Hannah To Hannah

Summer/Fall 1999 All rights reserved. Copyright 1999. Issue #15

Providing "Christian Support for Fertility Challenges" including infertility or the loss of a child at any time from conception through early infancy.

A quarterly publication of Hannah's Prayer Ministries.

Table of Contents, Issue #15, Summer/Fall 1999

Issue Theme: "Farewell Issue"
Final Postal/Printed Edition
Seasons of Change, The Best of Hannah to Hannah

Ministry Update for Hannah's Prayer

Help Wanted, Volunteers Needed!

The Waterfall - (stillbirth)

Jenni's Journal - "Seasons of Change" - Thoughts from Hannah's Prayer Director, Jennifer Saake

Thanksgiving Prayer for the Infertile

Pen Pal Connection

Kay Lynn's Dream - (infertility to adoption)

Support Groups

Will Anyone Every Call Me Mommy? - (infertility poem)

Meet the Hannah's Prayer Leadership Team

Meditations from a Father's Heart - (infant death)

Resources and Reviews

Other Christian Infertility & Loss Support Newsletters

Free Internet Resources

"Wait" - (poem about God's timing in our lives)

The Life Within Me - (infertility)

My Crisis of Belief - (infertility)

Sorrows & "Samuels" - Baby Memorials and Celebration Announcements

Letter from Heaven - (pregnancy loss)

Christmas Discouragement - (infertility and miscarriage)

"Now" - (poem for pregnancy loss or infant death)

Bitterness

Newsletter Submission & Reprint Information

Ministry Update for Hannah's Prayer

Hannah's Prayer Ministries has been faced with some tough choices this year. It is with a full heart that I share news of the changes we are in the process of making. Before we talk about where Hannah's Prayer is going as we head into a new century, allow me to share a bit about our ministry's history.

Happy anniversary, Hannah's Prayer! It was Thanksgiving weekend of 1994 when my husband, Rick, and I felt the joint call to start a "small, local Christian infertility support group" in Auburn, California. Our idea was nothing more than the monthly gathering of a few couples who shared the common grounds of Christian faith and heartache over infertility and/or miscarriage. January 1, 2000 will officially mark our fifth anniversary as an established ministry. What an adventure these past five years have turned out to be!

We have often said that it is good that God only showed us a small taste of what He had in store for Hannah's Prayer in those early days, because if we had known what we were really getting into, we would have been too overwhelmed to even try. In five years the Lord has done amazing things, transforming our "small, local group" into an international ministry reaching thousands upon thousands of hurting men and women struggling through infertility or the grief of loosing babies during pregnancy or early infancy.

What Hannah's Prayer has become is fully God's doing, not our own. The newsletter, the network of support groups, the web site, the ever-growing wave of emails, the speaking and writing opportunities, the countless hours sharing heartaches and joys with so many of you around the world; none of these things were in our original plans. God's ways are not our ways. His plans are not our plans. Praise the Lord that His infinite wisdom so far exceeds the limitations of our human frailties!

As awe-inspiring and spiritually invigorating as it has been to see God's hand move so powerfully through Hannah's Prayer, it has also been a physically and emotionally exhausting five years. At last year's board meeting, I shared with the Hannah's Prayer Board of Directors that I was beginning to struggle with burnout under the weight of so many hurting hearts. I asked our Board Members to join me in prayer about God's plan for the future of the ministry, specifically what role God has for me in this organization in the months and years ahead.

When we gathered for this year's Directors' meeting in May, we met together realizing that it would be a year of change for Hannah's Prayer, but still unsure how God would direct the decisions made during our days together. Though Hannah's Prayer has never been "my" ministry and I have made a continual effort to do everything in the Lord's strength and to His glory, we sat down and evaluated what areas of ministry I have been primarily responsible for over these past five years. I was stunned to realize that I have been shouldering the full responsibilities of seven different positions! Another of our Board Members has been doing the work of three people. No wonder our Leadership Team is weary and discouraged!

By the closing prayer of the final meeting day, our Board Members shared an amazing sense of unity, peace, and renewed vision for God's direction in Hannah's Prayer at the start of this new millennium. It was probably one of the hardest Board meetings we have ever had, and I cannot tell you how we struggled over some of the decisions I am now sharing. But each change was bathed in prayer and we are excited to see how God uses Hannah's Prayer in our new areas of ministry focus.

The announcement that is most painful for me to make is also the one we believe to be the most necessary. As you can see, this issue of Hannah to Hannah is much larger than our past publications. We are printing this special edition as a "farewell" letter. This is the last issue of Hannah to Hannah to be available in printed format. Our postal mailing list is being discontinued. We realize that Hannah to Hannah is a lifeline to many of our readers. We would not have peace about discontinuing our printed version if we felt our absence would leave you without support. You will find several similar Christian support newsletters that welcome you to subscribe to their publications listed in this issue's "Resources and Reviews."

Let me clarify that while the postal mailing list is being disbanded, the email and web site versions of Hannah to Hannah will continue! In fact, it is our hope to eventually publish the email version of Hannah to Hannah 6-12 times a year rather than the 3-4 issues we are currently able to produce in postal format. Remember, if you are currently subscribed to the postal version of Hannah to Hannah but have not yet given us your email address, please take the time to subscribe to the email version by sending a blank email to hannahs-subscribe@egroups.com. Our "Resources and Reviews" section will share some tips on how to access our web site or participate in our email newsletter even if you do not have a computer in your home.

Hannah's Prayer is a non-profit organization. As stated at the end of every newsletter, we are only able to offer services as funds permit. Donations to Hannah's Prayer have been dramatically lower this year than last. At the same time our per-issue printing expenses have risen over 600% this year, due to the loss of our printer who was graciously doing our printing at his cost. (Russell and Rebekka Deming, thank you for two years of faithfully printing Hannah to Hannah. With the closing of your business, may the Lord abundantly provide for the needs of your family!)

Money is not the only reason for discontinuing the postal edition of Hannah to Hannah but it was definitely part of the decision making process. While cutting the costs of printing and postage will help the financial situation of Hannah's Prayer greatly, we will continue to generate ongoing financial needs in such areas as our web site, library resources, telephone, postage, equipment purchase and maintenance (computer, fax, software, etc.). Please prayerfully consider how you might be able to help. Tax-deductible donations (United States funds only, please) may be sent to Hannah's Prayer, PO Box 5016, Auburn, CA 95604-5016. Thank you to those of you who have felt called to help with our needs in the past!

We believe that God would rather have Hannah's Prayer doing one thing and doing it well than trying to juggle so many areas of ministry that none are as effective as they should be. Of all current areas of ministry, our web site seems to be making the most dramatic impact with approximately 200 visitors every day! With this in mind, the one thing we now feel God calling us to focus on is our internet presence. In addition to discontinuing the postal newsletter, we are also discontinuing our support group "chapters." While Hannah's Prayer is no longer directly overseeing support groups, we will continue to build our support group index (posted on the web site at http://www.hannah.org/support.htm) and also to accept applications for "Area Contacts." Learn about the Area Contact application process and our Care Guide for ministering to infertile and bereaved families at http://www.hannah.org/handbook.htm.

Area Contacts are those who desire to be formally affiliated with Hannah's Prayer as they make themselves available to minister to infertile and/or bereaved women or couples in their local areas. Area Contacts must be in agreement with the Hannah's Prayer Statement of Faith (http://www.hannah.org/sof.htm) as well as our ministry philosophy and goals (http://www.hannah.org/more.htm), yet their support groups remain primarily governed independently from Hannah's Prayer leadership. By making this change away from "chapters" to a more relaxed ministry structure, we hope to encourage many currently existing and yet-to-form Christian support groups to join with us under our ministry umbrella. With our support group index, we will be acting as a clearinghouse to connect people to all great local support groups worldwide rather than having those support groups just being "ours." If you are part of a local Christian support group, please consider listing your group as an Area Contact with Hannah's Prayer.

My title has officially changed from "Executive Director" to "Interim Director." We are actively seeking someone with fresh enthusiasm and the Lord's calling to shoulder the overall ministry responsibilities. We are also praying for a qualified newsletter editor to take over the task of compiling each issue of Hannah to Hannah. The one position I plan to retain once the Lord brings others to share in the various aspects of leadership within Hannah's Prayer is that of "Web Master," maintaining our web site.

While we understand your disappointment at some of these changes, we ask you to share our excitement in God's new direction for Hannah's Prayer. The changes started our very first year of ministry with the realization that others wanted to have support groups like ours. Soon the newsletter was born. In 1996 a tentative attempt to post a web site was taken. Thereafter, the web site was joined by an email subscription option for the newsletter. While Hannah to Hannah continues to be a powerful tool, the Lord seems to have different plans for distribution than we first realized. Our chat room is flourishing every Thursday night, our email pals program grows daily, and the letters we receive sharing how our various topical web pages and resource lists have brought healing in times of pain are beautiful to read. So different than what we had imagined Hannah's Prayer to be, but so clearly a thriving ministry when allowed to grow in the direction God intended.

Jennifer Saake
Co-Founder, Hannah's Prayer Ministries

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Help Wanted:

Volunteers Needed!!!

There are several positions needing to be filled within Hannah's Prayer. If you are interested in talking with us about assuming any of the following positions, I will be happy to discuss the details with you via email at hannahs@hannah.org or telephone at 775-852-9202. The minimum requirements for each job would be the same as those of our Area Contacts. Every member of our growing Leadership Team must have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, be in agreement with our Statement of Faith and ministry goals, and have a personal understanding of the pain of fertility challenges with a heart to encourage others who are struggling with these issues. All positions must be filled by unpaid volunteers to keep Hannah's Prayer running. Computer and internet access and experience are also important factors. Positions we are seeking to fill include:

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The Waterfall

- Reprinted from the Spring 1997 issue of "Hannah to Hannah." -

"I sat staring at my newborn twins, tears flooding my tired eyes. How perfect they were, these two tiny angels I'd just given flight to. They lay bundled in warm yellow blankets, tucked safely in my aching arms. Their eyes closed, their soft red hair brilliant against pale skin, their tiny fingers relaxed. I almost expected them to let out a wail of contradiction at any moment. 'What plans I have made for you, my daughter and my son,' I spoke in my mind. My voice was gone, hiding somewhere as to not betray my agony. Then I sighed. 'What plans I had made for you,' I corrected myself. I had planned for them to have the best of everything. In all of my power, they would never want for anything. I had promised them life . . . My twins were born into this world too soon. Too little to live. Too precious to die. I had already failed as a mother . . .
"The doctor came in to take my angels away. My contempt for her welled up inside my heart. She was to have been their savior. Did she do everything she could to save my babies? But that thought dwindled away as I realized everything I could have done differently. I admit my faith in Our Father wavered a bit. The usual questions (Why me?) and the usual accusations (How could You let this happen?). But that feeling, too, fell away as I realized everything I would do differently the next time, if in fact there was a next time:
I would not take that tiny sip of wine at dinner.
I would not get upset at my husband for petty little things.
I would not insist that I was able to lift that box out of the closet.
Maybe next time I wouldn't even get out of bed.
Maybe next time I wouldn't make any promises, because now I know we control nothing in this world.
"One day I'll be able to move on from this moment. One day I'll be able to think about my darling twins and not cry, only smile in fond memory of the way they made me feel when they were still with me. One day I'll be okay. But right now I need to cry and mourn the children Ty and Jenny will never become."

I finished reading the words I had written only weeks before, and I placed my hand over my heart, half-expecting to feel its jagged edge cutting into my flesh. The biting winter wind whipped around me as I stood on the beach bundled up against the brutal cold, my hiking boot-clad feet sinking slowly into the muddy sand. I pulled my oversized forest green parka tighter around my shivering body and crushed the tattered paper deep into my pocket as I stared out at the angry black waves crashing into one another. The thunderous roar of the Pacific Ocean echoed in my ears. The alarming blast of a foghorn jarred me out of my thoughts, and I glanced around me, wondering if I was still alone. Heavyhearted, but thankful for the solitude, I trudged my way over to a gathering of dead logs, petrified by the salt of the ocean. My feet were unsteady in the charcoal colored sand, and my ankles wobbled and throbbed from the effort. I settled down into one of the crevices of the tree trunk that was empty of seawater and watched apathetically as the broken body of a once beautiful sea gull washed up on the grimy shore. Behind me, a mountain of boulders and stones reached to the cliff that overlooked the beach. I remember thinking that if those rocks were to fall, I would be buried beneath them and no one could find me. The thought was not an unwelcome one.

The sky was dark and brooding, ready to send a rainstorm and disastrous winds at any moment, as the late afternoon sun was absent, busy warming another part of the earth. The tide was rising higher and faster, the longer I sat on my log. Doom was pending. The beach would soon be flooded, and the trees and rocks littered around me would be washed out to sea. How I longed to go with them. I watched as the gray sea foam swirled around my feet, and the icy spray of the waves showered me, urging me along. Sighing miserably, I stood and made my way back to the trail that would lead me home. The home that held nothing for me.

My husband was a good man, but he did not, could not, understand my pain. He was mourning the promise of our future as parents; I was mourning the two blessed lives that had grown and moved inside me. Vividly, I remembered their fluttering kicks that jarred me awake at night. Vividly, I remembered the patter of their heartbeats echoing around the examining room. Vividly, I remembered them . . .

As I started up the twisting, overgrown trail, a shadow appeared in front of me, and I stepped back, alarmed. I thought I was the only one who braved the beach during a Northwestern Winter.

"Honey, it's me," my husband said, stepping into full view.

Instantly I was relieved, but at the same time I felt guilty. William had expressed time and again his wishes that I not come to the beach alone. I had betrayed that plea everyday for three weeks. The cold, gray, desolate beach was the only place I could go where the atmosphere matched my emotions. It felt right to be in the midst of such sorrow and abandonment.

"I wish you would've let me come with you," he said, reaching out to brush my wind-whipped hair away from my face.

"You were napping. I hated to disturb you," I lied. In truth, I had purposefully sneaked out of the house hoping that when he awoke, my husband would think I had holed myself up in the nursery again. He seldom bothered me there.

"I know you come here everyday," he told me. "I've been right behind you, but you were too lost in your thoughts to notice."

I stared at him. He had been with me all this time, and I hadn't known? How could that be?

"In fact, you've overlooked a lot." My husband took my hand and led me back to the beach where the tide had already engulfed my log. We stood back and watched the waves grow stronger as they raged toward us. He continued on, "I know you come here because it's dark and gloomy and angry. Just like you are. You want to stay in your grief forever because you feel guilty for going into labor early. You haven't stopped to realize that none of this was your fault. You haven't stopped your tears long enough to think that maybe our son and daughter were so special that Heaven kept them for the angels. They were too pure for this world we live in."

I blinked back tears as what he was saying to me slowly sunk in. But he wasn't finished. "Have you stopped to think that you will be reunited with them one day? That they are waiting for us in Heaven?"

Then William took me by the shoulders and spun me around to face the cliff I had always known was behind me. But what I saw that day took my breath away. A cascade of bubbling white water spilled over the top of the cliff and rained down the side, dancing over jutting rocks and gliding beautifully into a tiny stream that emptied into the ocean. It was a curtain of hope on this somber beach, and I wondered how I could have missed seeing it before. "Not everyone can see the waterfall, April. It takes someone who loves you unconditionally to turn you around and say 'Look! There is some beauty left in this world."

I gazed up at my strong, loving husband and realized for the first time since I said goodbye to my twins that I was crying happy tears. I wound my arms around his neck and whispered, "Thank you."

- April Whiddon Matthews, for her stillborn twins William Ty and Jenny Pearl

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Jenni's Journal

Thoughts from Hannah's Prayer Co-Founder, Jennifer Saake

If you haven't yet read the "Ministry Update for Hannah's Prayer," my Journal article won't make much sense to you. Presuming you have read all that background, I want to encourage you not to feel overwhelmed or discouraged by these dramatic changes that may come as a shock. I hope I have not painted a bleak picture for our ministry future. Actually, after this year's Board meeting, I feel more excitement and hope for new ways God will be using us than I have felt in a long time. Yes, this is a lot to digest, but changes come in God's perfect timing and I truly believe that Hannah's Prayer will come through stronger, more focused, and better able to serve the needs of those the Lord calls us to touch.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 states, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven" (NIV). One season is drawing to an end for Hannah's Prayer and I must admit that this has been a very hard and emotional time for me. Hannah's Prayer and Hannah to Hannah have been my "babies" over the years and it is hard to let go of those I have nurtured for so long. I am grateful that the Lord is allowing a way for Hannah to Hannah to continue in electronic formats, but I know that opening an email isn't quite the same as the comfort of curling up on the couch to read with a box of tissues and the feel of paper in my hands. As the Lord raises up a new Director and Newsletter Editor (along with the many other positions we are seeking to fill) I will slowly have to relinquish more and more of my hands-on involvement with Hannah's Prayer. Each relinquishment will bring growing pains to my heart.

Just as the seasons are changing for our ministry, the seasons of my personal life are changing as well. I hesitate to share my next news because I know that our joy will bring pain to many. It seems especially harsh to me that this announcement comes in the same letter where many of you may already be feeling deserted by a publication you have looked to for support. But I believe that not sharing this news would be dishonest and also hurtful to many, so I ask those who are emotionally able to rejoice with us. If you are in a place where my joy is hurtful to you, please know that I understand that too because I have been where you are today!

After seven years of waiting, praying, hoping, crying, trying, frustrated hopes and shattered dreams, the Lord has opened my womb a second time! We are thankful, humbled and awed beyond words to be entrusted with this undeserved gift, a baby boy (according to ultrasound) due to be born around January 6, 2000. Thank you for prayerfully and lovingly encouraged us along this journey. Most of you know that it took us two years to conceive our first baby, Noel Alexis (meaning "Christmas Minister of Needs). Noel would have recently celebrated her forth birthday had she not left my womb to join our Father in her Heavenly home on December 26/27, 1994. We have also walked the path of failed adoption five times. It has been a long hard road and even this pregnancy itself has not been free from complications. Until we hold our precious new son alive and well in our arms, I cannot say that the heartache is fully over. Even then, my innocence stripped away by these past seven years, it will be a daily walk of faith to trust our child's life to God's protection.

Perhaps the timing of changes within Hannah's Prayer seems ironic in light of the news of our coming baby. It is one of my greatest fears that you will feel that I am abandoning you now that the desire of our hearts seems to be granted! I would like to remind you that the changes for Hannah's Prayer have been prayerfully being considered for nearly two years now. Yes, we did learn the news of this baby before our Board met in May and I am sure that our pregnancy had at least some influence on a few of the decisions made. Having said this, I can state with conviction that the majority of these changes would have happened even if Rick and I were not expecting this child. If anything this pregnancy has only served to intensify my heartache for those who are still waiting for their prayers to be answered and reaffirmed my compassion for those suffering the deaths of their children!

Every time someone tells me how much God has used Hannah's Prayer to touch their lives, I can only respond that God has used Hannah's Prayer to change and heal my own heart more than anyone else. The ministry of Hannah's Prayer will forever be close to my heart and I do plan to stay as involved as the Lord will allow. But I am also seeing the need to step aside from the prominent positions of leadership that I have filled for five years to allow others the blessing of being used powerfully by the Lord in this ministry. If the Lord allows our son to be born, my biggest ministry will now need to be that of motherhood as I cannot allow myself to pour so many hours into Hannah's Prayer that I neglect the child I have for so long prayed.

Thank you all for the gift of allowing God to change me as I have reached out to comfort you! It is my prayer that each of you will in turn reach out to comfort others that you might know the same joy of ministry. "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows" 2 Cor. 1:3-5 (NIV).

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Thanksgiving Prayer for the Infertile

- Reprinted from the Fall 1997 issue of "Hannah to Hannah." -

Father, I know that I am supposed to give thanks today. There are many things I have for which to be thankful. I want to thank you for my loving and devoted spouse who knows that sometimes the best thing to do is to hold me and say nothing. You have given me a wonderful family who is trying really hard to help me through this difficult time. This time around I have in-laws that comfort me. You have blessed me with two beautiful stepchildren. Sometimes it is very hard to be a stepmother but I am trying hard to act the way you would want me to. You have also given me a great job working with people that are understanding and supportive and who always acknowledge my hard work. Lord, for these things I am thankful.

But today, I am also sad. Today is a holiday for families. My family is not complete. I do not have my child. Today I long to hold in my arms my baby. I want to celebrate a first Thanksgiving and Christmas. I want to know the joy and sorrow of parenthood. Lord, some say that it is not your will for me to have a child. If I believe that, I have to believe that it is your will for unwanted babies to be aborted every year. I have to believe that you want children to be born with AIDS, addicted to heroin, abandoned to die and abused. Lord, I cannot believe that those things are your will. I wonder if these people have a direct line to you that I do not have.

So, once again, I pray the Serenity Prayer to you. Please give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change. With that strength, I also pray for the peace that passes all understanding. Please give me the courage to change the things that I can. If there is something I can do, show me the way, Lord, show me the way. But most of all, grant me your wisdom to know the difference. Please don't let me continue to fight a battle that cannot be won. I pray that you will help me to live childfree. Fill my heart so that the longing is no longer there. Comfort me when I can no longer bear the anguish that this loss causes me.

Father, forgive me my feelings of jealousy I get when I see another with their child. Forgive me my feelings of envy when I see a beautiful pregnant woman. Forgive me my feelings of self-doubt and failing. Forgive me for pulling away from you when I need you the most. I want to understand why I have been chosen to walk this path. This is a path that no woman should ever walk. Lord, you heard Sarah's prayer and gave her hope. I pray that you hear the prayer of all the infertile couples in the world. I pray for the safe, healthy pregnancies of my friends. I pray for your comforting arms to wrap around those who have lost a child this year.

Father, thank you once again for all that you have given me. I know that I am blessed beyond imagination. With your help, I can find peace. Amen.

© Copyright 1996, Louise C. Taylor, All rights reserved. First published on the "Writings of Infertile Couples" at www.teleport.com/~lsundae/infert.htm.

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Pen Pal Connection

If you would like to be listed in a future Pen Pal Connection, please send a request specifying that you want to be listed in the newsletter as a pen pal. Include a brief explanation of your story and contact information (mailing address and/or phone number). If you want only your email address listed, submit your story online at http://www.hannah.org/penpal.htm. Pen pal information is available to anyone who reads our newsletter in postal, email, or web site format, so please be sure you want your personal information made available to so many people around the world before you request such a post!

Brian and I have a five-year-old son named Thomas. We tried for a year and a half to get pregnant with our second child. When we finally did conceive, we found out in the forth month of pregnancy she had heart defects. Faith was born at 35 weeks gestation by emergency c-section on August 15, 1997. She lived five days in the NICU. We have since had a successful pregnancy, Winter Joy, born February 13, 1999. I would like to correspond with anyone who has lost a baby for any reason. Jennifer Moore, PO Box 122, Arlington, NE 68002.

My husband has 2 children (boy 12 and girl 19) from a previous marriage. We have been married 5½ years and have been unable to get pregnant. Due to lack of insurance and modest income we can't get fertility tests or adopt. I would like to correspond with other women who face "step parent" infertility, especially those on the west coast, preferably Oregon! Sometimes I think our pain can be a "double whammy" in its intensity, especially when the stepchildren come to visit and you haven't even been a "regular parent" yet. It can be confusing too! Sharon Goemaere, 831 Weeks Drive NE, Keizer, OR 97303. (New Address, updated from issue #13.)

My first baby was lost to 2nd trimester miscarriage. Chaia was born full term on 7/31/98, living for 1 hour, 32 minutes. I have a genetic complication that may make it close to impossible to ever have a "normal" child. Does this feeling every go away? We are considering adoption and I am not sure how I feel about that. I have moved away from my hometown and support group and feel a great need for help through my grief process. Lauri Boyett, PO Box 362, Alto, TX 75925.

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Kay Lynn's Dream

- Reprinted from the Winter 1996 issue of "Hannah to Hannah." -

Should we pursue adoption? When Tom and Kay Lynn Aylard contemplated adoption, they gave themselves six months to talk, think, pray and research before making a decision. While still unsure what the future would hold, they felt God pointing the way into adoption by the end of that time. On the last night of the six month window they had set aside, God gave Kay Lynn a very special dream she felt was a message to affirm their decision. Though letting go of their plans and hopes for conceiving a child was painful, Kay Lynn felt comfort and peace in knowing God had been with them through the darkest of times.

The dark was deep and the wind cold as the shroud of night descended. Inside, the single lamp burned. There was not much more I could add to the heaping suitcase but Elizabeth lifted a stack of blouses from the closet and dropped them on the bed.
"These look new. Have you worn them? You should leave these here."
I looked at the pile of crisp, unworn maternity tops and remembered that underneath the layer of dust they still held the empty smell of the store. "No. I have to take them. They are important."
"OK, but I hope this is it. We're already going to have a hard time getting the suitcase closed."
I reached out to smooth a fold from the multi-colored garment on the top of the stack while my thoughts drifted back to my morning walk with Tom…

The sun shown through a cool breeze which wrinkled the surface of the water, murmuring far beneath the bridge. We laughed and called out to our friends as we walked. The gray cables soaring into the blue sky gave me a feeling of security, although I could sense the concrete bridge sway slightly as occasionally a car passed. Here and there throughout the crowds, I recognized friends and family. They seemed to be enjoying themselves as much as I.
Reaching the far end of the bridge, we could see a broad footpath meandering through the tall grass and over a huge land bridge. People moved leisurely across it with plenty of room for eleven or twelve to walk side-by-side.
"That looks like fun," I told Tom. "Let's remember this for another day when it's not so crowded."
"Yeah, looks like some good picnic spots over there," he said as we turned to head back…

The memory of the day faded. A strong sense of fearful urgency propelled me into the present. Glancing at my watch, I realized I had only ten minutes to finish packing before meeting Tom. Tonight we would leave for the journey we knew we had to take. Knowing that I could only bring what I could carry, I helped Elizabeth force the suitcase closed. I tried to push away the hollow ache of the coming loss. My thoughts shifted toward the future. I must ignore the desire to stay here with my friends and the things I had grown to love.
Startled by the creaking door, I stepped slowly into the angry blast. Glancing behind me, I saw the silent cluster of friends illuminated warmly in the doorway. Tears stinging my eyes, I pressed forward into the darkness. But before I could reach the small stand of trees where Tom was waiting, I stumbled on an upturned shopping cart. Thinking that it would speed our journey, I lifted my suitcase into the cart and pushed it ahead of me toward our meeting place. "Did you get out all right?" I gasped, taking his icy hand.
"Yeah, but I didn't think it would be so hard to leave." Tom carried his own neatly packed suitcase as I shoved my rattling cart forward into the night. We started off side-by-side, leaning into the biting wind. I started to hear the sound of water thrashing beneath the swaying bridge. We walked without speaking, listening to the violent wind stirring the troubled waves.
Gradually I realized that we weren't travelling alone. Fear spread icily over me. Each time I looked forward into the storm I noticed someone moving beside us, but whenever I turned to focus on it, the figure would vanish. Gripping the handle of my cart, I stretched my stiff arms and shoved it ahead into the night, each step more of a struggle than the one before. I fought harder and harder just to move. I could tell that Tom and our elusive companion were slowing to wait for me. Groaning with effort, hot tears streaming down my face, I inched toward them.
Reaching them, I stood trembling and gasping for breath. I could see we were at the end of the bridge. Dawn crept silently over the sodden world. The howling night wind settled into a moan. Heavy clouds smothered the sky. In the distance, where the beautiful trail had been just the day before, the water had risen hundreds of feet and now splashed dully over the top of the land bridge. A steep, sandy bank descended into the surging sea and the well-worn path was barely visible through the deepening waves.
The need for words dissolved. Our fellow traveler stepped back and motioned us down the grade. I looked into his eyes and recognized all the faces of those we had left behind. Friends who had given words of comfort, others on whose support we had come to depend, and the familiar, penetrating gaze of the ones who knew us best and loved us beyond all our failure.
I understood that the cart loaded with my bulging suitcase would never roll through the deep sand. "Tom, I can't take my stuff down there," I mumbled. "The wheels are so small they'll sink in the sand."
"You'll have to leave it here," he said, and I could hear the tremor in his voice.
Wrenching my fingers off the cart, I turned and stumbled down to the water's edge. There stood the One who had walked with us through the terrifying night, His nail-scarred hand pointing ahead over the water in the direction of the path we had wanted so much to take. After one long look into each other's eyes, Tom and I clasped hands and stepped into the water, hearing the splash of Another's step right behind us.

- Kay Lynn Aylard

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Support Groups

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Will Anyone Every Call Me Mommy?

- Reprinted from the Spring 1997 issue of "Hannah to Hannah." -

Will anyone ever call me Mommy and bring me flowers in their chubby hand?
Will anyone ever call me Mommy and show me castles made of sand?
Will anyone ever call me Mommy and bring me pictures made in Sunday School?
Will anyone ever call me Mommy and say "I love you mom, you're cool."?
Will anyone ever call me Mommy and invite me to pretend tea?
Will anyone ever call me Mommy and want me to kiss a scraped knee?
Will anyone ever call me Mommy and ask me advice about boys?
Will anyone ever call me Mommy and I'll say "Turn down that noise!"?
Will anyone ever call me Mommy and turn 16 and wreck the car?
Will anyone ever call me Mommy and write to me from college far?
Will anyone ever call me Mommy? I'll be so proud at graduation!
Will anyone ever call me Mommy and look at me with admiration?
Will anyone ever call me Mommy and bring me grandkids to love and hold?
Will anyone ever call me Mommy and take care of me when I'm old?
Will anyone ever call me Mommy and think about me when I'm gone?
Will anyone ever call me Mommy before it all is said and done?

- Tina Milacek

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Meet the Hannah's Prayer Leadership Team

It is my privilege to introduce you to a team of men and women who faithfully give of their time and hearts to serve the Lord through Hannah's Prayer. Some of these wonderful folks have been part of our Leadership Team for several years, others only a few months. In this farewell letter I feel it only appropriate to let you "see the faces" behind Hannah's Prayer Ministries.

Hannah's Prayer Board of Directors:

Hannah's Prayer Board of Reference:

Hannah's Prayer Postal Correspondence Coordinator:
Shelly Howard shelly@skyq.com has been responsible for answering incoming postal mail for almost a year now. Her experiences include six years of infertility, the loss of two babies to miscarriage and spending most of her pregnancy on bed rest with the remaining triplet who was born prematurely. The Howards now struggle with secondary infertility.

Hannah's Prayer Chat Room Manager:
Sue H. suzieq@pathcom.com took over the reigns of the Hannah's Prayer internet live chat room - http://www.hannah.org/chat.htm - in July of this year. She is doing a wonderful job and the Thursday night chats are thriving! Under Sue's leadership the chat room is also starting to see a lot of good conversation at unscheduled times throughout the week.

Hannah's Prayer Area Contacts:

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Meditations from a Father's Heart

- Reprinted from the Summer 1997 issue of "Hannah to Hannah." -

"I will praise you, O Lord, with all my heart;
I will tell of all your wonders. I will be glad and rejoice in you;
I will sing praise to your name, O Most High...
"The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.
Those who know your name will trust in you
for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you
"Have mercy and lift me up from the gates of death, that I may declare your praises…"

Psalm 9:1-2, 9-10, 13b-14a (NIV)

The second King of the nation Israel, David, penned these verses. A look at David's story reveals the heart of a grieving father at least three different times. This Psalm was written to be sung to a tune called "The Death of a Son."
From the context of the Psalm and references to God as one who "avenges blood" in verse 12, I would presume that these words were most likely written after the loss of David's grown son, Amnon, to murder (II Sam. 13:25-31) following the previous death of a young infant son (II Sam. 12:1-23). David's third son, Absalom, eventually betrayed David, trying to overthrow his kingdom, and died in battle against David's own men (II Sam. 18).
How could a man watch his baby slowly die from an illness and face so much grief with his other sons, yet still sing word of praise? Perhaps it is because David had learned that God was the only one to turn to when life proved so fragile and fleeting. When he felt oppressed and forsaken, he learned that no other refuge would adequately minister to his wounded spirit.
David may also be the author of Psalm 94 where we find words that expressing the helplessness many of us feel in our struggles with fertility challenges. It is easy to find ourselves at the "gates of death" and give up on our own lives when we are hurting so much. The author states, "Unless the Lord had given me help, I would have soon dwelt in the silence of death. When I said, 'My foot is slipping,' your love, O Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul" Psalm 94:17-19 (NIV).
David found hope in the knowledge of a future with his children as proven by his statement at the death of his baby. "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought 'Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.' But now that he is dead, why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me" 2 Sam. 12:22-23 (NIV).
We are all in different stages of grief and acceptance as we work through the issues of infertility or the loss or our children. We may or may not yet be ready to sing praises to God. It may even be hard to comprehend that we will ever be able to look on God as a loving Father again. Let this Psalm serve as a reminder of hope that though our pain may never be forgotten, God will bring healing to our broken hearts as we continue to lift our pain before Him. Our Stronghold is merciful and will one day give us each a song of praise!

© Jennifer Saake, 1997

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Resources & Reviews

Hannah's Prayer is not directly related to, nor has any financial interest in the following resource products, services, or organizations. We prayerfully list them to help you find other resources that may be of blessing or encouragement to you.

Other Christian Infertility & Loss Support Newsletters

Free Internet Resources

To explore the vast resources of the Internet, your first requirement is access to a computer. If you do not have a computer in your home you may be able to borrow or rent time from a friend, your local library, school districts or colleges, or other public avenues. The book Infertility On the Internet by Julie Watson ($14.95, order from Conceiving Concepts, Inc., 502-241-8497) offers a detailed chapter on internet access for new computer users. Once you are "online," you may find the following free resources to be of help. This is definitely not an extensive list, only a place to start:

There are also several places to obtain free web-based email accounts (must already have internet access and be willing to send/receive email through a web site, works well for those who have internet access through a public computer such as a library, school or work) such as:

Many couples find the internet to be a great place of therapy as we channel our frustrations into useful purposes. Some build web sites to place a public memorial of their children who have died, to share information about specific illnesses that may have contributed their children's deaths, offer support pages for others facing infertility, or educational pages dealing with infertility causes such as Endometriosis. Here are a few places to obtain free internet space for hosting your own web site:

Free or low cost, personalized domain names for your web site are available from:

Find your way around the internet by typing in a specific address such as the Hannah's Prayer web site - http://www.hannah.org - or by visiting search engines where you type in your topic (such as "miscarriage" or "infertility") and let the internet show you pages that you may want to visit:

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"Wait"

- Reprinted from the Spring 1998 issue of "Hannah to Hannah." -

When we printed this poem, the only information we had was, "Posted to the alt.infertility internet newsgroup in August of 1997.  We were unable to trace the originating author."  We have since found this poem to be copyrighted, © 1980, Russell Kelfer. All rights reserved.  To read this wonderful, powerful, incredible poem, please visit:

Russell Kelfer's Wait Page
or
The Wait Poem

"Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."
Isaiah 40:30-31 (New King James Version)

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The Life Within Me

- Reprinted from the Fall 1995 issue of "Hannah to Hannah." -

To my husband, Kevin, and me, infertility is not measured in the years of trying to conceive, but rather, in the experiences of a lifetime. It began when we were young children and people frequently assured us, "Someday you'll grow up, get married, and have children." It continued when, at the precious age of eight, Kevin decided to name his boy Zachary. It developed when my friends and I played house and I was always the "Mom." It escalated during those first few years of marriage when we "took chances" and excitedly thought "maybe..." And now, it lingers on...month by month, year by year. We fluctuate from despair to hope, doubt to trust, and from hurt, anguish and sorrow to assuredness and excitement.

For Kevin, it is realizing that this upcoming birthday he will be 32, not 31 like he thought. It is admitting openly that, "I always thought I would at least have a five-year-old by now." For me, it is the difficult task of, once again, yielding my wants to God, and accepting what He wants, in His time. That's hard.

Recently, I was sharing with God what I yearned for deep inside. One of my earnest needs was to feel life within. I wanted to feel what it would be like to have a little baby life living and growing in me. And with God, as always, a more awesome, powerful revelations of truth humbled me and brought me to my knees. "I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me..." (Gal. 2:20). CHRIST lives in me! That's right! January 28, 1988, I DIED. "Or do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus have been baptized into His death?" (Romans 6:3). I was BURIED. "Therefore we have been buried with Him through baptism into death, in order that as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, so too we may walk in newness of life." (Romans 6:4). I was submerged in the watery grave. "For if we have become united with Him in the likeness of His death, certainly we shall be also in the likeness of His resurrection." (Romans 6:5). I AROSE. "God...made us alive together with Christ" (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with Him and HE LIVES IN ME!

I had promised Him that if (and when!) I conceived a little baby, that I would eat well, exercise, and do everything to help that little life be nourished and grow. As any caring pregnant mother would do, I would neglect my wants (chocolate, caffeine, etc.) for the good of the baby. I would self-sacrifice. As my sister-in-law's OB/GYN put it, "If it isn't nourishing for the baby, why eat it?"

That's wonderful - but what am I doing NOW to nourish and cause Christ's life to grow within me? First, I must know that His Spirit is alive in me and REAL, just like a small baby would be. That means denying myself ("if anyone wishes to come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me" Matthew 16:24.) and self-sacrifice ("...present your bodies as living and holy sacrifices, acceptable to God..." Romans 12:1-2). Second, I must feed and nourish that life within - with the Word ("Thy Word I have treasured in my heart, that I may not sin against Thee" Psalm 119:9-11). Just as a little baby needs nourishment through it's mother, so too, my spirit needs nourishment through God's Word - that's when faith grows. "So faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of Christ" (Romans 10:17). Third, I must share my good news with others (Mark 16:15-16).

If I were to get pregnant this month, everyone would know! I would call my mom and dad, Kevin's mom and dad, our brothers and sisters, my friends and my grandma! I would tell everyone at work and at the store and at our bank and our neighbors and people on the street! Yet, I have even BETTER news. I have Life within me...forever!

So again, this month, I remind myself, "If then you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on the things that are on earth..." (like me wanting to be pregnant!). "...For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God" (Col. 3:1-3). Yes, and again, "it is no longer I who lives, but CHRIST LIVES IN ME!"

- Carolyn Wilson, first published in the August/September, 1994 issue of Stepping Stones.

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My Crisis of Belief

What I have gained from Infertility

In retrospect everything seems clear but it took me over five long, painful years to discover the glory in this situation.
Regardless of the outcome of my recent I.V.F. experience I have grown spiritually and have learned so many things about the way God wants me to respond. I had searched for years trying to discover God's purpose for my life and I feel that his truth is soon to be revealed.
Perhaps, the most difficult thing I have learned is patience and faith while walking with God daily. It has also been difficult for me to give our relationship as much energy as I have given to my infertility problems which I allowed to consume my life. "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" Hebrews 11:1.

Steps to building a love relationship with God that will last forever:
To raise my awareness of God and hurry to adjust my life to Him
To place God first in my life
To stay in touch with God daily and depend on him only
To eliminate jealousy and strive only for the Kingdom of God
To enjoy what God has given me
Look to God's word for answers to what troubles or puzzles me
To study his word for more truths to be revealed concerning my life and his purpose
To show obedience to God
To be aware of where God is already working and to join in
To be happy by responding to God and knowing that I am doing his will
To know that truth will be revealed at the right time for me and that I will never discover it on my own
To obey and adjust my life according to what I have learned from God
Forget my own circumstances and wait to see God reveal the truth of the situation
Respond by following his sign with faith that it is a sign from God
Focus on God's revelation Remember, through God nothing is impossible
Reveal faith before knowing the outcome
To be sustained by God
To trust God to protect me
I cannot continue my life as usual and go with God, I must make sacrifices for Him
Obedience is costly to me and those around me
If I do not have clear instructions from God in a matter, I will pray and wait. I will not try to bypass the love relationship

In closing, it is my desire to witness in hope that someone else may benefit from experiencing, knowing, and doing the will of God. Also, to be able to relax and enjoy each day as the precious gift that it is instead of wishing my life away. "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened," Matthew 7:7-8)

Most importantly I wish to boast in the Lord and thank him for the great blessing he has given to my husband and I. For my attempt was successful and yet another miracle has come to pass. Even my physician said, "You have done all you can do and now it is up to the man upstairs." He who forms the hearts of all and him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine deserves my glory and praise forever!

- Angela Harkins, 02-13-99, revised 02-23-99, aharkins@mindspring.com
Inspired by the Bible study, Knowing and Doing the Will of God, Henry T. Blackaby & Claude V. King

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Sorrows & "Samuels"

Baby Memorials and Celebration Announcements

"I prayed for this child [Samuel], and the Lord granted me what I asked of Him."

I Samuel 1:27

(* Indicates that a donation has been made to Hannah's Prayer in honor of this child.)

In Loving Memory of:

Bernice Joiner, due 7/25/99, lost to miscarriage 11/25/98, one day before Thanksgiving. "November 16th will be a year since I found out I was pregnant. Last year at Thanksgiving I really didn't think I had much to give thanks for, but I know that I was wrong. I had so much to be thankful for, and I will remember you this Thanksgiving as my most precious gift yet. I thank God that he let me spend those few days with you, and I thank Him that He took you away for whatever reason, because I know that His reason was a good one. I love you always, Bernice, and I cannot wait to see you in heaven!"

In Joyful Celebration of:

Lea, daughter of Eeva, born after infertility and miscarriage.

Jard Lane comes into the family of Andrew and Dawn Tracy by the wonderful blessing of adoption after 4½ years of infertility.

*Kelly Jayne, born 7/29/98 to James and Sheila Christensen after 7 years of infertility. "Glory to God for His faithfulness and perfect timing." Also remembering our three in Heaven due to miscarriage and ectopic pregnancy.

Isaac Myung-Hoon, born 7/21/98 in Korea, joined the family of Jeff and Joleen Blunck on 1/21/99, through the gift of adoption after infertility.

Winter Joy Moore-Hilgenkamp was born 2/13/99, a comfort to her parents, Brian and Jennifer, and big brother Thomas after the death of Faith Elizabeth 8/20/97 at five days of age.

*Rachel Kathleen, born 3/22/99 to be adopted into the family of Scott and Gretchen Ecoff.

*David Matthew's birth on 3/24/99 brings healing to the hearts of Paul and Doreen Keptner and big brother Steven after infertility and the miscarriage of two children.

Hannah Grace, joins biological sister Joy and adopted brother Nicholas in the family of John and Paula Oliver on 4/18/99 after several years of infertility and three miscarriages.

Sarah, born to Glen and Alice Wallace 5/6/99, after several pregnancy losses.

Noah comes as a gift from the Lord to David and Crista Renner on 12/12/98 after the stillbirth of son Elijah two years earlier.

*Rachel Elaine born to Joy and Buddy Phillips and big sister Abigail on 6/22/99 after a long struggle with infertility. The Phillips family also remembers Gabriel Grace (miscarried in February 98) and looks forward to the day their family will be reunited in Heaven. This gift is given by Rachel's aunt and godmother, Faith Plvan, whose own struggle with infertility resulted in two sons here on earth and three children lost to miscarriage waiting for her in Heaven.

Nathaniel Claybourne, son of Brandon and Rebekah Staggs, born 6/27/99 after 3½ years of infertility.

Chase John, born to Jack and Kelly Schoof on 6/8/99 after infertility.

We regret that our baby memorials and celebration announcements must be so brief due to space limitations. Your children are of great value and the shortened length of these listings is in no way a reflection of minimized worth.
If you would like your baby listed in a future newsletter, please send us your loss, adoption, or birth announcement including names (of baby, parents, etc.), dates, any previous struggle with infertility or loss, and any other brief information you would like us to consider including. If you would like to make a memorial or celebration donation to Hannah's Prayer in your child's name, we will be happy to note that in your announcement. You must specify that you would like your announcement printed in the newsletter or we may unintentionally overlook publishing your precious baby's information.

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Letter from Heaven

The other day, Mommy, I looked down from heaven upon you. A doctor was quietly shaking his head as he tried to find my tiny heartbeat beyond yours. I saw you sobbing inconsolably and, for a moment, I longed to have you hold me in your aching arms.

Your swollen belly was now empty and I could see the weariness overwhelming your heart. I looked into your weeping eyes and wished that you could see me, too. Just once.

You walked out of the office feeling so alone. Driving through town you saw dozens of little babies just like me filling the arms of sweet ladies just like you. As you sadly came through the door to your "Home, Sweet Home," it somehow seemed so bitter. You painstakingly touched the door to what would have been "my room" and gently stepped inside. The toys and clothes and wallpaper suddenly became a gray blur as once again your eyes welled up with tears.

Tenderly caressing what would have been "my blanket" against your dampened cheek, you begged Jesus to bring me back. I wanted to reach down and brush the little drops off your face, but the Lord took care of that for you. He lost His Child, too...remember? Just to save you and me.

As friends and family continued to ask when I was going to be born, you hung your head low and despairingly walked away with the words, "Not this time."

Some said, "Your child was sick or maimed and wouldn't have lived anyway."

Others said, "Cheer up! You can always get pregnant again!"

Still others said, all too frankly for your wounded heart, "Just get over it."

Mommy, I know these words hurt you deeply, but listen to the truth! Jesus cares and wants you to bring EVERYTHING to Him in prayer! Jesus PROMISES to take care of me while I wait for you! Jesus will bring you to spend ETERNITY with me someday soon!

Mommy, I love you and I miss you, too. But always remember the hope that can only be found in the Savior. ALL things will be beautiful in His time. Never give up hope. And never give up on your dreams!

Love for Eternity,

Your Baby

- Joylynn Charity Miller, lilboogie@saber.net
Joylynn is a very insightful and talented 14-year-old woman with compassion and understanding beyond her years or personal experience. After watching many of the woman in her church grieve the deaths of their preborn babies, Joylynn's heart has turned to the ministry of writing.

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Christmas Discouragement

- Reprinted from the Fall/Winter 1996 issue of "Hannah to Hannah." -

Father, today I feel discouraged. Christmas is approaching and I
Feel like retreating and letting it pass by without harming me.
I wish Christmas didn't mean family, for without a family I feel alone.
No excitement on Christmas morning as children tear into their presents.
No toys scattered under the tree; unwrapped toys that Santa left.
No squeals of joy as a child discovers that Santa heard his wishes.
We're spending it with a family with one child and another on the way.
I feel that they truly are a family, and I feel jealous that they are blessed.
My "child" is getting a rawhide bone and a bright orange squeaky baseball.
I love him - but at this time of year he seems completely inadequate.
I see parents out pushing carts that are filled to the top with exciting toys
And I remember last year, and the years before when I thought...next year it'll be me.
Every year I remember a blessed little soul who was inside me for a few weeks and I wonder
What it would be like if he were here to celebrate Christmas with us.
He'd be over two years old now so he'd be excited by the Christmas tree
Surrounded by bright colored packages that he would rip into on Christmas morn.
So, for Christmas Father, I ask for healing for a broken heart and body.
That next year I might celebrate the birth of your son with a birth of my own.

- Jane Simeone, 12/95

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"Now"

- Reprinted from the Fall 1997 issue of "Hannah to Hannah." -

My eyes long to see you
Now you behold Him

My arms ache for you
Now you know perfect love

My ears yearn for your voice
Now you sing His praises

I desire to feed you
Now you will never hunger

I anticipated the pitter-patter of your feet
Now you play at His pierced ones

I dreamed of years of love and laughter
Now you will never know pain

I longed to watch you grow and develop
Now you are perfect

This isn't how I planned
But I know He loves you
and me

- Monique Stam

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Bitterness

- Reprinted from "Jenni's Journal" in the Spring 1997 issue of "Hannah to Hannah." -

A topic that has been on my heart much over the past few months has been the subject of bitterness. Bitterness in our infertility. Bitterness because of the death of a child. Bitterness as a reaction to pain. I have a great desire to eventually write a book on the life of Hannah and how her struggle is applicable today to couples facing infertility or loss. As I have been collecting my thoughts and starting to take notes for this project, I have been especially struck by First Samuel 1:10 that states, "In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord." In verses 15 and 16 Hannah states, "I am a woman who is deeply troubled… I was pouring out my soul to the Lord… I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief" (NIV).

That Hannah "wept much" seems such an inadequate description for the torrent of tears that have been such a part of my life through infertility and miscarriage. The book of Hebrews describes bitterness as a "root" that grows and defiles us, even causing us to miss the grace of God! When I was at my most angry and bitter stage, I felt totally neglected and abandoned by God. I was sure that if my pain was significant to Him, He would be giving me the child I ached to nurture and hold to my breast.

God knew how much I was hurting. I figured that if He really loved me, then He would not deny this natural desire that He had created within me in the first place. How could I trust a God who would play such a cruel game: Create me with an incredibly strong drive to reproduce, then not enable me to accomplish that task? My response was to put up a wall between God and myself. The result was broken fellowship and forfeiture of living within the comfort of realizing His grace.

Jeremiah knew what bitterness of the soul was. "I remember my affliction and my wanderings, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me" Lamentations 3:19-20(NIV). The phrase "bitterness and gall" has a certain ring to it. What is gall anyway? It is a nasty greenish-yellow fluid that is secreted by the liver and stored in the gallbladder to aid in the digestion of food. It is a very bitter, acidic substance. Do you remember the horrible, burning, bitter taste in your mouth after you have vomited? That is something like gall. To hear Jeremiah describe bitterness of the soul as being equal to gall begins to paint a clearer picture of what the pain of fertility challenges can be like when we allow bitterness to begin to take root in our hearts.

Motherhood has been my life-long goal and desire. While I realize it may not be "politically correct" to aspire to be a wife and mother these days, this is my dream! While I am incredibly blessed to be able to be a wife married to a wonderful husband, the closest I have ever come to fulfilling the motherhood part is the short time I had a precious little life within my womb; a time that ended much too quickly in blood and cramps and tears.

When I was in my deepest black hole of anger at God, I contemplated the "worthlessness" of my own life and I began to wonder if suicide was an option. I felt so useless in my inability to bring a new life into this world. Rachel knew this feeling of utter despair. She demanded of her husband, Jacob, "Give me children or I'll die!" He answered her in anger saying that God was the one she needed to be talking to. I have to wonder if Jacob was not angry with God as well, but just taking it out on Rachel?

Naomi surely knew bitterness of soul. She lost her husband and both sons in a foreign country. When she returned home with only one faithful daughter-in-law, Ruth, Naomi's soul was so wounded that as her friends called her "Naomi," a name that means "pleasant," she replied with "Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but the LORD has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The LORD has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me" Ruth 1:20-21 (NIV).

Literally translated, the Hebrew word "mara" is "bitter". The idea behind this word is marrow, or the core substance or something, thus Naomi's bitterness had penetrated through the very depths of her being. This is very similar to the word used to describe the kind of bitterness that Hannah faced as she went before God after years of pain and longing for a child. Hannah's bitterness was represented by a word that also indicates great heaviness, disconnection, and chafing.

That intense kind of bitterness was deeply rooted within my own heart for a long time. I felt incredible grief penetrate throughout my being. It left me feeling raw, chafing, weighed down and disconnected from God, my husband, my friends, and even myself. I didn't intend to let that root of bitterness grow within my spirit, but like a garden that is not weeded, a soul that is not continually refreshed and challenged by the Word of God and the work of the Holy Spirit becomes fertile ground for bitterness to grow and spread until it devours the heart in ugly scars of hurt and self-pity.

For a long time, I did not even realize bitterness had taken root in my soul. Once I discovered that bitterness, it had taken root so strongly that I was not sure I wanted to give it up. I nursed my anger at God for several months, growing more miserable with each passing day.

I slowly slipped away from God. The more hurt I felt, the more I blamed God for my pain. I neglected my relationship with Him. It was a low point in my spiritual life; an irrational anger with God. All of the pain, disappointment, frustration, waiting, faith, hope, prayer, begging, pleading, doctor's visits and medication seemed worthless and God seemed very far away.

One of the keys to overcoming bitterness and anger with God is to be honest with Him in your pain. There were times I felt like I was beating my head against a wall. I would keep going to God but it felt like I was praying to empty heavens. I guess I always was sure that God existed, but I really wondered if He was hearing my prayers. The lesson that God taught me was to keep turning to Him, rather than running from Him, even when I was bitter and angry.

God is a big God. He is big enough to handle your anger. He understands the bitterness of the loss of a child. Jesus Himself said, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death" Mark 14:34 (NIV) as He looked toward the cross and his own separation from His Father. God certainly understands when our hearts are broken and our souls are bitter! Tell Him that you are hurting. He already knows your pain and is waiting for you to let Him share it.

I do have one word of caution as you ask God to help you overcome the stumbling blocks of bitterness and anger in your spiritual walk. Do not become discouraged when you go to God and are not immediately "all better" from your anger, bitterness, and pain. Remember that it has been a long process that has brought you to this point. God may choose to immediately lift your burden and free you from all traces of bitterness, but often God takes time to gradually free His children from the ugly grasp of bitterness and the snarled fingers of anger. The pruning might seem even more painful than letting the bitterness remain rooted, but God is a Master Gardener and desires to help you bloom into the beautiful person He created you to be.

You may not feel God's presence at the moment, but He is there. He has been with you through every part of your pain and He longs to forgive you for your anger, to soothe away your bitterness, and to comfort you as you would long to comfort your own child for whom you grieve. We are free to weep with Hannah in our pain, but we must remember to do that bitter weeping before the Lord and to continually seek Him in prayer lest bitterness take root and prevent us from experiencing God's grace.

I cannot tell you some magic formula for getting through this pain and heartache. It is not easy. It is hard to face a bitter soul and deal with the issues. Give yourself some time to grieve. Keep trying to pray, even if your only prayers are yelled at God in total anger and disillusionment. He knows how much you are hurting, so be honest with Him about how abandoned you feel. But please keep taking your pain to God. He cannot help you if you run away.

© Jennifer Saake, 1997

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