This was our first attempt at an online newsletter. Please forgive the poor readability. For current issues, please visit www.hannah.org/ministries/h2h.htm.

Spring '96 HANNAH TO HANNAH Volume # 4
a quarterly publication of HANNAH'S PRAYER: Christian Support for the Fertility Challenged
All rights reserved. Copyright 1996 )
PO Box 5016, Auburn, CA 95604-5016
E-Mail: <hannahs@hannah.org>

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs and don't forget to thank Him for His answers. If you do this you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7 (TLB)

Mother's Day and Hannah's Prayer
With this forth issue of Hannah to Hannah, we approach another Mother's day, along with the second anniversary of the conception of Hannah's Prayer. For our new readers, I would like to briefly overview how H. P. came into existence. Mother's Day weekend, 1994, was one of the lowest points in my life! After years of feminine and other chronic heath problems, and 1 1/2 years of infertility, including a few "possible" miscarriages, I (Jenni Saake) was ANGRY with God.

Mother's Day was like rubbing salt in a raw, oozing sore; everyone celebrating motherhood -- the one thing I most wanted and was least able to attain. It was a strange day. We went to church and suffered through the service, then Rick took me out to a fancy restaurant for lunch trying to lift my depression. When that didn't work, he decided to try a sure cure, a shopping spree, but even that didn't help. When we got home, I unpacked the rocking horse fabric I had been saving to make baby things and sewed it into kitchen curtains. It was a very long, long day!!! The three days to follow were even longer.

Monday morning Rick went to work. I stayed in bed and cried all day. I read. I tried to pray. I yelled at God.

Tuesday morning Rick went to work. I stormed around the house ranting and raving and shaking my fist at God. I felt as if I were praying to silent heavens. I had know Jesus Christ as my personal Savior since I was four years old, yet I felt deserted, neglected, and abandoned by my God.

Wednesday morning Rick went to work. I was emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically exhausted. I felt in desperate need of HELP, but didn't know where to turn for understanding. I had been pleading with God for a child for so long that my desperate cries had become urgent demands. I could tell that I was on the verge of a complete nervous breakdown. Finally at the end of my rope, God got my attention and turned my bitter, angry accusations into heart-rending pleas for God to heal my spiritual pain and to take over the reigns of my life again:

"LORD, help me to know that You are enough. Take my eyes off myself; take my eyes off this child I desire. Help me to truly delight myself in You. Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will. I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child. I don't want "wanting to have a baby" to be a stumbling block between You and me anymore. LORD, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You. Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the urdens I place in Your hands. Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your time."

The two years since that May have not been paved with roses. We are still childless and have suffered at least one miscarriage (maybe more), health insurance challenges, discouraging fertility test results, and a myriad of other problems in our personal lives. BUT, God has been FAITHFUL! Amidst the trials and confusion, He continues to supply a "peace that passes all human understanding!" This is not to say that we have perfected living in constant trust, for we have not. It does mean that when the tears and frustrations come, as the OFTEN do, God is there! We need only reach out to Him for strength to live another day.

In answer to my prayer for the LORD to change the desires of my heart to be in line with HIS will (what a contrast from demanding that His will fulfill MY desires!), God has blessed us with Hannah's Prayer. In the process of reaching out to you, we have been comforted and encouraged far above any help I found in the months leading up to my crisis point two years ago!!! Thanksgiving weekend of 1994, we were able to begin building a Christian support network for couples experiencing infertility, pregnancy loss, and early infant loss. Our first chapter held its first meeting on January 17, 1995 with six people. Our first newsletter was published in July of '95 with a readership of 25. We are still a young ministry and are learning as we go.

Surviving "Parent's Days": 101

Mother's Day, Father's Day, and all the other special days from April to July (Easter, Memorial Day, graduations, the Forth of July) can cause so much pain. The Parent's Days of May and June serve to remind us of another year of emptiness gone by; emptiness of the womb, of the cradle, of the heart! The other days are child-oriented as well, with Easter bonnets, school holidays, landmark events, picnics, and fireworks. Parent's Days alone may cause enough trauma to make couples want to ell out "May Day! May Day!" (another May holiday) and feel as if we are indeed "going down with the ship" in utter distress. It is easy to let ourselves become depressed and focused on who we are (grieving or unfulfilled parents), or on what we do not have (our children), but there are some strategies to make these highly overrated days more tolerable:

1. FOCUS ON YOUR PARENTS. If your parents are still living, try to focus the Parent's Days celebrations on them. Ask God to help you be thankful for what you have in your parents rather than dwelling on what you do not have in a child. If you do not have a good relationship with your parents, pray for God to use this year as a time of forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration so that healing may begin. If your parents have died, ask God to send a "spiritual mother or father" to you as a friend and mentor in the things of God, then do something in special honor of them.

2. BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF. What can you really handle? Will attending church on Parent's Days bring you closer to God, or add another brick to your wall of hurt, bitterness, anger, self-pity, sorrow, or pain? If you feel you need to be in church, by all means go! If you feel that attending a services that might focus on the virtues of parenthood could damage your spiritual walk, ask God to show you an alternate way to spend your Parent's Days that will draw you closer to
Him rather than pushing you farther away. I know some couples who need the comfort of a church service the most on painful days such as Parent's Days. On the other hand, Rick and I "boycotted" Mother's and Father's Days last year and took those days to do special things together as a couple. For me, sitting in church on those days is too emotionally painful and spiritually damaging. (The same is true of baby showers for me. In three hours at a baby shower, I can temporally damage all the healing and peace God has established over the months and years of infertility.) It is not worth the health of my relationship with God to intentionally expose myself to the temptations of bitterness and self-pity.

3. PLAN AHEAD!!! The surest way to let a holiday destroy you is to not be prepared. Do you have extended family or friends that you will be sharing these days with? Will you encounter pregnant women, new babies, nieces, nephews, cousins or other children that you may or may not be eager or prepared to see. (Yes, it is natural to love a child deeply, and yet be hurt by being around them.) Take time to think about the circumstances of these days and do your best to mentally prepare yourself for whatever may come. You cannot know exactly what will happen, who you will encounter, what will be said, or how you will react to every circumstance, but by taking the time to plan ahead, and praying for God's comfort, wisdom, peace, and strength to help you on these special days (and every day), you will be able to relax and enjoy (or at least better survive) whatever these celebrations hold for you. Leave yourself an "out" -- a reason or way to leave early or to take a few moments by yourselves away from the crowd. The less "trapped" you fell, the better.

4. TREAT YOURSELF. Plan something special that does not focus on kids. Go away together for a night. Have a romantic picnic. Re-institute an old tradition from your courtship, when you were totally enthralled only with one another and the stresses of infertility or the grief of loosing a baby were the farthest things from your mind. If you can't get in the spirit of celebration, keep it low-key, but do something, anything, that is a treat, and make your marriage the priority for just one day without bringing the "baby issue" to the forefront. Our cats are our kids. Every Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthday, or other girt-giving occasion, our furry children present "Mama" and "Daddy" with some little gift.

5. DON'T LET OTHERS RUIN YOUR DAY. Well-meaning friends or family often say the wrong things. You may hear a lot about when you are going to "start your family" (aren't husband and wife a "family"?), or how to get pregnant (vacation, relax, adopt, sexual technique, and so forth). Remember that usually your loved ones are only curious or truly trying to help. It can be painful and frustrating, but try to take the questions and advice in the spirit they were intended. If the situation allows you to politely explain why their words are hurtful, take some of these opportunities to educate your loved ones.

6. LET YOURSELF GRIEVE. Whether you have conceived a child or not, you do have a valid reason to grieve! God understands your grief! Jesus was "...a Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief... Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows..." Isaiah 53:3-4 (NKJV)
Before I had experienced miscarriage, I almost envied couples who had miscarried; not that I wanted to share their pain, but for the fact that they had at least experienced a pregnancy, however brief, and that they had the knowledge of a child awaiting them in Heaven. I felt guilty for feeling that way, realizing that I would never wish to achieve a pregnancy only to have my baby die, but I envied them their grief, for at least they seemed to have a valid reason to grieve in their loss. Let me assure you that INFERTILITY is a valid reason for grief -- allow yourself the tears without guilt! Grieve the death of your plans, hopes, dreams, and the death of your innocent acceptance that a baby "just happens"! Every cycle that passes without achieving pregnancy is another "death" that must be faced. Rather than feeling that you are not parents, it may help to think of yourselves as "unfulfilled parents," "waiting parents," or "parents-at-heart." Now, on the other side of things, I must admit that there is a measure of joy and comfort for me in the knowledge that our Noel awaits us in Heaven. It is a comfort to know that I am a mother and no one will ever be able to take that title away from me now. Let me also tell you that I didn't have any idea how painful miscarriage could be. Even if no one else acknowledges your pain, you have a right to grieve! You have a right to name your child, to talk about your baby, and to memorialize your baby in some way. Do not let your dead child become an idol, but let yourself express your grief. Ask God to help you find a healthy way to commemorate the gift of the child He granted you for such a short time (only 17 days for us). I find great comfort in keeping a journal about my thoughts of Noel and my journey through infertility. Others have held memorial services for their children (even years after the fact). We also would be happy to print a memorial, like this one, for your baby here in Hannah to Hannah .

IN LOVING MEMORY OF - IN JOYFUL CELEBRATION OF:
Grace or Grason Emlet - Corrie Anna Emlet
miscarried October 11, 1993 - born December 16, 1995
Your name was chosen in Named after Corrie Ten Boom and
reminder of God's grace. Anna, the prophetess, Luke 2:36-38
-Bill and Yvonne Emlet have been dealing with infertility for about 10 years.-

A failed adoption attempt deserves a time of morning as well. Even among the infertility circles, those who loose a child by way of an unsuccessful adoption attempt seem to get left out. Watching dear friends go through a failed adoption this past week, after great emotionally investment and thinking they would be holding their baby by the Parent's Days, I realize even more fully that loosing a child in a serious adoption attempt is as devastating as loosing a child to death. What make it even harder, in a sense, is the inability to memorialize the child who is not dead, but goes on to live with his birth-mother or another family.

7. GIVE IT TO GOD (AGAIN). This is the most important advice I can give, and the hardest to follow. Daily (often by the hour or minute) I must recommit my desire for a child to God. The hurt is too BIG for me to deal with alone; praise God that He is a BIG GOD!!! I realize now that all those times I thought I was committing the "baby issue" to God before Mother's Day '94, I was bringing my heart-ache to Him, but I was never fully relinquishing my right to my pain. I wanted to still have some control. I was afraid to fully trust God lest He keep me from ever being a mother. It was only in letting go of my "right" of motherhood, that my Heavenly Father could show me that He knew what it was like to be childless when His only Son died for my sake! God does more to bring children into His family than we ever will in ours!

"In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord...My soul refused to be comforted...I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed." Psalm 77:2-3

Thank you to all of our readers who sent suggestions for holiday survival. Most of your ideas were covered in the seven points of "Surviving Parent's Days: 101". If I left out any important points, please send them again. As most of the suggestions were repeated by several readers, I have not credited any specific authors, but you were all so helpful! Thank you, again! Other ideas include:

~ send a card of encouragement to an infertile friend
~ sponsor a needy child from another country
~ do things with other childless couples
~ volunteer at a retirement home
~ get a pet

Helpful resources:

Volume #5 of Hannah to Hannah (Summer '96 issue) will be published near the end of July or the beginning of August. October is "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month," so we plan to focus on these issues. Please send your stories, baby memorials, most encouraging Scripture references, article ideas, and suggestions to us by July 15 (the sooner, the better). If you have given us permission to print any part of your story in the past, and it has not yet appeared in this letter, please send us a reminder -- we don't want to forget you!

Dearest Leslie, Janet, and Lynn (Stepping Stones co-editors). Thank you for your prayers and encouragement in the establishment of Hannah's Prayer! It is with mixed emotions that we receive the news of your retirement this summer. We realize that you have each devoted 15 years of your lives to encourage those of us facing fertility challenges, even as you have faced similar struggles in your own lives. Well done good and faithful servants of our LORD Jesus Christ! Your great reward is measured in the lives of those you have touched. While we understand your needs to move on to the next steps of life, your ministry will be greatly missed! We lovingly welcome the Stepping Stones readers to Hannah's Prayer and this publication, Hannah to Hannah !

Bereaved Parents Share, a Christian newsletter of comfort for parents who have lost a child of any age, has featured us in their Mother's Day issue of BPS II (their special pregnancy / infant loss letter). Thank you, Carol Ruth Blackman, for taking the heart-ache of Samuel's stillbirth and comforting others. BPS / BPS II readers, welcome! For information about BPS, write to: BPS, c/o Carol Ruth Blackman, 27936 S. Schiewe Drive, Colton, OR 97017-9609

Readers' Writings

We started trying to have children two years after our wedding in 1988, and have never conceived that we know of. I suspect that I may have miscarried a few times due to very late periods followed by extremely heavy flows and cramping, but I don't know for sure if those were pregnancies. Not knowing for sure has helped us in the grieving process. We are diagnosed with unexplained infertility.
After being hospitalized following a laparoscopy in February '93, we both decided that infertility treatments are not for us. The week before the surgery, the Lord put in my path an article about baby girls in China who needed to be adopted. Steve and I knew it was from the Lord and pursued it. To make a long story short, China closed its doors to adoption just as we were getting ready to go. While we were waiting for China to reopen, a friend from our infertility group was contacted by someone in her church wanting to know if she knew of anyone wanting a baby. A 17-year old girl living with a Christian family was carrying a baby she had decided to relinquish. She wanted a Christian family to raise the half-Chinese baby girl she was carrying. This was six weeks before she was due. They said they chose us because we wanted a Chinese baby. It was then that we realized the reason for our desire to go to China was because God knew this situation would be coming up.
Two and a half year-old David (ultrasounds are not always accurate), is a happy, outgoing, delightful child -- the joy of our lives! Has adoption taken away the grief of infertility? I must say "no." But now I do not wish for a "child of my own;" I have a "child of my own." We believe that David is the child God intends us to have, even if he had to circumvent my closed womb. When I get sad over infertility now, the sadness is just that I did not have the chance to carry and deliver this most precious child.
We are thankful for the way our marriage has grown and deepened, and for the way each of us has individually deepened and grown in our relationship with the Lord during our years of infertility. Our plans for children early in our marriage would not have allowed for that growth to take place before the demands of children were upon us. God does know best.
Cheryl Leonhardt, Colorado

Debra Bridwell is the author of The Ache for a Child, an excellent and encouraging resource offering Christian insights into infertility and pregnancy loss. Debbie has also written articles for magazines and other infertility publications such as RESOLVE. Her speaking engagements have included an interview for the FamilyLife Today radio program. The WE CARE support group (for Christian women dealing with infertility, miscarriage, and stillbirth) of Cupertino, California was established with Debbie's help as well. The Bridwells finally were blessed with their son, Justin (now age 8), after six years of infertility; they subsequently miscarried Aaron (or Erin). Secondary infertility continues to be a daily reality as they strive to adopt or to conceive another child.

Hannah's Prayer is actively recruiting qualified Board members. Our only current Board member is Rev. Ralph Camp. Ralph is an ordained minister and has served as a missionary with Cadence Int. (previously OCSC - Overseas Christian Servicemen Centers ) for the past 24 years. The Camps experienced a miscarriage in 1971 during a time of secondary infertility. They have also walked through the valley of infertility and miscarriage with daughter and son-in-law, Rick and Jennifer Saake.

God continues to teach me new lessons! As I think back over the past three months since my last Jenni's Journal, I am not sure even where to start. Just after sending out the last issue of Hannah to Hannah (where I rejoiced in finally having good fertility insurance coverage for the first time), my HMO announced that they were cutting infertility benefits to 50%. I realize that many of you reading this would be thrilled to have ANY coverage, but it was a devastating blow for us, putting us "on hold" with medical treatments, for financial reasons, once again.

I was partially mistaken in the information I passed along regarding my uterine condition in the last issue. I had said that I had a "septate uterus that could also be called a partial didelphys or a bicornuate uterus". While these conditions have many similarities regarding conception and pregnancy, there are some key differences. A "septum" is a membrane wall dividing the uterus and may usually be surgically removed successfully. A true "didelphys" is when two entirely separate uteri, cervixes, and vaginas are present; thus a "partial didelphys" occurs when some of the internal feminine organs are doubled, but not all.

I do have a partial didelphys. While only having one vagina and (we think) only one cervix (I may have a second, miniaturized cervix behind the first one, the doctor couldn't tell for sure), my uterus actually splits into two separate horns. Technically, I do not have two uteri, because they are connected at a normal base, but for all practical purposes, they are individual. The reason this has caused problems and that I am at an extremely high risk of miscarriage and pre-term delivery is because each horn less than half the size of a normal uterus. Because the entire uterine structure is drastically affected, my condition is not surgically correctable without risking major complications!

We praise the Lord for all the new contacts for this ministry. I am overjoyed at the prospect of working with Leslie Snodgrass and Debbie Bridwell. I can't wait to see what God will do next and who else will join our leadership team here at H. P. I have been moved to tears by stories you, our readers and members, have shared. The other chapter hosts and I have been encouraged by the personal letters, cards and Scriptures that some of you have sent. We have also been excited to see God's provision of children in some of your lives. I have been learning to "surf the internet" (scary since I just started using the computer regularly last month!) and am eager to see how God uses this tool to expand our outreach as well! I have been blessed in the professional relationships I have begun establishing in the fields of Christian infertility and pregnancy/infant loss support. I highly encourage you to contact some of the other ministries and resources sighted in this letter. When you do, please remember these ministries in your prayers! If you are able to help these ministries financially, I know that would be a blessing to them as well. While the leaders of these ministries do know that they will be mentioned in this letter, they do not know, nor have they asked, that I mention their financial needs. As a donation only, faith ministry ourselves, we know that their needs are great. If you are not able, or do not feel led to support any of these ministries financially, I know they would still greatly desire to minister to you, so I encourage you not to let finances stand in your way of contacting any ministry (Hannah's Prayer included)!

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Hannah's Prayer Ministries
www.hannah.org
PO Box 168
Hanford, California 93232-0168
USA

E-Mail: Hannahs@Hannah.org

Voice Mail / Fax: (775)852-9202

Hannah's Prayer is a California based, non-profit 501(c)(3) organization, established Jan 1, 1995. All staff members are unpaid volunteers who are proclaiming Christians (from a range of denominational backgrounds) and have personal experience with the heartache of fertility challenges.  This ministry and website are made possible by your tax deductible contributions.

This web site was established in April, 1996.  For website related issues, please contact the Hannah's Prayer website administrator, Jill Sherbrooke.  The Hannah's Prayer logo was designed exclusively for Hannah's Prayer by Rick Saake.  Hannah's Prayer pages are Copyrighted. © 1996-2004, Hannah's Prayer Ministries. All rights reserved.