Hannah To Hannah
Fall / Winter 1998 All rights reserved. Copyright 1998. Issue #13
Providing "Christian Support for Fertility Challenges" including infertility or the loss of a child at any time from conception through early infancy.
A quarterly publication of Hannah's Prayer Ministries.
Table of Contents, Issue #13, Fall / Winter 1998
God said, "No" - poem
Broken Dreams - poem
Josiah's Legacy - stillbirth
Jenni's Journal - "My plans, God's plans" - Thoughts from Hannah's Prayer Director, Jennifer Saake
Birth of Christ - infertility
Dear God - loss of baby poem
Faith's Christmas - infant death
Blessed is the Fruit of Your Womb - Christmas, stillbirth
Children's Memorial Day & Candle Lighting - December 13
Sorrows & "Samuels" - Baby Memorials and Celebration Announcements
God Maketh No Mistake - poem
You - infertility or miscarriage poem
Why? - infertility, miscarriage, endometriosis
2 a.m. Musing - hysterectomy, sterility
Now That the Pain Gone - poem
Dear Hannah's Prayer - infertility
Christmas in Heaven - baby loss poem
Regaining Trust - pregnancy loss
Grace to Live - infertility
Kite Strings - poem
Newsletter Submission & Reprint Information
I asked God to take away my pride and God said 'No.'
He
said it wasn't for Him to take away, but for me to give it up.
I asked God to make a handicapped child whole and God said,
'No.'
He said the body is only temporary.
I asked God to grant me patience and God said, 'No.'
He said patience is a by-product of tribulation. It isn't granted, it's
earned.
I asked God to give me happiness and God said, 'No.'
He said He gives His blessings. Happiness is up to me.
I asked God to spare me from pain and God said, 'No.'
He said sufferings draw me apart from worldly cares and bring me closer to
Him.
I asked God to make my spirit grow and God said, 'No.'
He said I must grow on my own, but He will prune me to make me fruitful.
I asked God if He loved me and God said, 'Yes.'
He gave His only Son who died for me and I will be in heaven someday
because I believe.
I asked God to help me love others as much as He loves me
and God said, 'Ah, Finally you have the idea!'
- Author Unknown
As children bring their broken toys
With tears for us to
mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because He was my
friend.
But then instead of leaving Him
In peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help,
With ways that were my
own.
At last, I snatched them back
And cried, "How can
you be so slow?"
"My child," He said, "what could I do?
You
never did let go."
Let go and let God!
-Author Unknown
It was Christmas Eve, 1997. We had been trying for two years to become pregnant again. What a wonderful present it would be to be able to tell my husband that we were expecting at this special time of year! Unfortunately, a home pregnancy test did not support my suspicions, and I had no good news that day.
Eight days later my body was still sending me confusing signals - aches and pains and weepiness for no reason. Could I dare hope? Didn't we just have a negative result? On the evening of January 3rd I could hardly believe my eyes as I watched that little pink line creep across the window!
Just to be sure, I did another test the next day after we came home from church. (When you don't have a regular cycle, you seem to spend a lot of money on pregnancy tests!) Oh, yes, it was still positive! I began to allow myself to be excited. On January 9, 1998, I heard my baby's heartbeat for the first time through the use of trans-vaginal ultrasound. The due date was set as Aug. 26, 1998. Oh, how I floated out of the office that day!
When my husband voiced his disappointment at having missed hearing the baby's little heart beating I replied with an assuredness I doubt I will ever feel about anything again, "Oh, Hon, there will be so many other times in the next eight months!" Now, thinking back over all of this, I realize that he never did get to hear it at all.
I set to work writing in the little pregnancy journal that I had bought, reading my old "What to Expect When You're Expecting" books, racking my brains for the PERFECT baby names. To be honest, I had a lot of baby names picked out already. I will NEVER bear enough children to use all the names that I love!
Laying in bed one night in early March, my husband was terribly troubled and felt led to pray for the child we were expecting. In our church, we do not have infant baptisms, but rather a ceremony of dedication. It is not a rite of membership for the church, but rather a sign to the rest of the congregation that the parents are acknowledging the sovereignty of the Lord; that this life does not BELONG to the parents, but has been entrusted to them to raise and train up for the service of the Lord. Also, it acknowledges that God is responsible for the child. We have dedicated our two boys during church services, and it was very moving. This night, Neil was led to dedicate our child in utero. In prayer he acknowledged all the things that I mentioned here.
The following Tuesday was March 10th. (When do we ever forget the dates that are so intricately woven into the details of these stories? I would bet never.) The visit started out routinely enough. Blood pressure? "Fine." Weight? "Not bad." Puffiness? "None." Blood sugar levels? "Excellent." Ultrasound, let's see this little one. And then, everything was different, and my life would never be the same again.
How can I describe a moment that will be forever burned into this page of my memory? I can't. I will be able to describe the events. I will be able to tell the sequence in which they happened, but never will I be able to convey to anyone the emotions, the feelings, the thoughts; the physical, emotional and spiritual reactions that occurred. Even other women who have experienced the same thing cannot understand, because it is, of course, colored by the light of each woman's makeup, and the things she has brought with her from other areas of her life. It is subjective, shapeless, unmeasurable, and yet, to be endured.
"There is your beautiful baby!" the technician announced, pointing out the different body parts. But then there was a catch in her conversation. I knew why. The baby was still. Too still. No movement. And when the screen showed the area of the thoracic cavity, where the tiny little heart should have been beating, no movement.
Now, I am an intelligent woman. I should have known what this meant. But I allowed myself to become numb. I dressed. I listened to the doctor tell me that there was no movement, no heartbeat. I listened to him tell me that in these cases, the body usually takes care of this "naturally" and I listened to him give me his emergency number at the hospital in case I noticed any bleeding or cramping. My intellect KNEW what all this meant, but my heart did not accept it.
I worked, I played with children, I ate lunch, I did all the mundane things that make up a life, and yet, something was missing. That's when I knew, when I accepted the truth to myself and absorbed it completely. The joy of my expectation was gone, and that spoke volumes into my spirit. Despite all this, I had a great peace, and went about doing the things that I had to do until the next appointment. No bleeding or cramping or anything out of the ordinary, except that I knew.
The next week, my husband stayed home from work, and went with me to the appointment. No preliminaries this time, just up on the table, and that terrible silence. The technician couldn't look at me. The receptionist hadn't been able to speak to me on the way in, the doctor had tears in his eyes. We had to talk about what came next. My husband held my hand, and we listened to his instructions. I had to arrange a babysitter for the next day and go to the hospital early in the morning to report to, of all places, LABOR and DELIVERY!
And so, we went. Early on the rainy, dreary morning of March 18, I was taken to the labor room, the I.V. begun, the Prostin suppository inserted, and we were off. Six hours later, I was still there with no signs of labor. "Oh, my poor little baby, what is going to happen to us? How could you be taken from me?"
Another Prostin suppository. Another shift of nurses. Another baby born in the room next to mine. Another bottle of champagne that I couldn't share.
I was uncomfortable. I was frightened. I was cold and hot. I missed the life that was in me, even though the baby had not left my body yet. I cried. For the first time in all this, since it began two weeks ago, I really cried.
I had been at this twelve hours and still nothing. Another Prostin suppository and another shift of nurses. My doctor introduced me to the doctor who would be responsible for my care overnight. My husband had to leave for our boys. I acted brave. I told him it was O.K. I lied. I told him that the boys needed him, that they needed to feel security and continuity. I harbored anger and bitterness because, even in this hospital bed, if I didn't make arrangements and schedule things, they did not get done. And deep inside, I knew that he did not WANT to be here, and this was convenient. He left.
Another half an hour passed. I did not have labor pains per se, at least not contractions that come and go, just one constant pain that grew and grew and GREW into a TREMENDOUS urge to push. Bright red blood and a gush of fluid, I could not look. My body struggled to push, and yet, with everything in me, I wanted to hold this child inside, and not give it up to ANYONE! This was my hope. This was my expectation. This was my joy. Even so, the child passed from me, and I was spent with the effort, drenched in perspiration and tears.
The nurse and doctor examined my baby, and told me that it was a boy. He was well developed and whole, complete. I had wondered how he would be, but never spoke my thoughts. They knew my questions and answered them. I never held him. I never SAW him. I only have the memory of what it was like to feel the promise of his little flutterings, my little gymnast. The hospital workers swept him away, to what end, I'll never know. Maybe I know that I don't WANT to know, and I leave it at that. This child will forever be Josiah Joseph in my memory.
The next morning I left the hospital on the arm of my husband. The same hospital that I had floated out of when I first heard my baby's heart beating in January. The slow drizzle only dampened my feelings, and I felt as if the very sky was crying.
To have to go through all of the usual postpartum bleeding and healing, and the emotional roller coaster associated with it, without having the benefit of the baby to validate the whole experience was draining on so many different levels. Just when I was on the road back, my milk came in! I knew that he was really gone, and I could do nothing to bring him back.
My desire was to have him remembered. I needed to feel that the promise of his existence was something more than just emptiness to his Dad and me. It always helped to know that I was not alone. My God has been there with me the whole time, and I KNOW that He will turn my mourning into dancing in the fullness of time!
This is Josiah Joseph's legacy:
- A family that is better than it was before
- A mother who treasures more than ever her relationship with her sons; ALL of them!
- He has left us with an undying memory of hope and excitement.
- He has helped us to build up our faith, and lean on our Lord for all the strength that we do not have in ourselves.
- His presence, though maybe not considered life by some, was not in vain!
By Justina J Falcone of NY
In memory of Josiah Joseph
Falcone, born still, March 18, 1998.
Thoughts from Hannah's Prayer
Director, Jennifer Saake
My plans, God's plans
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts…." Isaiah 55:8-9 (NIV)
I apologize that this issue is so late and that it must be a combined fall/winter issue. 1998 has been a complicated year for me with two moves (Feb./March and Nov./Dec.) in less than ten months and a summer laid up in a cast recovering from surgery for a broken foot! I couldn't fit everything I had planned for this issue, so if you were expecting to see your writing here, please send me a reminder for next issue.
Hannah's Prayer is a ministry of encouragement for couples facing infertility or the death of a baby at any time from conception through early infancy. Because we address so many needs, I often find myself "walking a fine line," striving to share words that will be the most healing and least hurtful to all.
As an infertility ministry, I long to be sensitive to the fact that talking about any baby (even one that only lived a few days, weeks or months in the womb or after birth) can be hard on those who have never conceived. Harder still for those who know a biological child is medically not in their future. Through infertility, there was a time when I actually envied those who had lost a child. While I did not desire the heartache and grief of death, I longed to know the joy of pregnancy and at least a short taste of parenthood. To admit this, I know that I am only expressing what many other infertile couples feel. I also know that such a statement could cause great anger and pain to who have experienced a loss, although this is not my intent.
Because we are also a support group for pregnancy and infant loss, I realize that focusing only on fertility issues will not meet the needs of grieving parents. Since my own experience with loss, I know how important it is for me to have Noel's precious, too-short life validated. She is our only child, and though she is no longer with us on earth, I am proud to be her mother and want to share her with the world. My child's death brought more pain to my heart than I even knew could exist and I need to express my grief for healing to come.
Some families on our mailing list are composed of two members - a husband and wife. (The Bible is clear that a husband and wife are a family, so next time someone asks you when you are going to "start" your family, tell them that you already are one!) Others enjoy the "pitter-patter" of little feet, and yet you are missing the child(ren) you have yet to conceive or those awaiting you in Heaven.
Hannah's Prayer families include step-children, adoptive parents, foster families, and those living "childfree." Some of our families face physical complications, defects and illnesses of the reproductive systems, sterility, primary infertility, secondary infertility, are grieving multiple losses, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, blighted ovum, miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant deaths from premature birth, illness, accident, SIDS and more.
Through all the stories we could tell, a common thread we share is the fact that our human plans have failed. We expected our children to come on schedule, and when they did not we wondered why God would withhold such a joy. Or those little blessings did come, then left our wombs or arms before we were ready to let them go, and we accused God of taking away a gift that was His from the beginning.
This newsletter issue is dedicated to the understanding that God's ways are not always our ways. Several of the articles shared come after many grief and anger issues have been resolved and healing is well on the way to being attained. If you are not yet to the point that you can relate to the grace and acceptance expressed in some of these stories, that's ok; let them serve as hope that the future will not forever seem as hopeless as you may feel today.
Hannah's Prayer is not directly related to, nor has any financial
interest in the following resource products, services, or organizations. We
prayerfully list them to help you find other resources that may be of blessing
or encouragement to you.
 |
Memories I Cherish is a wonderful new devotional journal to encourage women after the loss of a baby. This beautiful keepsake book is a comforting gift for any woman facing pregnancy/infant loss. To order send $10.00 plus $2.50 shipping and handling to Caleb Ministries, PO Box 470093, Charlotte, NC 28247 or find them on the internet at http://www.calebministries.org. Another resource from this ministry is Morning Will Come: 11 stories of infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth and infant death including 2 from fathers' perspectives. For a complete list of Christian infertility and loss resources available from Caleb Ministries, contact the above address. |
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Lyzette Hoffman is doing research for a doctorate in theology, at the Faculty of Theology, University of the Orange Free Sate in the Republic of South Africa. His subject is pastoral care of infertile couples. "I believe there is a great need to support couples going through all the challenges of infertility. I sincerely hope to be able to make a contribution and difference in the lives of couples with fertility problems, through my research…" If you are undergoing fertility treatment and are interested in completing a questionnaire to help him determine the influence of fertility experience on the spiritual lives and marriages of infertile couples, contact Lyzette Hoffman by email at Hoffmanm@fsk.nw.uovs.ac.za, postal mail at Jac van Rhyn Road 131, Bloemfontein 9301, South Africa, or telephone +51-4462317. |
Celebrating
the Birth of Christ
While Longing to Ourselves Give Birth
How long, O Lord?
Will
you forget me forever?
How long will You hide Your face from me?
How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily?
But I have trusted in Your mercy;
My heart shall rejoice in Your
salvation.
I will sing to the Lord, Because He has dealt bountifully with me.
- From Psalm 13
Our dear heavenly Father, this is the season when we remember the Christ child. We remember the birth and incarnation of your beloved Son, our Messiah. We remember His mother whom we call "blessed." We think of the sweetness, the joy, the pain of childbirth. We think of the miracle of new life which Christians celebrate, knowing that the life of Christ we celebrate is also the life which has redeemed us. Because of His birth, we are born again. Because God became man, we are reconciled with You, our Father.
We stand here before you, with empty arms, hungry hearts. Our wombs crying out with the desire to know motherhood, to experience the joys of conception, pregnancy, birth, mothering. We desire children as Rachel desired children, as Hannah desired children, as Sarah and Abraham desired children. We are barren and sad. We desire to rejoice, we desire to be fulfilled, we desire the gift of life that your graciously bestowed upon them. We desire that you hear our prayers as you heard their prayers.
And Father, today I give this all to you. I give you all my pain, sorrow, jealousy. Yes, I give you my anger. I choose to trust you. I choose to obey you in whatever circumstance you place me. I trust you to take me safely through this desert of barrenness. Guard my heart from bitterness. Forgive me for any sinful responses I may have manifested in my life. Fill me with your Holy Spirit, that I may know your presence always.
You know the desires of our hearts. We rejoice with each announcement of pregnancy from our friends who are walking with us through infertility (although sometimes we have much pain for ourselves mixed with our joy for them). We mourn with those who suffer loss through miscarriage. We weep with those whose hopes have been dashed over and over. Hear us as you heard the saints of old. Hear our prayers, dear Lord.
We stand before you with our empty arms. Fill us. Fill every longing heart with Yourself. Quiet our fears. We beg this through our Redeemer and Saviour, whose birth we celebrate. Amen!
- Karen Brim, debrims@ngweb.net
Hannah's Prayer is pleased to
announce our newest chapter starting in Vanderbijlpark, South Africa.
Contact SAfrica-009 chapter hosts, Karin and Hannes Kruger, at
hannesk@cyberserv.co.za or PO Box
5347, Vanderbijlpark 1900, South Africa. Home phone: [+27] 16 982 3402.
Hannes' Work Phone: [+27] 16 889 6401. Cell Phone: [+27] 83 304 0191.
Hannes
and Karin were married in December of 1989 and starting dealing with infertility
about two years later. After about six years of struggle, Karin began to feel
God wanted her to start a support group for others going through the struggles
they were facing. After much prayer, she was excited to find Hannah's Prayer on
the internet last year.
Here are a few support groups outside of Hannah's Prayer that we have recently learned of:
The Christian Infertility Support Group of Saddleback Valley Community Church meets once a month in Mission Viejo, CA. Contact Karen Holt at (949) 472-4903 or email KHolt922@aol.com.
Contact Staci and Kent Copley at jkcopley@tetercon.com for a Christian Infertility Support Group in Visialia, CA.
CSRA Infertility & Adoption Group meets at the First Baptist Church of North Augusta, SC. For information contact Sheila Erb (Augusta) 706-854-1556 or Melanie Nichols (North Augusta) 803-279-3858.
"In 1996, St. David's Episcopal Church in Roswell, Georgia, started an infertility support group for our parish. Initially, they met weekly and now continue with monthly meetings (in addition to frequent personal contact). Location: 1015 Old Roswell Road; Mailing address: P.O. Box 398, Roswell, Georgia, 30077; Telephone: 770-993-6084 or 770-993-1094; Fax: 770-993-8504; Church E-mail: stdavid@mindspring.com."
Hearts Like Hannah is a Christian infertility support group meeting every third Thursday at 7:00 PM, Southland Christian Church - 606-224-1600, Lexington, KY. Contact Denise at Alarlaky@aol.com.
HOPE - Women Helping Women Through Infertility meets at Sisters Hospital in New York. Meeting dates can be gained by calling either of the co-founders - Karen Vilardo (email kvilardo@sescva.esc.edu) at 716/835-2907 or Amy D'Accursio at 716/668-2848. This group is for any women who are having trouble achieving pregnancy, whether beginning or ending their struggle.
Healing Hearts, c/o Bay Presbyterian Church, 25415 Lake Road, Bay Village, OH 44140. Voice mail - (440) 871-1503 ext.342. Karen Corcoran and Connie Stanbery facilitate this Christian infertility support group. E-mail Karen at Corc1@aol.com.
Step by Step is a Christian support group for couples who struggle with infertility and pregnancy loss in the Northwest Area of Houston. Step by Step is sponsored by Houston Northwest Baptist Church and holds monthly meetings with special "themes" and small group time. For more information, call (281) 469-3389 or e-mail mwhiddon@wt.net.
HEALING HEARTS-Infant/Toddler Loss support group meets on the second Monday of each month from 7-9pm. Parents who have lost a child as a result of miscarriage or stillbirth are equally welcome as those who have lost children to illness, accident or violence. Contact Healing Hearts, c/o Soos Creek Presbyterian Church, 26022 164th Ave. SE, Kent, WA 98042, email healingheart@geocities.com, or fax 253-639-3079.
Stephanie Klemm, an RN Pregnancy-Loss Coordinator for at Theda Clark Medical Center, 130 Second Street, Neenah, WI 54956, may be contacted by parents facing ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal loss. Support meetings are based on the RTS (Resolve Through Sharing) Bereavement Services program, and the chaplain involved has SHARE program experience. Gatherings are held the first Wednesday of every month, 7-8:30 PM in Riverside classroom. Call Stephanie at (920) 729-2087 or email stephanie.klemm@unitedhealth.org.
Morning Light Ministry is for bereaved Catholic parents who have experienced the death of their babies through ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage, stillbirth or early infant death, including up to one year old. This death may have happened recently or several years ago. Contact Bernadette Zambri at Morning Light, c/o St. Mary Star of the Sea church, 11 Peter Street South, Mississauga, Ontario, L5H-2G1, Canada. Call (905)278-0258 or fax (905) 278-0961. Bernadette is also looking for infertile Catholic couples to interview about the church and reproductive medicine for a story in her January's newsletter.
If you would like to be listed in a future Penpal Connection, please send a request specifying that you want to be listed in the newsletter as a penpal. Include a brief explanation of your story and contact information (mailing address and/or phone number). If you want only your email address listed, submit your story online at http://www.hannah.org/penpal.htm. Penpal information is available to anyone who reads our newsletter in postal, email, or web site format, so please be sure you want your personal information made available to so many people around the world before you request such a post!
Melissa was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) 4 years ago, went on Clomid in late 1997, and started Fertinex in June of '98. " I was told I was never going to be able to conceive, but I think I will let that be up to God and not the RE. Miracles happen every day. I would like to be a penpal with someone who just needs encouragement as much as I do." Melissa Hernandez, 136 Redwood Cr, Pulaski, PA 16143, or e-mail thernandez@webtv.net.
I am 30 years old. My husband and I have a four year old son whom we adore and feel greatly blessed with. We have been facing secondary infertility, double factor, for three years now. I am seeking someone to share thoughts with. Stephanie Nobles, 1210 McArthur Street, Lumberton, NC 28358.
Editorial update since newsletter was published: Cynthia has asked us to note that she is no longer looking for new pen pals as she has already received an overwhelming number of responses to this request. I've been trying to have a child for 4 years. I'm 36 and have just decided to peek at medical help. I'm currently on Clomid, but not without much hesitations. Drugs just scare me! I would like to have Christian pen-pals to talk to. Just to know people care and understand how it feels to deal with infertility is a comfort. The closest support group (RESOLVE) is three hours from my home. No one around me seems to be struggling. Cynthia Smith, 2380 Golfwood Rd., Melbourne, FL 32935.
My husband has 2 children (boy 12 and girl 19) from a previous marriage. We have been married 5½ years and have been unable to get pregnant. Due to lack of insurance and modest income we can't get fertility tests or adopt. I would like to correspond with other women who face "step parent" infertility. Sometimes I think our pain can be a "double whammy" in its intensity, especially when the step children come to visit and you haven't even been a "regular parent" yet. It can be confusing too! Sharon Goemaere, 831 Weeks Drive NE, Keizer, OR 97303.
Debbie has been dealing with unexplained infertility for over 7 years. She is looking for support, especially a group in her local area. Debbie Hamilton, 640 Poplar Place, Berlington, WA 98233.
In the beginning…
Dear
God, I need to
Ask You a question.
WHY?
I don't understand My babies died.
You said, "Ask and you shall
receive."
Why did my babies have to leave?
Later…
I
have been asking You for years.
Why aren't You answering me?
Did You leave me too?
What am I supposed to do?
Why are You so quiet?
Don't You understand?
My babies died.
Now…
Maybe
You did answer me
Because someone dried
My tears last night.
Maybe you didn't leave.
Maybe understanding will come
When my life is complete.
Thank you, God. I still believe.
- Debbi Dickinson
I love you and miss you so much. I know our Christmas can't compare with yours up there, but life isn't fair. I should be putting pretty ribbons in your beautiful black hair. I should be dressing you in ruffles and lace and looking into your beautiful face. You are with the angels above. You shower us with love. It hurts so much to be apart! I'll carry you with love in my heart. Forever…
- With Love, Your Grandma, Jacqueline Moore
Written 12/24/97 for Faith Moore, died 8/20/97 (5 days after birth),
congenital heart disease.
Blessed Is
the Fruit of Your Womb
Luke 1:26-48
Because of stillbirth, I can now understand, appreciate and relate to Mary in a deeper way; this blessed woman who bore the one and only Son of God, Jesus Christ. Mary had an appointment with an angel. The angel Gabriel was sent from God to a city in Galilee. Coming in he said to her, "Hail favored one! The Lord is with you. Don't be afraid, for you have found favor with God. And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son and you shall name Him Jesus. The Holy Spirit will come upon you and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. For that reason the Holy offspring shall be called the Son of God!"
Mary was chosen for this high and holy calling. The Lord made it clearly known to her what was going to take place. We see a woman with some fear and questioning, yet fully accepting this blessed and reverent task. We see this acceptance in her response, "Behold, the bond slave of the Lord; be it done according to your word." With her acceptance there also came the high price of sorrow, suffering and surrender. Mary would watch her Son endure great hardship, humility, torture and then death. She bore a son only to give Him up 33 years later, so the world could receive eternal life.
In the summer of 1996, I felt that I had an appointment. The Lord strongly impressed on me that it was time for another baby. I conceived in July and had a very healthy and normal pregnancy. Yet God was teaching and nurturing me and I was becoming more intimately acquainted with Him. He was preparing me for the eventful day.
On the morning of April 8, two weeks prior to delivery, I became keenly aware of lack of movement. Suspicion arose as I watched and waited all day. I pondered, "Could this baby have died? Maybe I'm over reacting." A life changing episode then followed. If I were to put it in conversational form, it would sound like this:
"Are you willing to let go?"
"What Lord?"
"Are you willing to let go, so that I can exalt Myself, so others may come to know Me?"
At first there was questioning, then hesitancy followed by struggling. Eventually the surrender came. "How can I not trust You? Be it done according to Your will."
Death was confirmed that night and induced labor would follow two days later. As we know, a midwife is called to usher in the life of a newborn baby. My midwife would be delivering death. But God had a greater and deeper purpose for this life/death experience. Upon delivery of our infant daughter Rebecca, my midwife saw and felt joy, acceptance and peace indwell the room. Twenty minutes after birth, she received Christ as her personal Savior. Rebecca's physical death would be replaced by my midwife's spiritual birth.
Did not Jesus give up His life for our lives? Did not Mary painfully surrender her Holy offspring? It was a high calling for Mary and also a high cost. It was a high cost for me and it can be fore you. Surrender your children wholeheartedly and unreservedly to the Lord, as His workmanship, created for His good pleasure. "Blessed are you among women and blessed is the fruit of your womb." Each child (including those whose earthly stay is very short) has been blessed by the Lord and appointed for a unique task. As we walk in faith and the Lord is glorified, we will be able to say as Mary did, "My soul exalt the Lord, and my soul has rejoiced in God my Savior."
- Patty Schwartz
December 13 -
Children's Memorial Day
Senate Resolution 193 was adopted on July 30th, by unanimous vote, and without amendment. The resolution states, in part that, "approximately 79,000 infants, children, teenagers, and young adults die each year in the United States," and "support and understanding are critical to the healing process of a bereaved family." A presidential proclamation has been issued, designating December 13, 1998, as "National Children's Memorial Day" and calling upon the people of the United States to observe the day with appropriate ceremonies and activities of remembrance. The full text of the resolution may be viewed at www.compassionatefriends.org/resolution.htm.
December 13, 1998 is also the day of the Worldwide Candle Lighting. Candles will be lit at 7 PM in every time zone in memory of all children who have died, producing a wave of light that will encircle the earth.
Baby Memorials and Celebration Announcements
"I prayed for this child [Samuel], and the Lord granted me what I asked of Him."
I Samuel 1:27
(* Indicates that a donation has been made to Hannah's Prayer in honor of this child.)
If you would like your baby listed in a future newsletter, please send
us your loss, adoption, or birth announcement including names (of baby, parents,
etc.), dates, any previous struggle with infertility or loss, and any other brief
information you would like us to consider including. If you would like to make
a memorial or celebration donation to Hannah's Prayer in your child's name, we
will be happy to note that in your announcement. You must specify that you
would like your announcement printed in the newsletter or we may unintentionally
overlook publishing your precious baby's information.
In Loving Memory of:
Cole Avry, stillborn on 4/13/97 as a result of Ebstein's Anomaly and other heart malformations. (DeAnne Barnett and her husband have since been blessed with the live, healthy birth of Clayton.)
Norris Junior, son of Min Greg and Evang Alice Birch
Lydia Marie, delivered still (full-term) from "true knot" in cord, 3/21/98. Beloved sister of Josiah (11), Trenton (8), Emmalee (4) and daughter of Mark and Susan Bradbury.
Baby #6 Darsey, miscarried child of Hannah's Prayer Chapter Hosts Catherine and Vincent, who joined five siblings in Heaven 6/24/98.
Anne Elizabeth (7/21/89) and Michael Paul (5/10/91), children of Peggy G.
Nathan, stillborn 9/98, beloved son of Stacey Jones.
The children of Will and April Matthews: Jack William (born still 7/30/98), "Ricecake" (miscarried 1/15/98), Victoria Hope (miscarried 3/10/98); also twins William and Jenny (stillborn 1/2/96, previously listed here).
* The Grandchild of Mr. and Mrs. Richard A. Mester lost five weeks into pregnancy, 3/29/98.
McKenna Rose (lived 2 days) and Ryan Matthew (lived 9 days), born 7/7/98, twin children of Rhonda and John Turner. Also remembering Krista's Twin (died end of first trimester, 12/95) and Baby Turner (blighted ovum, 1993).
Abigail Marie, born still 9/8/98 at 21 1/2 weeks gestation. The daughter of Lisa and Theo Van de Giessen, Abby joins several miscarried siblings in Heaven.
Angela Hope, stillborn 1/22/98 (the Roe vs. Wade anniversary date) at 36 weeks because of a placenta abruption to Norm & Loni Vander Stel
Stephanie Louise Mary, daughter of Bernadette Zambri, born still 8/24/92.
In Joyful Celebration of:
Michael James, son of Martha Alford, born 8/4/98 after 8 years of infertility. "We are praising God for His faithfulness, and would like to encourage others who are walking through what we have."
Noelle Kirsten Marie and Theresa Rose born to Chuck and Kristen Beltz 6/24/98 after infertility and 2 miscarriages.
*Joshua Jacob born 7/3/98 to proud parents George and Lisa Blount after 6 years infertility (male factor) and one miscarriage (8/16/97). "God has truly blessed us and answered prayer with this miracle child."
Matthew (means "Gift from God") Michael, born to Michael and Debra Bridwell (Hannah's Prayer Board Member) 8/10/98 and Nicole Debra, born 3/7/97, joined the family from China through the blessing of adoption 5/26/98. Both children are welcomed by big brother Justin (who was himself an answer to prayer after 6 years of infertility) who has been praying for siblings for 11 years. There are also several miscarried babies awaiting the Bridwells in Heaven.
*Ryan Clayton, born 8/16/98 to Mark and Alison Dellenbaugh after an infertility struggle.
Lauren Anne, born 8/9/98 to Thomas and Karla Herbert, who joyfully praise God for His gift after a 6 1/2 year struggle with infertility. "I wrote a pome titled, Until That Day for the Winter '97 newsletter. Shortly after it was published, my husband and I found out I was pregnant. After much prayer and a physical healing, we are thankful to have given birth to a beautiful baby girl. My mother's heart and sorrowful dealings with infertility keep me praying for you and all the other Mothers-to-be. I really have a burden in my heart for you and know that God is faithful and will answer the desires of our heart."
*Hannah Ellisa, born 9/13/98, placed for adoption with James and Karen Jordan 9/16/98, joining big brother Timothy after years of waiting and prayers.
Jakob Freeman born to Eric and Elizabeth Kelley (and 11-year-old sister Vanessa) 9/7/98 after a prolonged struggle with secondary infertility and the deaths of Rachel (stillborn 8/10/87), Hope (miscarried at 18 weeks 6/16/94), Ericson (miscarried at 14 weeks 2/12/95), and Tanner (miscarried at 18 ½ weeks 1/10/97).
*Daniel Joseph, a miracle blessing born 3/28/98 to Rosalinda Martinusen after 6 years of infertility and three failed IVF attempts. "The joy of his birth was overshadowed by my life-threatening illness. Two weeks after Daniel was born, I was admitted into the hospital. For the first month of Daniel's life I couldn't see him or hold him. I had open-heart surgery the day after my first Mother's Day as a mother. We didn't know if I was going to make it. We received two miracles this year: Daniel's life and mine! I thank God every day for the wonderful work he has done."
Joseph Edward, born 7/30/98, precious gift from God, via adoption, to Rico and Lori Mejias after a 5 year struggle with infertility, and various failed high tech procedures. "He was worth the wait."
Olivia Maclaine and Blaire Hanna (fraternal twins), born to Barbara and Andrew Ness 11/3/97 after 6 years infertility.
James Leigh E., born 9/12/93 and currently joining the family of Nancy Riggins-Hume through the gift of adoption after 3 miscarriages, 2 ectopic pregnancies, aggressive infertility procedures.
The Sanders Triplets (conceived through IVF).
Anastasia Elizabeth, adopted 5/5/98 to Mark and Lisa Schmidt who give God the glory for this beautiful baby girl!
Michaela (means "Who is like the Lord") Joy, born 7/24/98 to David and Patty Schwartz after Rebecca's stillbirth 4/97.
Jordan Richard and Jacob Nolan (twins) born 6/8/94 and Krista Nicole, born 6/18/98 to Rhonda and John Turner who remember their other four children with love.
Michaela Marie, born 4/23/98 to Robert and Gina Wagner "after two years of trying and two angels returned to Heaven."
My Father's way may twist and turn,
My heart my throb and
ache,
But in my soul I'm glad I know,
He maketh no mistake.
My cherished plans may go astray,
My hopes may fade away,
But
still I'll trust my Lord to lead,
For He doth know the way.
Tho' night be dark and it may seem,
That day will never
break,
I'll pin my faith, my all in Him,
He maketh no mistake.
There's so much now I cannot see,
My eyesight's far too
dim;
But come what may, I'll simply trust,
And leave it all to Him.
For by and by the mist will lift,
And plain it all He'll
make,
Through all the way, tho' dark to me,
He made not one mistake.
- Author Unknown
I hear your voice,
I open my eyes and you are there.
You
are everything I have ever asked for.
Your scent, your touch, your voice,
your face,
All perfect.
The feeling of tranquility
Overwhelms me.
It
all feels so genuine,
I am afraid to close my eyes.
I blink, you are
gone.
My arms are empty once again,
And I remain childless.
-Laurie Heath, Roseville, CA
I have been reading a book that puts forth that there is no such thing as coincidence; all is directed by God. With this in mind, I wonder why I have gotten sick again with Endometriosis. What is the reason? What am I supposed to learn from the pain this time?
When I first got sick again a few weeks ago, I felt like I had failed. I had failed to stay well. I had failed to get pregnant and stay pregnant. The last year or so since my surgery, I have been happy and busy, stressed, but jazzed at the same time. I thought that was the right attitude and I would stay well. Maybe I was ignoring my body and now, after crossing the finish line, it is allowed to collapse. (I just finished a major project and business trip about two weeks before my relapse. There is a lot of truth in the saying "I'm too busy to be sick.")
Well, here I am confronted with a spiritual "flat tire." I sit here staring at it and asking, "Which way now? How are you going to redirect my life?" It just sits there with the air leaking out of it, just as I feel the air leaking out of my chances for natural parenthood. Maybe I should stop asking the flat tire questions and ask God instead. I want to scream, "WHY!?!" But instead I hold it in and think in a small voice, "Why this time, Lord?"
I know I will get thought this ordeal. I have no doubt and I have faith - which is always there for me. I just want to know what people have always wanted to know, simply "Why?" Not "Why me?" just "Why?" I don't need to consult a mystic to find out. I need to be quiet and listen to God as well my own body and soul. I haven't been listening lately, so they have stopped talking. I hope they remember how to talk to me.
I don't blame my body. It has been abused over the past 6+ months with two miscarriages and long hours at work. It could be that just a simple reset is needed. Some see pain as a reset button. Unfortunately, pain has a way of resetting my short-term memory as well. Like so many things in life, time will tell. God reveals His plan, one piece at a time. In the meantime, I await any scrap of information that will help me understand "Why?"
- Heatherly Takeuchi
I am like "... late autumn trees without fruit, twice dead, pulled up by the roots..." as in Jude 12. I know that I am dead because I have sinned and now I am also dead because I am infertile. No fruit shall I bear for my womb is gone, gone along with the lifeless eggs that refused to grow. I truly have reached the "late autumn" or winter of my reproductive life; however, I am able to share life with others by leading them to Jesus Christ.
- Heatherly Takeuchi
"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, thought the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, thought there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior." - Habakkuk 3:17-18
Do you notice how much brighter the sun shines…
Now that the pain is gone?
Well, no, because I never looked before.
During the pain, I would look to the sun to take the edge off the chill in
my soul.
Yet, now I am warmed and I notice the sunshine.
Do you notice how much more fragrant the flowers smell…
Now that the pain is gone?
Well, no, I used to rush past the flowers before.
During the challenges, I would inhale the sweet aroma of the fragile blooms
to soothe my frazzled nerves.
Yet, now I am calm and I remember to smell the flowers.
Do you notice how much sweet children's laughter sounds…
Now that the pain is gone?
Well, no, I didn't take the time to listen before.
During the worst of it all, I would listen to children's laughter to fill
me up when my body was so empty.
Yet, now I am filled and I listen to the sound of children laugh.
Now that the pain is gone…
I am warmed by the sun
Soothed by fragrant flowers
And cheered by the laughter of children.
It was the pain that taught me how to notice these things.
Yet, now that the pain is gone…
I still notice.
- Heatherly Takeuchi, 12/18/97
Dedicated to Dr. Irving Olender, Healer extraordinaire'
Dear
Hannah's Prayer,
Even though I get so much support from Hannah's
Prayer, I don't feel as though I am in a hurry anymore to get pregnant. I
started a new job recently and I love it. I don't know how I'd handle it if I
did become pregnant right now. Does that sound weird???
Janene Koehly
Dear Janene,
No,
you don't sound "weird." You are simply experiencing another phase of
the infertility journey. Although it is a normal feeling, it is also one that
is rarely talked about. I think we are kind of afraid to admit it to ourselves
(and especially afraid to admit it to others) when we go through times (a single
day, a few weeks, months, or even years) of still desiring to have a baby, and
yet almost fearing that it will actually happen now, after all this
time.
I so often feel I would have been a better parent if I had gotten pregnant (or carried to live birth) five or six years ago when. At that time I was still into baby things like babysitting, spending a lot of time with kids, and talking a lot with mothers about raising children. Now that I have so far distanced myself from most baby-related situations, parenthood is going to be a huge adjustment!
Maybe I have also gotten more selfish in some ways. When we first started trying to have children, we dreamed of all the things we would do together as a family. Now I find myself greatly appreciating the freedom of being able to get up and go out as a couple, at the drop of a hat, without having to think about if children should go or if we need to arrange for a babysitter. I even find myself getting irritated with parents who cannot interact with us as freely in social situations because conversations are constantly being interrupted by the kids. These are things that never used to bother me.
Having said all this, it seems hard to understand how I could have such conflicting emotions about the "inconvenience" of having kids sometimes, and yet still have this incredible drive to become a mother! I used to feel guilty for ever having times of wondering how I would now handle children after pointing my life in such an opposite direction. (How on earth am I going to ever juggle parenthood and Hannah's Prayer?) Then I realized that this is actually a sign of growth. I had asked the Lord to help me be content in whatever His plan for my life was, and by taking away the constantness of the unending urgent "hurry to get pregnant," and even giving me times when I wonder "How I'd handle it if I did become pregnant right now?" I am letting Him use me. He is using my life now rather than just some day in the future when a baby comes.
Allowing our lives to get "too busy for children" is also a self-defense tactic. If we can make ourselves think that we really don't want them to come right now anyway, then infertility doesn't seem like such an enemy. I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling this way. It eases my fears to see all the infertile women who share some of these same conflicting emotions, and watch the conflict melt away with a positive pregnancy test or healthy birth. These women come to realize that even though a pregnancy now isn't the timing they would have chosen, God works out the details.
Jenni Saake, for Hannah's Prayer
I see the countless Christmas Trees around the world below.
With
tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so
spectacular! Please wipe away that tear,
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
But
the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have
now words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond
description to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me. I see the pain inside your
heart,
But I am not so far away. We really aren't apart.
So be happy
for me my loved ones. You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending
Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I send you each a special gift from my Heavenly home above.
I
send you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, "Love" is
the gift, more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the
stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do,
For
I can't count the blessings or love he has for you.
So have a merry
Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I'm spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.
-Author Unknown, submitted by Jane Simeone
On August 20, ten weeks into my pregnancy, I found out that my baby had died. After struggling for 22 months to achieve this pregnancy, I felt so betrayed that my joy had turned to grief.
At first, I was determined I wouldn't let this happen to me again. After all, I can prevent pregnancy and thus prevent the pain and heartache of having to say goodbye far too soon. During the first two weeks following my D&C and my "journey" with grief and loss, I stuck with my decision. I could accept that I had one biological child and live my life.
Actually, that hasn't changed. I still could and be content with life with my one living child. But I am in a journey through grief and working out my "feelings" with what we have gone through. After those first two weeks, something inside my heart has had a meltdown, a softening, a release. I have come to some form of "terms" with my loss and from it has grown a deeper love for my dear husband (who has cared so wonderfully for me during this time) and a renewed trust that God is God.
I have been through a lot of bad things in my life and NEVER have questioned my love, faith, or trust in God. With the loss of my child, I didn't question my faith or love, but I did, for a short time, lose my sense of trust that God knew what He was doing by allowing this tragedy. Over and over again, I would ask my husband, "How many times do I have to be knocked down?" or "When is enough, enough?"
Well, I still don't have all the answers and probably never will. And that is okay. Through it all, the thing that helped me the most is a song written by Twila Paris called, "Do I Trust You?" Before the miscarriage, I would listen to it and never really understood how someone could say that doctrine and theology didn't mean much to them at this point, but now, during this time, my doctrine and theology don't mean as much to me. The only thing I need to find, to rediscover, to search for, is my trust in the Lord.
We aren't going to be "trying" to conceive again but are going to "enjoy" ourselves. And when/if it doesn't happen and I am ready to focus on "trying" again, we will. We saw the doctor today and one of the most important things for me to ask was, "Do we have to go through another year before you'll help us?" To my delight he said, "No. After we see how your cycles are going, in 3-4 months, we'll go right to Clomid" Relief! God is good!
- Kathy Bishop
There was a time when I hated to hear of anybody having a baby! I cried each time I heard of another friend or family member's pregnancy. I kept asking over and over again, "Why isn't it me?!"
Well, after 10 years of going through the struggles of infertility, I've learned to accept my life's path. I believe that God has answered my prayers by telling me that just because I'm barren, doesn't mean I can't be a great spiritual influence on a child. I have 6 nieces, 9 nephews, 1 great nephew, and 1 great niece. I love them all dearly, and I want to make a difference in their lives.
My struggles - all the testing, and going through IVF, and losing the only pregnancy that I conceived through IVF - were the most devastating time of my life. It has been 4 years since I lost my baby and God has healed my wounds. My eyes have been opened to the wonderful gifts of God's love because I'm not a chosen one to conceive or to have my own child.
I still have a purpose. My purpose to let those around me know just how special their children are! When I hear friends or family members complaining about motherhood, I remind them of what a special gift they have been bless with. Believe me, sometimes it isn't easy to listen to some of these remarks that parents make, but after I say my piece, I can tell instantly that I've struck a nerve.
We are all human, and sometimes we forget our purpose. Especially for those of us who struggle so in wanting so much to have a baby, we simply forget the blessing that have been bestowed upon us. I thank God for opening my eyes, healing my pain, taking away the guilt that I felt about not being able to have a child of my own.
It almost consumed me, almost drove me to the point of death! I don't think I could have got any lower then I was. Until I let go completely, and gave it all to God, the pain was unbearable. I'm glad that I did hand the burden over to Him, because I now know there is more to life than just going through the motions. I have true love for all mankind. I can now walk through the baby department of a store without "losing it." I can smile at mothers with their look-alike daughters. I can sincerely greet a pregnant woman and talk about her up coming special gift from God.
Truly there is a path other then that emotion roller coaster of infertility. There is a Light at the end of the tunnel. Remember that God is with you. Once you all hit the bottom, you'll find you're way back to the light and peace of God. Some of you will get your wish of having a baby, and then there will be those of you whose purpose it is to encourage those around you who are having babies.
God knows our needs, and when we finally realize that His plan is perfect, we will find true happiness. As life is here on earth, some of us will not be the ones to raise children. Take the peace of God and pass it to your pregnant friends, reminding them of the special blessing that they are carrying. I know it's hard because I've been there! Try to remember the important thing in life, that each of us is special in God's eyes. God is not out to punish us. He wants us to be happy. Remember that God is with you, and He will catch you if you fall.
- Kim
Lord, I lift my cares to you
Like sending up a kite.
I
know that I must trust you,
And I try to do what's right.
But Lord, I am
a worrier,
And I reel in the string.
I take back what I give to you
To
do my worrying...
And then I fuss and I complain
That you don't "fix
it fast"
And I forget you don't have it....
I'm the one who had it
last.
So, Lord, if you will help me
With yet another thing,
I'll
send it on a kite to you,
And then I'll cut the string.
- Gwen Flowers
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