Hannah To Hannah
May 2001 All rights reserved. Copyright ©2001. Issue #16
Providing "Christian Support for Fertility Challenges" including infertility or the loss of a child at any time from conception through early infancy.
A monthly publication of Hannah's Prayer Ministries.
Are You a Mother? (infertility, never been pregnant) – by Dail J. Mizerski
Jenni's Journal: The Future of Hannah's Prayer Ministries – by Hannah’s Prayer founder, Jennifer Saake
The Infertile Patient's Prayer (poem)
Grieving the Child I Never Knew - Book Review (pregnancy loss and infant death)
Hidden Unforgiveness – by Hannah’s Prayer Honorary Board Member, Kathe Wunnenberg
Dear Child (Never to Be) (infertility poem)
Dear Master (infertility poem)
My Mother's Day Boquet (infertility, miscarriage, adoption, secondary infertility) – Jennifer Saake
Newsletter Submission & Reprint Information
By Dail J. Mizerski
Reprinted by permission of the author and Ferre Institute: http://www.ferre.org
It was Mother’s Day a few years ago. We planned our day carefully. We would not stay home and watch children and grandchildren pour into our neighbors’ houses with presents and flowers. We would call our mothers, who lived out of town, first thing in the morning and again wish them a happy day (we had mailed them cards and letters earlier in the week). We would feed Amos, our German Shepherd, play with him awhile, then firm-up plans with his “doggie-sitter” as to his walk and mealtime.
As soon as we got into the car we looked for a church service on the radio. For the past few years we have avoided attending church on Mother’s Day. It is usually filled with unpleasant surprises: children pinning flowers to their mothers as they came in the door, or ministers expounding on motherhood. We found a service on the radio and sang the hymns and listened to the message.
We had a great time! It was a beautiful day and we were heading to one of our favorite vacation spots. Once there, we did some shopping, Rich found a boat show, and we wandered around town, relaxing. Rich and Amos usually bought me a present for Mother’s Day, so, when a white curly-haired bear looked out from a store window, he became mine. I buckled him into a seat belt and we rode around town just savoring the day. When we became hungry we “just happened” to be near our favorite restaurant so we decided to splurge and have dinner. We wanted to prolong our special day.
There we were, in one of our favorite places, enjoying the view, anticipating the food we were about to order, when I was asked a question that completely floored me. The waitress walked over to take our order, smiled, and said, “Are you a mother?”
In two seconds my mind raced: “Am I a mother? I don’t know? Not really, but sort of. I feel like a mother! Does that count?” I answered, “Yes!” Then, immediately, I felt guilty.
I’ve never had a positive pregnancy test, or given birth, and we don’t have any children living in our house. But, I watched our dog being born. And I adopted him, cleaned up his messes, spent hours training him, and loving him, teaching him to get along with the neighbors, playing with him, and praying for him when he ate seven pounds of chicken bones from the church supper. And we have made promises to two different families that we will become legal guardians to their children if tragedy should ever strike the parents.
Oh dear, what have I done? Rich was thinking I said, “Yes!” because I thought I’d get something free. Did that mean he thought I wasn’t a mother? Why then does he tell Amos to “Get Mama’s slippers?”
Meanwhile, the pretty, smiling waitress said, “The management is buying the entrée for all the mothers here today. So, what would you like?”
I said, “The ribs, please,” and wondered if God would make me choke on them and then someone would have to do abdominal thrusts on me right there in the middle of my favorite restaurant. And if I died, no one would think to put in my obituary: “Mother of Max and Andy (predeceased); mother of Amos; part-time potential mother and legal guardian of Amy, Drew and Abby; mother of the Infertility Support Group…” It would only say, “Beloved wife of Richard,” and they’d know in the restaurant that I wasn’t a Real-American-Apple-Pie-Mother, and they’d bill me for the $9.95 and say I’d died because I lied!
So when dinner came we enjoyed it, but I kept thinking of that question. And I thought of it for days after too. I pondered the thought of what would have happened if I had been asked that questions years ago when I was raw with the ache of infertility. Then I thought of how I had been billed, “The consumer Advocate for the Infertile Person” at some workshops I had done. Had that title been betrayed because I hadn’t marched up to the manager and said, “This is such a nice thing for you to buy dinners for the mothers in your restaurant, but have you ever thought of how it makes non-mothers, those who have suffered miscarriage, or people who can’t have babies, feel?” But that didn’t feel right either. I didn’t want to criticize the generosity of their gesture.
Then I thought of all the infertile women who are, in this age of divorce, raising their husbands’ children. Their official title is the rather (thanks to Cinderella) unflattering term: Stepmother. With “mother” in their title, would they qualify for a free dinner? Would their nurturing overpower their infertility so that they could confidently answer “Yes” to the big question?
My brain seemed to become more and more muddled. I was thinking up the questions quicker than the answers. I was trying to analyze my feelings for myself and at the same time wonder how other infertile women would have dealt with the situation. I asked myself: “Was I stuck in a denial stage that refused to even let me consider saying, ‘No, I am not a mother’?” Was I just denying years of infertility pain by declaring yes in the restaurant? I still felt like a mother. Didn’t nurturing count almost as much as birthing?
Then the thought struck. How could I know if I was a mother by definition unless I knew what a mother is? So, I turned to my old friend and constant companion when I’m writing: Webster. And here’s what he had to say:
Mother: 1) A woman who has borne a child, 2) The female parent of a plant or animal, 3) That which gives birth to something, is the origin or source of something, or nurtures in the manner of a mother, 4) A woman having the responsibility and authority of a mother.
Was I finally getting somewhere? According to Webster I was a mother because of my nurturing, responsibility, and authority. That’s why I felt like a mother. That’s why I blurted out yes in the restaurant!
The day after Mother’s Day I opened a card from Amy. The card had pink and blue flowers and the cover read, “To my Other Mother.” I could hardly read the inside through my tears. I had my answer. Am I a Mother? Well, sort of…Well…yes, I am a Mother
Copyright © May 2001, Jennifer Saake, Founder of Hannah’s Prayer Ministries
I am excited to see the plans God has in store for my “baby” of Hannah’s Prayer as I step down from the Directorship and watch the “new Mommy,” Stephanie Bixler, take over this parenting task. Our Board meeting is in just over a week now, and it has been like the anticipation of labor as Julie (Ladies In Waiting founder), Stephanie and myself email and telephone on nearly a daily basis to share more ideas and thoughts in preparation for the official merger date. God is helping us all to dream big and we are going to need a lot of patience to let our desires for Hannah’s Prayer unfold in His perfect timing. With joy and pride I feel like a mother at graduation time sending my child out into the world on his own two feet – it is hard to let go, yet I love my baby enough that I couldn’t dream of holding him back from God’s greater plan!We hadn’t specifically planned the date of this year’s board meeting to fall so close to Mother’s Day, and yet it seems incredibly appropriate that it will. Mother’s Day has held a very tender spot in my heart for many years; sometimes joyfully-tender, others painfully-tender. It was out of an excruciatingly painfully-tender Mother’s Day in 1994 that Hannah’s Prayer was born as a ministry. Seven years, multiple infertility issues, seven children not brought home after failed adoption attempts, three children added to Heaven through miscarriage, and one precious miracle 16-month-old blessing sleeping in the next room later, this Mother’s Day holds many mixed emotions for me.
I vividly remember the pain of Mother’s Days in pursuit of a child when none was to be found. In an instant I can relive the bittersweet Mother’s Days after our first adoption losses and Noel’s miscarriage when my heart cried out, “But I am a mother now, my babies just don’t live here!” I remember the happy/fearful Mother’s Day two years ago when I knew I was carrying another precious life within my body, yet afraid that he too might be gone before I could share his life outside my womb. I rejoice in the glow of last May when our son, healthy and alive, was dedicated to the Lord before our church family. I look to this Mother’s Day with a heart overflowing with thankfulness for Joshua, yet the glow of last year dimmed under the weight of new grief: within the past four months we have miscarried two more children, the most recent loss still physically in process as I write this letter. It seems that “secondary infertility” has become a reality in our lives and that adding another child to our family may be no easier than the first time around.
Since Mother’s Day survival has been the topic of several past newsletters, I will not belabor the points here. I would rather encourage you to visit the Mother’s Day/Father’s Day section of our web site at http://www.hannah.org/resources/holiday.htm#ParentDays and to view past newsletter issues 4, 11 and 14 found at http://www.hannah.org/ministries/h2h.htm. I realize that you will come across several broken links and some outdated information on these pages. I apologize ahead of time for problems you may have navigating our site. I am looking forward to turning over many Hannah’s Prayer responsibilities with this merger, thus being able to focus on getting out web site back in shape!
In
closing, I would like to share a passage from my personal journal, written as
a result of that painfully-tender Mother’s Day in 1994:
“Lord, help me to know
that You are enough. Take my eyes
off myself; take my eyes off this child I desire. Help me to truly delight myself in You. Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will.
I don’t want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your
humble, obedient child. I don’t
want ‘wanting to have a baby’ to be a stumbling block between You and me
anymore. Lord, I want to give up
this desire, this drive, this ache to You. Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place
in Your hands. Help me to be
truly content with Your will and Your time.
“Lord, you know that I still desire a baby: someone to mold, teach, shape and guide to grow in You. But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me. Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path. Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts and the child who will share our home. Thank You for lifting my burden this day. Help me to keep You first. Let me seek Your face daily and let me know that You are enough!
“One of the greatest
lessons I think God is trying to teach me in my infertility is something so
basic, so real, that I can almost quote His words to me when I once again turn
my heartache over to Him. Just at
the critical point in my struggle, just before the breaking point where I
finally had to let go, I could almost hear Him say:
“‘My
child, you cannot treat me according to the blessings I shower upon you or
withhold from you. I am Worthy of
your praise and glory!’ Those
vital thoughts struck me to the very core of my soul. My selfishness and pride had gone much too far! What right had I to be angry with such a great God? He has already showered me with more blessings than I can name. I am sure that I will still have emotional and even spiritual battles
as I travel down this childless road, but if I can only keep my eyes on Him,
the path will be much easier to trod.”
The Infertility Patient's Prayer
Author Unknown
To keep my cool when another period starts.
To keep my chin up when a co-worker announces her pregnancy.
To have a good relationship with my friend in spite of her ability to conceive easily and not be jealous of her.
To endure my sister in law's comments about toilet training.
To keep from crying when I see children begging on the roads.
To forgive my doctor when he keeps me waiting for 2 hours for a consultation, and then can't remember my name.
To make the right decision about treatment.
To maintain a good relationship with my husband in spite of all this.
Grieving the Child I Never Knew
Taken
from Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg
Copyright © 2001 by Kathe Wunnenberg. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House.
anonymous
contribution from a member of Hannah's Prayer
Copyright © May 2001, Jennifer Saake, Founder of Hannah’s Prayer Ministries
If I were given a
Mother’s Day bouquet this year, it would contain a strange mix of flowers.
There would be eleven there, just one short of a full dozen. My
flowers would be surrounded by a full cloud of Baby's Breath, the hopes and
dreams of all those months and years I longed to be pregnant (and often
convinced myself that this was "the month") only to be disappointed
time and time again.
Three would be climbing
roses; the vines would be in my hands, but the blooms missing.
These would represent the children I have held in my womb yet whose
lives now blossom only in Heaven. I
will forever be their mother and rejoice in their existence even as my heart
grieves their passing and longs to meet them in eternity.
Five would be Forget-Me-Nots,
my children who were “almost” mine but never came home.
I have given each of these a little piece of my heart and will hold
them in my prayers as long as I live. Unlike
our miscarried babies, these children would be represented by still-attached
blossoms because, to the best of my knowledge, they each thrive here on earth,
living with their birthparents or other adoptive families rather than in our
home.
Two more Forget-Me-Nots
would be stems only, not because these babies have died but because we
invested our hearts in an adoption scam and the twins we were learning to love
never existed!
And in the midst of my
bouquet, one exquisite rose would be fully blooming, cheering my heart, its
healing aroma delighting my senses, its glory overshadowing the pain
represented by the other ten. This
rose still holds a healthy root system and I pray that we will have many years
of joy as we tend and grow this bush in our garden; my precious living gift of
a child snuggled to my breast.
Will my bouquet ever be
complete, a full dozen or more? I
grew up longing for eight children. While
my husband and I were dating we compromise for, “at least four.”
Will any more flowers be planted in our garden before all is said and
done? How many more will be added
to my bouquet, and what kind of flowers will they be, representing what kinds
of joy or pain? Only God holds
these answers, and for now I cling to the truth that His plans are for my good
and His glory.
What does your bouquet
hold? Perhaps you sit with an
empty vase, a broken vase at that, feeling no hope that there will ever be a
single flower of any kind. Maybe
you too have flowers but yours are the kinds representing parenthood towards
your stepchildren, successful adoption, guardianship of another’s child,
foster parenthood, a stillborn baby, or a baby who shared your life for a few
days or even months after birth only to journey ahead to Heaven without you.
While we may all be seeking after the same goal of a healthy, happy,
whole family, the flowers we gather along with way will make unique
arrangements for each of us.
Perhaps you are dreading Sunday morning when your church may honor mothers with flowers and you will again sit quietly in tears as mothers around you display their beautiful bouquets while you are left with none. When these painful moments come, look to our Lord, Jesus Christ, for He is offering Himself to fill your emptiness. He is the Rose of Sharon, the Lilly of the Valley, the True Vine and the Master Gardener. God sees and knows our pain intimately. Our tears are precious to Him, so precious that He saves them. These tears are the water for our bouquets that we may bloom into the beautiful women God desires for us to be.
Newsletter Submission and Reprint Information
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Hannah's Prayer is a California based, non-profit 501(c)(3)
organization, established Jan 1, 1995. All staff members are unpaid volunteers who are proclaiming
Christians (from a range of denominational backgrounds) and have personal
experience with the heartache of fertility challenges. 
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