This cliché is offered as advice by many well-meaning friends; however, 90% of infertility is due to medical problems in one or both mates (10% to unknown causes) and relaxing will certainly not change their medical condition of infertility. If you tell your friend to relax, they will probably feel like you are making light of their situation and telling them in essence, that they are not relaxing and therefore, perhaps it is their fault that they are not pregnant. This puts more pressure and a sense of failure and guilt on them. Instead, pray for them, that the Lord will give them peace and contentment as they wait on Him for a child. This gives the burden to the Lord and not your friend.

10) Do not tell them to just adopt and then they will get pregnant. Although adoption can be a wonderful option for some, it is no simple, stress-free procedure, nor is it a guarantee that you will someday conceive a biological child. It is also a very personal and private decision. Some are more sensitive than others regarding the idea of adoption. If they are considering adoption, chances are, they'll let you know. Let them bring it up.

11) Be careful not to share too many success stories like "My mother's best friend's daughter got pregnant after she did such and so…" Even though you mean to give your friend hope, remember, no two cases are the same.

12) Do not "over-spiritualize" infertility. Although God allows it, I believe infertility, like cancer, is a by-product of the sinful world we live in. Many infertile couples already struggle with the false belief that they have done something, or not done something, to deserve this fate and they are unworthy of the "reward from God" called children. Be careful not to reinforce this perception by comments like, "Well, God must be trying to do this or that in your life…" or "you must not be ready for children or else God would have given them to you." We need to be cautious, as Christians, to not make such assumptions. No one truly knows why God is allowing it.

13) Try not to be judgmental of the tests, drugs and surgical procedures that your infertile friend may be undergoing. Each has their own personal convictions on just how far to pursue medical treatment. What is acceptable and appropriate for one, may not be for another. Be careful to not quickly criticize their treatments if you do not have complete knowledge and information on their fertility problem and/or medical procedures they are pursuing.

14) Realize jokes can be counter-productive. Comments like, "Why don't you drink our water?" or "Do you want to borrow my pants?" or "You can have our kids!" are simply not kind, no matter what your friend's stage of infertility. If you feel awkward with the situation, it is better to say nothing than to say something you think is funny, but may be hurtful.

15) Try not to complain about your pregnancy or children when talking to an infertile friend. Share with a friend who can relate or better still, take your problems to the Lord. It can be hurtful to an infertile person to see a constantly complaining and ungrateful spirit in someone to whom God has entrusted the precious gift of a child.

16) If you're expecting a baby, seek suggestions/reactions from another source. It would be inappropriate to ask your infertile friend about suggestions for baby names or nursery decor, to show them sonogram pictures or ask them to feel the baby kick. If they can handle these exciting things, they will inquire.

17) Love them by listening. Do not say you understand if you have never experienced infertility. Even if you have been through infertility, no two situations are identical. More than likely, all your friend wants is a listening ear. You can still be compassionate and minister to them without having to relate your life experiences to them or without always giving advice, counsel or a profound answer to their questions. Put away your toolbox. Don't try to fix things…just love them and listen.

18) Allow your friend the freedom to express any anger. As with all types of grief, there are stages. Anger is one of them. If your friend has experienced the pain of infertility deeply, more than likely they have had some anger through which to work. The anger may be directed towards themselves, others and even God. The only pathway to healing is to recognize and express this anger without being condemned for such feelings. Even Job, a man of faith, patience and endurance, complained freely and bitterly to God and his close friends in the midst of his incredible sorrows. The anger was part of the process necessary for his complete emotional healing and restoration of is relationship to God. Be careful to not quickly judge or criticize your friends if they are angry. It is only a season. Nothing heals anger faster than a response of unconditional love and acceptance.

19) Be patient with the "pity party." Seek God before you speak up. As with any trial in life, the infertile person can fall into the trap or ungratefulness and self-pity. Be patient with them. However, if this becomes a long, destructive process an you are very close to your infertile friend, a gentle confrontation may be necessary. It is absolutely essential that your motivation be purely to minister and encourage your friend. (Before proceeding with a confrontation, see Galatians 6:1 to check your motivation and own spiritual condition.)

20) If you are just getting to know someone and trying to "break the ice" DO NOT ask them if they have children. If they do, more than likely, they will let you know and if they don't, there is a reason that may be personal. (At a rehearsal dinner recently, I was asked four times within five minutes if I had children. I wanted to crawl under the table and cry.) Instead say something like, "tell me about yourself." This will allow them to bring up what they feel comfortable discussing. The well-meaning questions we ask can often communicate what we, even as Christians, find significance or worth in. What do you do? Where do you live? Are you dating someone? Are you married? Do you have children? It can never hurt to be cautious and sensitive when talking with people you don't know.

Announcing Your Pregnancy:

21) Tell your news in person, not in public, to a close, infertile friend or family member that lives locally, or drop them a note. Gently share your news and tell them this is painful for you to have to do, reassuring them that you love them, hurt for them and are praying for them.

22) Rather than call a close infertile friend or family member who lives out of town, write them a letter with your news. This will give them time and space to accept it not be put on the spot for an immediate response. Understand they will experience a mixture of emotions…happiness for you and magnified sadness for themselves. They often need time to sort through their emotions to express them properly. Remember to ask other mutual friends or family members to please not mention your pregnancy to the one experiencing infertility because you want them to receive the news gently in your own written words.

23) Let a social friend find out your news through the grapevine. It's easier to receive the news of a casual friend's pregnancy from someone else.

Baby Showers:

24) For a close friend who has been going through infertility for a while, rather than mail them an invitation, call them. Tell them you'd like to include them but you want to cause them the least pain. Tell them you want to spare them the heartache of such an emotional event. An infertile person can often experience "false guilt" if they are not emotionally able to attend even their closest friend's baby shower. They will probably be relieved you made the decision for them and if they really do want to go, they'll let you know. Suggest, instead of the shower, that you get together for lunch. Please know that the infertile person does want to celebrate their friend's joy, but that being in a room full of people who talk about babies for hours can be too overwhelming.

25) For casual friend or social acquaintance…
A. If your friend is just beginning to undergo the tests and trials of infertility, have the hostess mail them an invitation and enclose a note. "Just want you to know you're included. We'd love to see you, but please don't feel any pressure to come."
B. If your friend has been going through infertility for a long time, simply do not invite them and pray they will be touched by your sensitivity to their situation.

Announcing Your Baby's Arrival:

26) For an infertile family member or close friend, ask them ahead of time how they want to be told when the baby comes. Even if this is hard for you to do, have someone other than yourself (your mutual parents or a mutual friend) call to tell them the news when the baby is on its way or arrives. This somehow eases the pain and awkwardness of receiving the news directly from you, the elated parent. The ball is now in their court to respond as they wish.

27) For an infertile, casual friend, let them hear the news like everyone else, from "word of mouth." Exciting news of a baby's arrival usually spreads rapidly and they will hear soon enough.

28) Do not call an infertile friend that lives out-of-town. Instead, mail them a birth announcement or short note with a "P.S. We love you and continue to pray for your heart's desires." Even the most painful news can be received when padded with love and encouragement.

What Only God Can Do:

29) Remember who is in control. Recognize that no matter how hard you try to encourage your infertile friend, God, our Heavenly Father is the only one who can truly give them the comfort, strength, joy, hope and peace that they need.

- Terry Willits, reprinted with permission from the April-May 1992 issue of "Stepping Stones" PO Box 294, Grand Rapids, MI 49501-0294.

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Sorrows & "Samuels"

Baby Memorials and Celebration Announcements

"I prayed for this child [Samuel], and the Lord granted me what I asked of Him."

I Samuel 1:27

(* Indicates that a donation has been made to Hannah's Prayer in honor of this child.)

In Loving Memory of:

Sarah Hope*, miscarried 6/93, and Michael Andrew*, miscarried 11/93, children of George and Stephanie Herod

Desiree and Donovan Mitchell, only children of Dee and LaShonne, died shortly after premature birth, 8/15/97.

Josiah Joseph, delivered still 3/18/98 to Justina and Neil Falcone after "unexplained fetal demise" in the 18th weeks of pregnancy. The Falcones have two living sons, Peter (6) and Neil Jr. (4).

Megan Elizabeth*, daughter of Tammy and Clay Erickson, stillborn at 24 weeks, 4/3/98.

Kristine and Kari Jensen, twin daughters of Jason and Lori, died shortly after premature birth (21 weeks) as victims of Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. After labor started on Mother's Day, the girls quickly followed their brother or sister (miscarried 11/97) to Heaven 5/11/98.

In Joyful Celebration of:

Matthew Christopher, born 6/22/97 to Randy and Ruth Davis (and big brother Ryan) after the miscarriages of Destiny (7/25/95), Enoch (12/23/95), and Hannah (7/13/96)

David Wayne, born 6/29/97 to Wayne and Rhonda Reynaud after 17 months of infertility.

Joel ("The Lord is God") Thomas* and Joanna ("The Lord gives graciously") Catherine*, born 11/26/97 to Bill and Rose Shutt after a 3 year struggle with infertility.

Carson Andrew, adopted 12/24/97 by Lorrie Ney and her husband who have been dealing with infertility for several years.

Rebekah Hope*, born 12/30/97 to Chad and Karen Owen who give God all the glory for this child He has brought into their lives after a 5-years battle with infertility

Zachary James, born 1/4/98, son through the miracle of adoption of Suzanne and Butch Egner.

Sierra Grace, born 1/25/97, gift from the Lord to Todd and Jonnie Harvey who had been facing infertility since the miscarriage of their first child on Mother's Day '90.

Caleb Alexander, born 2/12/98. With the help of Caleb's big sister Kelsey, Mark and Deidre welcome their new son who joins the Cannon family after the death of 6-month-old Caden Maddox 1/2/97.

The son of Mindy and Chuck Flowers was born 3/7/98 after a struggle with infertility.

Samuel Mark*, born to Mark and Susan Broomell 4/15/98, one year and one day after his sister, Claire Ellen was stillborn 4/14/97. "The Lord has certainly sustained and blessed us during the troubled and anxious moments of the past year."

Taylor Kristy, only surviving child of triplet pregnancy, born 5/26/98, nine weeks before due date. Taylor is the delight of her parents, Anthony and Shelly Howard who waited over six years for such a blessing.

We regret that our baby memorials and celebration announcements must be so brief due to space limitations. Your children are of great value and the shortened length of these listings is in no way a reflection of minimized worth.
If you would like your baby listed in a future newsletter, please send us your loss, adoption, or birth announcement including names (of baby, parents, etc.), dates, any previous struggle with infertility or loss, and any other brief information you would like us to consider including. If you would like to make a memorial or celebration donation to Hannah's Prayer in your child's name, we will be happy to note that in your announcement. You must specify that you would like your announcement printed in the newsletter or we may unintentionally overlook publishing your precious baby's information.

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Infertility in the Church

Dear Hannah's Prayer,
I need some help. I have two close friends that are dealing with the pressures of infertility. I am a little confused on some things though. They say that our church 'worships babies' because we have a lot of pregnant women therefore a lot of baby showers. We honor mothers on Mothers Day and fathers on Fathers Day. We like to share in the excitement of a new life conceived when it is announced. My friends say, 'We need to make the church more aware of and sensitive to the issue of infertility.' How can a church body be 'aware of and sensitive' and still rejoice with the new lives God puts in other women? What can a church do to comfort these people and still 'rejoice with those that rejoice'?"

Thank you for your desire to minister to the needs of your hurting friends! I understand your questions and confusion, but I can so relate to the feelings of your infertile friends. Because church is so "family oriented," it is easy to leave infertile couples (or singles who have never married, or men and women who have been through divorce, or couples who have had children die, or anyone in a hard family situation) feeling bruised and broken.

The issue isn't so much that we want to stop rejoicing with those who rejoice, but that we would also like our church families to be willing to in turn, grieve with us in our own struggles. It isn't that we want to take away their joy, but we would like them to acknowledge our pain and share in our heartache just as publicly. All too often, churches are places that portray only "perfect" people - it is easier to just pretend that pain doesn't exist than to reach out to help ease it. If someone goes to church and ask for prayer for something like back surgery, they are prayed for, cared for, called and brought meals. But when a person ask for prayer for fertility treatments, their needs are often neglected, ignored, considered inappropriate to be shared in church, or even openly attacked. I agree that the Body of Christ definitely needs to be educated that infertility is a real crisis in the physical, emotional and spiritual lives of those who suffer through it!

The Body of Christ is designed to encourage one another, bind one another's wounds, cry with those who mourn, and strengthen one another as we each strive towards God's calling for our individual lives. These signs of unity should be readily manifested within the local bodies of believers in each individual church. Unfortunately the church often becomes one of the most painful places for couples facing fertility challenges. This insensitivity to the needs of hurting infertile or bereaved couples by churches is most commonly due to the simple lack of education and understanding of fertility related pain within the church. Since the Bible calls children "blessings," couples without children don't tend to "fit the mold" of church life in many ways. One couple writes:

"My husband and I had been dealing with infertility for 2½ years before we decided to try ICSI. Just before undergoing our IVF procedure, we asked one of the Bible instructors at the church to help us pray. His first comment to us after we explained what we were about to do was, 'Don't you want to just leave this in God's hands?' It was devastating to say the least! I realized that people really need to be educated on this subject and thankfully we have received positive feedback from our church since sending them a letter more fully explaining our situation and the pain we have felt as we have struggled to have a baby."

The way a church handles celebrations of certain holidays, such as Mother's Day, can also cause pain. Another woman shared this letter:

There really isn't much Christian information out there about infertility. Many pastors don't discuss it in church services either. And Mother's Day at church… well, let's not even go there! I got my pastor to include infertile women in the 'Mothers (and women who want to be) Day' prayers and honoring ceremony. He had just never dealt with the topic before since no one had ever approached him about it even thought there are many infertile couples in our 1,500+ congregation.

"I would like to see more infertility groups with a Christian perspective because I get much more out of infertility information when it is from a Christian source and is in line with my beliefs. I do what I can to make other Christians aware that it is a problem. I'm putting together a seminar on infertility for my church congregation and the community. The more Christians involved in making others aware of infertility, the more it will benefit all people who are infertile."

Some hurt comes more from differences in mindsets than from lack of education. "Young Marrieds" Bible studies are usually filled with excited new parents and pregnant couples and the pressure to have children is intense. Baby showers seem to be weekly events in some of these groups, and if a couple doesn't share in all the excitement of every coming child, others wonder what is wrong with them. Here is an example of such pain:

"I've really been struggling with whether or not I should be going to baby showers. Am I being selfish if I don't go? If I'm truly putting others before myself, shouldn't I be able to rejoice with others without the focus on myself? What must people think of me when I don't go? Am I a bad witness? But I know that when I do go, I am tempted to lose my focus and end up back at 'square one.' How do you explain that to sisters in Christ who just don't understand?

"Unfortunately most of our friends in the Bible study that we were leading didn't understand anything about infertility and made things even harder. We left that group as more and more of the couples were getting pregnant. I seemed impossible for me to keep my focus and trust in God and what He had for my life when surrounded by young couples who were pregnant for the first time and who didn't understand my grief. We prayerfully and lovingly left the group, feeling quite awkward but incredibly relieved about it. In retrospect I think it was a good decision. It gave me a break from the pregnant couples, which has given me a chance to gain some balance and focus.

"We joined another study through our church which has been better, but still is hard at times. Why is it that people have such a hard time understanding that infertility is painful? Why do they seem so uncomfortable in dealing with me? Why is it that my local Christian family jumps to meet the needs of and show love to new parents in the church but ignores those in pain who need encouragement?"

Churches should continue to celebrate the gift of new life, for truly children are a blessing from the Lord. But such celebrations should be tempered with the realization that one family's joy may only serve to intensify another's pain. If infertility, pregnancy loss, and infant death are acknowledged and addressed, and hurting couples are not felt feeling alone and unloved, it is much easier for us to share in the joy of other's blessings.

Helping Churches Help

More resources dealing with the church and infertility can be found at www.hannah.org/church.htm in our special Church Leadership Resource page.

Couples with fertility challenges frequently deal with "always the bridesmaid, never the bride" kinds of emotions. Often we are called to be "bridesmaids" over and over, for each set of friends, as those who weren't even married when we started trying to grow our families have first, then second, then third children while we are left with empty arms and aching hearts.

There are a couple of great articles written by other Christian infertility newsletters offering insights into the church's response to infertility. For practical advice on ways your church may more effectively minister to infertile couples, we encourage church leaders and members to request these resources. (To help cover expenses, we suggest $3-5 for each request.)

"The Church: Does It Help or Hurt the Infertile Couple?" from the March-April, 1997 issue of "Stepping Stones" c/o Bethany Christian Services PO Box 294 Grand Rapids, MI 49501-0294

"Married Without Children: Four Ways Churches Can Incorporate Childless Women" from "Anna's Journal" PO Box 341 Eljay, GA 30540

"Praise be to the God and Father or our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows."
II Corinthians 1:3-5 (NIV)

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Hannah's Prayer Ministries
www.hannah.org
PO Box 168
Hanford, California 93232-0168
USA

E-Mail: Hannahs@Hannah.org

Voice Mail / Fax: (775)852-9202

Hannah's Prayer is a California based, non-profit 501(c)(3) organization, established Jan 1, 1995. All staff members are unpaid volunteers who are proclaiming Christians (from a range of denominational backgrounds) and have personal experience with the heartache of fertility challenges. This ministry and website are made possible by your tax deductible contributions.

This web site was established in April, 1996. For website related issues, please contact the Hannah's Prayer website administrator, Jill Sherbrooke. The Hannah's Prayer logo was designed exclusively for Hannah's Prayer by Rick Saake. Hannah's Prayer pages are Copyrighted. � 1996-2004, Hannah's Prayer Ministries. All rights reserved.