Hannah To Hannah

Father, I know that I am supposed to give thanks today. There are many things I have for which to be thankful. I want to thank you for my loving and devoted spouse who knows that sometimes the best thing to do is to hold me and say nothing. You have given me a wonderful family who is trying really hard to help me through this difficult time. This time around I have in-laws that comfort me. You have blessed me with two beautiful step-children. Sometimes it is very hard to be a step-mother but I am trying hard to act the way you would want me to. You have also given me a great job working with people that are understanding and supportive and who always acknowledge my hard work. Lord, for these things I am thankful.

But today, I am also sad. Today is a holiday for families. My family is not complete. I do not have my child. Today I long to hold in my arms my baby. I want to celebrate a first Thanksgiving and Christmas. I want to know the joy and sorrow of parenthood. Lord, some say that it is not your will for me to have a child. If I believe that, I have to believe that it is your will for unwanted babies to be aborted every year. I have to believe that you want children to be born with AIDS, addicted to heroin, abandoned to die and abused. Lord, I cannot believe that those things are your will. I wonder if these people have a direct line to you that I do not have.

So, once again, I pray the Serenity Prayer to you. Please give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change. With that strength, I also pray for the peace that passes all understanding. Please give me the courage to change the things that I can. If there is something I can do, show me the way, Lord, show me the way. But most of all, grant me your wisdom to know the difference. Please don't let me continue to fight a battle that cannot be won. I pray that you will help me to live child-free. Fill my heart so that the longing is no longer there. Comfort me when I can no longer bear the anguish that this loss causes me.

Father, forgive me my feelings of jealousy I get when I see another with their child. Forgive me my feelings of envy when I see a beautiful pregnant woman. Forgive me my feelings of self-doubt and failing. Forgive me for pulling away from you when I need you the most. I want to understand why I have been chosen to walk this path. This is a path that no woman should ever walk. Lord, you heard Sarah's prayer and gave her hope. I pray that you hear the prayer of all the infertile couples in the world. I pray for the safe, healthy pregnancy of my friends. I pray for your comforting arms to wrap around those who have lost a child this year.

Father, thank you once again for all that you have given me. I know that I am blessed beyond imagination. With your help, I can find peace. Amen.

Return to Table of Contents

"Now…"

My eyes long to see you
Now you behold Him

My arms ache for you
Now you know perfect love

My ears yearn for your voice
Now you sing His praises

I desire to feed you
Now you will never hunger

I anticipated the pitter-patter of your feet
Now you play at His pierced ones

I dreamed of years of love and laughter
Now you will never know pain

I longed to watch you grow and develop
Now you are perfect

This isn't how I planned
But I know He loves you
and me

By Monique Stam, in memory of Norman and Cynthia Zimmerman's grandson.

Return to Table of Contents

Let's Get Together!

Hannah's Prayer is planning a "bring your own picnic" get-together for anyone near Northern California on Saturday, October 18. We will meet at Woodbridge Park in Roseville (Sacramento area) from 11AM - 3PM. Hannah's Prayer will provide drinks and a few snacks, but you will need to bring your own sandwich or pick up fast food on the way for your main course.

If you think you might be able to join us, please RSVP as soon as possible so that we may have an idea of how many couples to expect for this function. When you tell us that you are interested in this event, we will give you any updated information and directions to the park. You may either contact us via email at hannahs@hannah.org or leave a message at (916)444-4253.

We request that families who have been blessed with any living children not bring these children to this function and also request that visibly pregnant women not attend this event out of consideration for the pain of those who have been unable to conceive or whose babies have recently died.

Return to Table of Contents

The Sacrifice of Thanksgiving

"We bring the sacrifice of praise into the house of the Lord. And we offer up to You the sacrifices of thanksgiving…"

How often do we take the time to truly think about the words we sing in church each Sunday? What are sacrifices of thanksgiving and praise? "Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise - the fruit of lips that confess his name. And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased" (Hebrews 13:15-16).

We see "sacrifice" used throughout the Old Testament. God said that without the shedding of blood there could be no removal of sin, so animal sacrifice was ordained from the day sin entered the world through Adam, and was to continue until the day that God the Father experienced the grief of watching His own Son Jesus, the "Second Adam," die in our places to clean our guilt and make a way for us to be adopted into His Heavenly family.

"I will praise God's name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving. This will please the LORD more than an ox, more than a bull with its horns and hoofs" (Ps 69:30-31). Webster's dictionary includes several definitions of "sacrifice," many along the lines of bloodshed on an altar, but here are some alternate definitions that I think are more applicable to the idea of offering sacrifices of praise and thanksgiving. "An act of offering to a deity something precious" or the "surrender of something for the sake of something else."

We are introduced to Hannah in the context of her family's journey to the temple to offer a yearly sacrifice (1 Samuel 1:3). Hannah was abiding by the law of the land in making the blood sacrifice demanded of her, but her heart was willing to sacrifice more. "In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord. And she made a vow saying, 'O Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life…'"(1 Sam. 1:10-11).

That was some sacrifice! No, Hannah didn't offer false thanksgiving by denying her pain or trying to pretend to God that everything was fine, but in the same breath that she asked Him to grant her heart's desire, she turned around and promised that the child would belong to God for his entire life. What an act of reverence for the God who created her and held the power to breath life into her empty womb! We see that from this point on, even before God allowed her to conceive, Hannah worshipped the Lord (1 Sam. 1:19). The change from a bitter soul to an attitude of praise, was the willingness to sacrifice her will to God. The words of Jonah reflect what Hannah probably felt, "But I, with a song of thanksgiving, will sacrifice to you. What I have vowed I will make good. Salvation comes from the LORD" (Jonah 2: 9).

Let's take a look at another family in the Bible - the first family that ever existed. Adam and Eve's first two sons were named Cain and Able. Because sin had already entered the world before these sons were born, they grew up under the sacrificial system and worshipped the Lord from the time they were tiny. Cain and Able both knew God's rules by heart. God was worthy of their obedience, respect, and honor, if for no other reason that simply because He is God! "For great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; he is to be feared above all gods" (1 Chronicles 16:25).

The problem came as they grew up and started their own careers. Able raised sheep while Cain pursued farming - both professions were honorable. These men knew that God required a blood atonement in repentance for sin. While Able could readily offer the sacrifices God required by giving from his own flock, Cain had to exchange his produce to buy lambs for each sacrifice. (Kind of gives new meaning to the figure of speech, "You can't squeeze blood out of a turnip!")

At some point Cain tired of the system God set up. I don't know if he just didn't like the hassle of selling crops and buying sheep each day, or if his pride got in the way and he decided that since Able could offer the product he produced in shepherding, that he should be able to offer the work of his own hands as well. Whatever the reason, Cain decided to bring a sacrifice of his produce rather than offer a blood sacrifice to the Lord (Genesis 4:1-5). When his offering displeased the Lord, Cain pouted. God gave him a second chance to make his attitude and actions right, saying, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it" (Gen. 4:6-7).

Unlike Hannah's story of obedience and willingness to sacrificially offer her one true desire to the Lord, Cain's story took a tragic turn when he hardened his heart in rebellion. In the end, Cain murdered Able out of jealousy, and Eve, the world's first mother, lost two sons in one day - one to death, and one to banishment by the Lord. God's displeasure with Cain had nothing to do with a preference of meat over fruit. It had everything to do with Cain's heart attitude and unwillingness to submit to God's perfect plan. When Hannah did have a son, Samuel put it well: "Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams" (1 Sam 15:22).

I'm afraid I often tend to be much more like Cain than Hannah. I don't like to bend when God calls me to something outside my comfort zone. While we live in an age of grace and are no longer bound by the Old Testament code of blood sacrifice, God still desires my heart to be soft to him and offer praise and thanksgiving even when it hurts - no, especially when it hurts - for this is where the sacrifice begins! "O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise" (Ps 51:15-17).

We are instructed, in view of God's mercy, to offer our "bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God" and this is seen as an act of worship. How can we do this? "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will" (Romans 12:1-2). Even when we allow God to renew us, at times it is still hard to understand his perfect will for us in light of fertility challenges. "To do what is right and just is more acceptable to the LORD than sacrifice" (Proverb 21:3). God also told Cain that he must "Do what is right," but how can I know what is right for me in infertility or in Noel's death?

I have often felt, especially in the earlier days of our struggle, that the withholding of children was a sign that, like Cain, God was not looking on us with favor. I have struggled with anger towards God, and my face has definitely been downcast! I cannot go exchange my fruit for flock to make an acceptable burnt offering, so what can I do? I have finally realized that doing what is right in infertility is simply allowing God to make the rules! He is asking me to make a change in the sacrifice I am willing to bring, and it is up to me if I will trade my bitterness for praise as Hannah did, or if I will use my pain to feed a jealous rage like Cain.

I want to offer myself to God as a great parent, to raise the children He gives us, and train them to follow after Him. My desire is a good one. There is nothing wrong with this desire, just as there was nothing wrong with Cain choosing to farm the land. In fact, my desire is God-given! But perhaps one thing I have in common with Cain is pride. After all, God had apparently always showered Cain with blessings in the past, as He has me, so it is easy to expect Him to continue His blessings on my terms, without waiting to see what His will or His master plan will be. "I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river…" (Isaiah 48:17b-18a).

For Cain it would have been as simple as letting go of his pride and continuing to buy his sheep from his brother, as an act of obedience to God. For me it is letting God teach me to surrender my plans to His will. He knows that I still desire to raise a family, and I fully believe that some day, somehow, He will give me my heart's desire. But I am learning to exchange the sacrifice I want to give for the one He asks me to offer, in obedience to His perfect will for my life.

He does not want just my parenting skills, but He wants all of me! "To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices"(Mark 12:33). I am learning, slowly, but learning none the less, that to give my whole self - body, mind, heart, spirit, soul, wants, dreams, desires, goals - over to Him, is the only acceptable sacrifice in His sight. "For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgment of God rather than burnt offerings" (Hosea 6:6).

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" (Phil 4:6-7). When we pray in an attitude of true thanksgiving, being honest with God about our pain, yet making the effort to sacrifice our attitudes to Him, we are rewarded with a peace that defies earthly reason. "I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone - kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. This is good, and pleases God our Savior, who wants all men to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth" (1 Tim 2:1-4).

-- Jennifer Saake

"Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed." (Ps 103:2-6)

Reasons for Thanksgiving:

God responds to our pain - "For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help" (Psalm 22: 24).
He puts an end to our pain - "Sing to the LORD, you saints of his; praise his holy name. For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning" (Ps 30:4-5).
He helps us - "Praise be to the LORD, for he has heard my cry for mercy. The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song." (Ps 28:6-7)
He carries the load - "Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens" (Ps 68:19).
He is our comforter - "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God" (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).
He is faithful - "Know that the LORD is God. It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations" (Ps 100:3-5).
It is within His character to bless those without hope - "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD" (Psalm 113:9).

Return to Table of Contents

Pen Pal Connection

"My husband and I have been unable to achieve a pregnancy after three years of 'trying'. We opted not to take conventional treatments for infertility, but instead have put our faith in God for a 'miracle'. So far our prayers have gone unanswered. I would like to correspond with another woman who has also made this choice with her husband and who has never been pregnant." Denise Hunter, 2 East Hill Drive, Hendersonville, NC 28792

Kathryn has lived through six miscarriages followed by the death of Noah Jeremiah who was born with severe brain damage and lived 30 days in the NICU. "I would like to talk to anyone whose child died either at birth, or after 1-2 months, especially those who never went home from the hospital. It has been nearly six years since we lost Noah and I would like to correspond with someone who can relate. I have two children from a previous marriage and an adopted child with FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome). I would enjoy talking to anyone who has had a child with FAS or FAE (Fetal Alcohol Effect)." Kathryn Shank, PO Box 721, Quincy, IL 62301 Email: icmgardn@rnet.com

Kerri Larkin would like to offer pen-pal support for anyone dealing with miscarriages. Kerri lost children to miscarriage in 1983 and 1986. She also lost her daughter to stillbirth in 1990 at seven months because the baby's skull would not allow her brain to grow. The Larkins have two living children; her three year old was born prematurely (between the seventh and eighth month) due to problems with Kerri's blood pressure. Kerri Larkin, PO Box 4274, Auburn, CA 95604. (916)889-2348.

If you would like a pen-pal request listed in a future newsletter, please send us your names, address, and brief story. Because we also have a separate "Email Pals" program, you must specify that you would like your announcement printed in the newsletter if you would like your personal contact information made available here (including our email, web site, and postal versions of this newsletter) rather than on the email pals web site.

Return to Table of Contents

On the Lighter Side

"A merry heart does good, like medicine…"

Proverbs 17: 22 (NKJV)

In the infertility journey, many of us have had to learn a lot about medicine - pills, injections, intrusive medical testing of all kinds - but it is easy to loose the ability to laugh. We hope this "advertisement" will put a little smile on your face as well as help us all remember that the medical staff we work with are only human too.

"WANTED: Physician. Must work seven days a week while enjoying a strong marriage and family life. Will attend conferences for professional development, but is always in the office; never takes vacations but cultivates many outside interests and international perspectives so as to be well-rounded and interesting. Must be old enough to have decades of medical experience, yet young enough to be in touch with next year's technology. Must have an outstanding staff, which is voluntarily underpaid, making it possible to offer the most up-to-date service at minimal cost. Will schedule appointments for unlimited amounts of time with each patient to whom he or she devotes undivided attention. Must never require anyone to wait. Will return phone calls within five minutes while adhering to a full surgical schedule to keep skills sharp. Must work long hours, yet intelligently discuss the plot of last night's sitcoms to put patients at ease. Must have the humility to say, "I don't know," or "I need help," but will never need to say either. Will instantly be able to assess whether a patient needs a strong dose of hope or caution. Must never say the wrong thing. Is a genius, yet sociable, sensitive, and witty. Must have a reputation for demonstrating a wonderful bedside manner. Is always in a good mood, and can handle with ease and pleasure any number of patients lacking any or all of these qualities."

Return to Table of Contents

"To the ones only God knows"

The world knows us as a family of three

God knows the two we cannot see

The two we never held in our arms

Never basked in their beauty

Never delighted in their charms

God knows them by name

In His plan they've a part

We can't hold them in our hands

But we do in our heart

De Becker -- after her second ectopic pregnancy

Return to Table of Contents

New Hannah's Prayer Chapters!!!

We are thrilled to announce the launch of two new Hannah's Prayer chapters! We pray that these care/support ministries will bless hurting hearts in their local areas. We are still a small ministry, just beginning to branch out of our founding chapters in California, but we pray that God will soon raise up chapter leaders around the world.

Parow, South Africa Chapter, (Our first international chapter!)
contact: Laetitia and Kobus Knoetze
PO Box 21310
Parow, RSA
7499
Home phone: [+27] (021)913-4984
Work: [+27] (021)930-5970
Fax: [+27] (021)930-5988
Email: knoetze@ilink.nis.za
Kobus and Laetitia were married in December of 1988 and had planned to have four children by the year 2000. They decided to start their family in 1991, but, as the years passed without a pregnancy, they discovered that Kobus had a very poor sperm count. They have been through a number of ART procedures and Laetitia states, "We are still childless, but not hopeless." (Hannah's Prayer Chapter #SAfrica-005)

Texas, Houston Area Chapter,
contact: Catherine and Vincent Darsey
850 Overbluff Street
Channelview, TX 77530
Home phone: (281)452-6573
Catherine at work: (713)460-4100
Email (care of Catherine's father who is a pastor): M_Thrash@msn.com
The Darseys have lost two sons to miscarriage (5/90 & 9/96, both at 10 weeks) in their 7 ½ year struggle with infertility. Catherine does not ovulate regularly and has had some problems with Endometriosis and polyps. They have undergone several kinds of fertility treatments, medications, and procedures and, as yet, have no living children. "I'm still praying to God for a child and take comfort in Hannah's story." (Hannah's Prayer Chapter #TX-006)

The "Bay Area" chapter (#CA-002) currently meeting in Benicia, California is looking for new leadership. The current chapter hosts, Michael and JoAnne Nootbaar are making a business move this fall and will be joining the leadership team of the Grass Valley / Nevada City chapter (#CA-001). It is the Nootbaars desire, along with that of the Hannah's Prayer Board of Directors, that such a move does not cause this small chapter to disband. If you live anywhere in the San Francisco Bay area and are interested in the possibility of applying to host this chapter, please let us know!

Return to Table of Contents

Resources

Hannah's Prayer is not directly related to, nor has any financial interest in the following resource products, services, or organizations. We prayerfully list them to help you find other resources that may be of blessing or encouragement to you.

As of August 1, the Stepping Stones Christian infertility newsletter became part of the ministry of Bethany Christian Services. Please note their new address at Stepping Stones, c/o Bethany Christian Services, 901 Eastern Ave. NE, PO Box 294, Grand Rapids, MI 49501-0294 Chapter Hosts, please make this change in the resource section of your handbook!

DIAMONDS: Encouragement for Parents/Caregivers of Special Needs Children. A Christian, quarterly, home produced publication. A $10 annual fee to help covers costs is requested, not required. Monique Stam 469 N. 9th St. Oskaloosa, IA 52577 e-mail stams@kdsi.net

Miscarriage: A Man's Book by Rick Wheat helps men deal with the issues of miscarriage in a comfortable fashion, illustrating the issues and phases of grief in relatable experiences such as football analogies. Because this book is so small (24 pages) husbands that might not otherwise be willing to read anything else about pregnancy loss are likely to be willing to use this little gem. Comfort Us, Lord - Our Baby Died by Norman Hagley is a wonderful little 16-page book of prayers for families who have lost babies in pregnancy or after birth. Comforting thoughts for many situations faced in such a loss. Both booklets are available from the Centering Corporation. For current ordering information involving either of these wonderful booklets, please contact Centering Corporation, 1531 N. Saddle Creek Rd., Omaha, NE 68104 or call 402-553-1200.

"Circle of Compassion" is the fourth National Perinatal Bereavement Conference sponsored by SHARE Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support, Inc. This year's conference is in St. Louis, Missouri, October 10-12. SHARE welcomes both bereaved parents and professionals to this conference that will culminate in a "Walk to Remember" to the Gateway Arch and memorial service on Sunday the 12th. For details, registration information and fees, please contact The National SHARE office, 300 Capitol Drive, St. Charles, MO 63301.

Debbi Dickinson, who has experienced four miscarriages (12/80 - 9/95) and has no living children, is a Certified Pastoral Bereavement Consultant, author, and speaker. Her works have appeared in over 150 publications and has an impressive résumé of credentials and achievements in grief ministry. Debbi is available to present programs on death/ dying/ bereavement issues and stress management/ humor to the bereaved and their family, friends, clergy, hospital staff, social workers, and other bereavement professionals. For information, scheduling or fees, contact Debbi Dickinson, PO Box 6621, Naperville, IL 60567-6621 or email debncurt@flash.net.

Free Email: "I use a free e-mail service called Juno. The program and service are free. It does not come with Internet access, or the ability to send files, but it is great for communication. We don't want internet access, so it works great. They will send the program free to anyone who requests it. You can contact them at support@juno.comto request a copy for a friend. I thought this would be helpful for fellow HP readers who have modems but not internet access. Maybe you could share the information in the newsletter. They generally have local numbers to call and use the service so you don't have to run up a phone bill." -- Julie, Kansas

One Day was written by Susan Kaminski and Mark and Diana Blum after the premature stillbirth of Susan's daughter. It is "dedicated to the memory of Lindsey. Her life lives on, bringing hope and healing to the lives of many." Below are the words to this song, followed by a portion of the letter from Susan to her baby that inspired them to put these feelings to music. One Day was chosen as 1st-runner up in the Gospel Music Association's Northwest Regional Song Competition of 1997. This song is recorded by Diana Blum on the Messenger album, © 1996 by Spirit in Blum, email spiritblum@oregoncoast.com. To order Messenger, send $13 CD / $10 cassette to: Diana Blum, 10130 Hughey Lane, Tillamook, OR 97141 .

Return to Table of Contents

"One Day"
(Ordering information in the resource section above.)

My frame was not hidden from you when I was make in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

(Psalm 139:15-16, read in the voice of a child)

tiny hands tiny feet
my arms would never hold you
our eyes would never meet
empty arms my aching heart
longs for the day we'll no longer be apart and

(chorus)
one day where angels learn to fly
and one day where heaven meets the sky
I will hold you and sing you that lullaby
one day where heaven meets the sky

little one please hear me pray
your life never mine to keep
nor mine to take away
early flight Lord help me see
into the Father's arms for all eternity
(repeat chorus)

when heaven's doors are open wide
our hearts shall be reconciled
all will be restored forever
(repeat chorus)

Dear Little One,
It was the morning of your routine 24-week ultrasound. Somewhere deep inside me I feared all was not well with you. I tried to pray as I went about my morning chores but found myself unable to concentrate except to pleas: "Lord, please let me baby be healthy." Before I went out the door I sat down with my Bible and asked the Lord for a verse to encourage me. I opened to Psalms and He took me right to Psalm 139: 13 and 14: "For you created my innermost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well." Feeling encouraged, I left for our appointment.

The minute our doctor turned on the ultrasound machine and saw the screen I could see the answer on her face and hear it in her voice as she softly said, "I'm so sorry." Your heartbeat was no more and the picture on the screen was not one of a normal, healthy baby. Your daddy and I sat, staring at each other after the doctor left the room. Tears brimming in our eyes and rolling down our cheeks, our hearts ached over the loss of you and we wondered how we would ever tell your sister that you were gone.

Fifteen hours later I gave birth to you, little one. It was not an easy labor. I knew that there was no reward waiting for me in the end to ease the pain of your delivery. I knew that I would never hold you in my arms. That our eyes would never meet. When I saw you, I felt sad for you and pity for you. How could things have gone so wrong? My friend weighed and measured you. You weighed 1 lb. 6 oz. And were 9 inches long. Kerlyn said you had a cute nose and she was right, you did. I saw you only briefly and then you were gone.

I came home from the hospital late that morning feeling such emptiness. Relieved that it was all behind me. Over. Done. You were gone. I passed by my refrigerator and saw your seven-week ultrasound picture. You were only the size of a pinto bean, I thought to myself as I took it down. It doesn't matter anymore, I thought. I laid it on the counter and walked away. Later that afternoon I picked up your picture and carelessly threw it away. Two evening later as I was crawling into my bed, a huge sense of loss and compassion for you swept over me. I remembered the only picture I had of you and was struck with panic that it was gone. I went to the garbage and started searching through the bag. I found your picture at the very bottom, folded over and perfectly preserved.

As I carried it back into our home, I felt compelled to re-read Psalm 139, the passage the Lord gave me before your ultrasound. I read through new eyes and a new understanding of the verses which I believe are about you, my little one. These words could have been your words to our Father in heaven: "My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." (vs.15-16) Yes, my little one, His eyes did see your tiny, unformed, imperfect body. And the days that you lived were written in His book before you were ever conceived. He saw you and He knew. In His infinite love, wisdom and mercy, He took you at just the right time and just the right moment.

I believe that He did this to spare you, my little one, and to spare us, your parents, any more pain or grief than He knew we could handle. You see, that is one of His promises to His children. And as much as I wanted you and as much as I loved you, I Know that you are well now. I know that your little body is completely restored and perfect and the little girls in heaven are singing you lullabies while Grandmother Sallie and Grandma Robert take turns rocking you.

All of My Love,

Mama

Return to Table of Contents

Sorrows & "Samuels"

Baby Memorials and Celebration Announcements

"I prayed for this child [Samuel], and the Lord granted me what I asked of Him."

I Samuel 1:27

In Loving Memory of:

Hope Baker, daughter of Todd and Kelly. "Our fifth precious angel, who joined her siblings on April 18, 1997, only 10 ½ weeks after being created." The Bakers other children were lost January 1995, July 1996, October, 1996, and January 1997.

Mark and Susan Broomell's daughter, Claire Ellen, stillborn on April 14, 1997 at 39 weeks. Claire's death is attributed to a rare blood clot in the umbilical cord. Her conception and loss come after Mentrodin/IUIs and a long battle with extensive Endometriosis. A donation has been made to Hannah's Prayer "in memory of our sweet angel."

Baby Boys Darsey, both lost to miscarriage at 10 weeks. Vincent and Catherine's first child was taken to Heaven May 11, 1990. His brother joined him on September 16, 1996. They continue to pray for a child to share their home on this earth, even as their first sons fill their hearts with expectation for their reunion in our Heavenly Home.

Mixed Blessings:

This year has been full of mixed blessings and pain for some of our families who have found themselves facing the joy of multiple births followed by the grief of the deaths of one or more of these children. It is with full hearts that we have welcomed these children into the world and soon had to say good-bye to several of them.

Mario and Jane Simeone proudly announce the births of their new arrivals, born June 21, 1997 at 25 weeks gestation. Amber Raquel passed into the Loving Arms of Jesus, June 24. Cheyenne Barbara followed her sister to Heaven on July 6. As of the printing of this newsletter (early August), Mario Victor continues his fight for life in the NICU -- The doctors are hopeful and your prayers on his behalf are greatly appreciated. The Simeones have also faced one confirmed miscarriage and one suspected miscarriage in the past six years of infertility.

Gracey and her husband gave birth to the precious threesome of Andrew Zachariah, Riley Josiah, and Gracie Hannah on June 14, 1997 at 29 weeks. On June 16 they said good-bye to Andrew whom the Lord took Home. "I am truly grateful to God for the beautiful babies He gave us, but for so many months we believed He was blessing us with three miracles and now we are left with only two. Andrew was a special, wonderful, unique individual whom we deeply loved. There is an enormous emptiness in our family that will never ever be replaced."

On April 9, 1997, at 23 weeks of pregnancy, Tina gave birth to four beautiful daughters. Aubrey Marie died in her mother's arms on April 14 after severe brain bleeding. As of this writing, Jorian Lea, Kendra Dawn, and Mackenzie Kay continue in the NICU but have faced the possibility of death several times. Please keep this family in your prayers.

David and Rachel Browne announce the birth of their treasured triplets born April 3, 1997 at 24 weeks. Precious Kaeli Marie lived only a few minutes after birth before she went to God. Duncan Chapman died on May 5, 1997 after a valiant struggle and joined Kaeli in the watch over their brother. Colin McLain has faced numerous surgeries and remains in the NICU but is no longer critical and we pray that he will be home with his parents before or soon after this newsletter goes out. The Brownes ask for your prayers on Colin's behalf as he may struggle with aftereffects of his premature birth for several years. David and Rachel had a previous miscarriage and went through three years of infertility. They feel very blessed to have shared their lives with Duncan and Kaeli for a short time and to have feisty little Colin still with them.

In Joyful Celebration of:

Joy Laurel Oliver, born June 28, 1997. After several years of infertility, Joy is John and Paula's fifth child - the first three in Heaven due to miscarriages, and big brother Nicholas joining the family last year through the gift of adoption.

Olivia Louise, born March 11, 1997 to Allison Harris and her husband. Olivia arrived after two painful miscarriages and four years of infertility heartbreak. "I love her so much and she has been worth every tear."

If you would like your baby listed in a future newsletter, please send us your loss, adoption, or birth announcement including names (of baby, parents, etc.), dates, any previous struggle with infertility or loss, and any other brief information you would like us to consider including. If you would like to make a memorial or celebration donation to Hannah's Prayer in your child's name, we will be happy to note that in your announcement. You must specify that you would like your announcement printed in the newsletter or we may unintentionally overlook your precious baby's information.

Return to Table of Contents

"My Ache"

not sure when it began
but seems to becoming more intense

not sure if I can describe it in words
but my heart feels its presence

not sure how to cope with it
but writing and praying does help

not sure what each day or month holds
but i will become bitter or better

not sure why i feel so empty but it is the ache for my child

Tonya Walls, September 1996

Return to Table of Contents

"He knoweth the way that I take."

In February of 1979, when my daughter was 11 months old, I found out I was going to have a baby in September. I was ecstatic! From the moment I had given birth to Kate I was ready to have another baby. In early May my doctor discovered that I was carrying twins – in late May, due to complications, he sent me to bed for the duration of my pregnancy. It was a difficult time, especially with an 11-month-old to care for. Fortunately, Kate's father and I had wonderful help from family and friends.

On June 23rd I was admitted to the hospital for hemorrhaging, and on June 24th my doctor informed me that it was time to go to labor and delivery - 3 months early, and he added, "You are more than likely going to deliver two dead babies." I'm sure he didn't say it quite that bluntly; however, that is all I remember hearing. Understandably, that was one of the darkest moments of my life. After enduring the agony of this birth experience, we were joyfully blessed with the sound of two distinctly different cries. The first came from Scott Philip (2 pounds, 3 ounces), and within minutes we heard the cry of Eric Christopher (1 pound, 10 ounces).

I was not a Christian at the time, but I know now that the Lord was truly my strength. Not only did I spend hours on end in the neonatal ward, talking and singing lullabies to each of my sons, I stroked their tiny arms, hands and fingers ever so gently, hoping they would feel the love I had for them. I still recall the nurses sympathetically informing me that Scott and Eric were not developed enough to hear me or feel my touch. Undeterred, I continued my vigil.

On July 5th, when Eric was twelve days old, his tiny lungs gave out and he went to be with the Lord. Five days later, after the doctors had reassured us that we would take him home, Scott died from gastroenteritis. The only thing that made that devastating time bearable was remembering the doctor's words prior to their birth, "You are more than likely going to deliver two dead babies." Upon recalling those words, my twelve days with Eric and seventeen days with Scott felt like a very generous gift…one I will always treasure.

Friends of ours made a memorial donation to a monastery in Arkansas in Scott's and Eric's name. When we received the memorial acknowledgment, a handwritten note was on the inside. The note read, "We firmly believe that you now have two sons interceding for you in Heaven." To this day those words bring me comfort. Job 23:10 reads, "But He knoweth the way that I take: when He hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold" (KJV).

We know that our trials will be many. We also know there will be those that we won't understand. However, we are assured that we will receive the strength to endure whatever comes our way. Isaiah 40:31 reads, "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint" (KJV).

Just as you are looking forward to the day that you will see your loved ones again, I too am looking forward to being greeted by my sons when I walk through the Pearly Gates. Until then, we can come forth as gold together.

Reprinted by permission of the author, Chris Schweikart. First published in the June 1997 issue of Hearts for the Home News: A Newsletter for Focus on the Family Volunteers PO Box 100, Colorado Springs, CO 80901-0100.

Return to Table of Contents

October - Awareness Month

October is both "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month" and "Infertility Awareness Month." For information on how you may participate in awareness activities, help your local church or community understand about the needs of infertile or bereaved couples, or to learn more about the history or significance of these awareness month designations, please contact the following organizations:

Infertility Awareness Month -
RESOLVE, Inc.
1310 Broadway
Somerville, MA 02144-1731
Business office phone: 617-623-1156
Fax: 617-623-0252
http://www.resolve.org

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month -
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Center, Inc.
1421 E. Wayzata Blvd., #30
Wayzata, MN 55391
612-473-9372

Return to Table of Contents

Jenni's Journal

Thoughts from Hannah's Prayer Director, Jennifer Saake

As thoughts turn towards the Thanksgiving season, I am reminded again of how God brought Hannah's Prayer into existence. For it was the week before Thanksgiving, just three short years ago, that Rick agreed that we could start this ministry. Of course, at that time, we had no idea what God would do with it and we have been amazed to watch His hand at work. What started as a "small, local infertility support group" in Auburn, California has blossomed into an international support ministry. As of this writing, we have four US care/support chapters and one in South Africa, our combined email and postal newsletter subscription list reaches well over 1,000 couples, and our web site logged over 1,700 visit in the month of July alone! God is a BIG God!

As a personal update, I am thrilled to say that my insurance finally allowed me to have my long awaited laparoscopy in June. For this I definitely give thanks! As some of you may know, I was told in 1995 (via HSG diagnosis) that I had a bicornuate uterus when my doctor showed me the outline on the ultrasound screen of two distinct uterine horns. I was told that my miscarriage potential was high and that if I could ever carry a pregnancy to 13 weeks, I would have my cervix stitched shut, likely spending weeks or months on bed-rest and medication to prevent contractions, and even so, to expect a premature birth. I expressed my concerns to my new doctor before my lap, and my post surgical report shows that my uterus is now completely normal, both inside and out. Either the HSG results were badly shadowed two years ago or God has physically healed a serious condition within my body. Though I may never know what happened to made such an outcome, I praise the Great Healer for His touch!

The bad news is the confirmation of the Endometriosis I had suspected for years. They were able to care for much of my current growth during surgery, but I have been advised by my doctor to take the drug Depot-Lupron for six months, placing my body in "psudo-menopause" to shut down my natural hormone production while attempting to dry up more of this disease. I was on the verge of starting this treatment in July but Rick asked me to wait another cycle while we more thoroughly research this treatment. I am amazed to report that I have had both a natural period and even ovulated "on my own" one cycle (very rare for me with Polycystic Ovaries!) since then, so am grateful for Rick's wisdom in waiting. As I sit here typing in early August, I am currently in the "two week wait" and wondering if this is the month God will bless us with another child (not a replacement for Noel, but a sibling we may know on this earth) or if we will end up with another negative test bathed in tears. Lord, I know your plan is perfect, but how I long for a child!

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

(1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

In all circumstances, Lord??? Don't you mean everything but infertility; everything but my baby's death? How can I thank you for these horrible things that are so outside your perfect plan? How can this be? But wait - You don't ask me to give thanks for these things, but in these trials. Perhaps there is some aspect of each heartache that is your perfect will - some silver lining around each storm cloud of sorrow - that I can find to give you praise? Hmm…

Yes Lord, I still ache for a child, but I am truly thankful for the healing you have worked in my spirit over the past three years. I am thankful, too, for the joy of watching you change so many lives that you have touched through this ministry. I am thankful for our precious Noel, the tiny life who touched my womb for such a brief time, but changed our lives forever - thankful that she lived at all, and though I long to hold her in my arms (she would have celebrating her second birthday this fall, Lord), I am thankful that she never knew earthly pain or suffering. And Lord, I even thank you for these five years of infertility and longing, not that I have enjoyed the pain, but that you are molding me into a better person because of it. You have shown me more clearly than ever what a gift each child is, and if one day you do open my womb, I pray I will be a better parent for the lessons I have learned while waiting.

Return to Table of Contents

Newsletter Submission & Reprint Information

Submission Information and Deadlines

Hannah to Hannah is written by, for, and about "modern day Hannahs" - couples facing fertility challenges. You are welcome to submit original thoughts, stories, poems, Scripture passages, book reviews, pen-pal requests, baby memorials or celebration announcements, fertility-related humor or other articles to this newsletter. When sending your submission, please be sure to let us know that the information you are sending is intended for publication consideration or we may not realize that you would like us to think about printing your work. Due to space limitations, we are unable to include all submissions while some submissions may be edited or filed for future use. We are unable to acknowledge all submissions due to mail volume. All submissions become the property of Hannah's Prayer unless other copyright agreements are specified at the time of submission. We regret that we are unable to offer payment for your contributions, but appreciate your desire to share in the Lord's work of healing to hurting hearts through your writing efforts.

When submitting materials to Hannah's Prayer for newsletter publication consideration, please observe the following submission deadlines (this information is subject to change without notice):
Issue #10 / Winter, 1997 – submissions must be received by October 1, 1997 - topic will include "Christmas," "New Year," and other mixed topics
Issue #11 / Spring, 1998 - submit by January 1, 1998 - Men, we are specifically looking for "Father's Day" materials or anything from the male perspective for this issue!
We are also currently looking for poems and articles addressing all aspects of the infertility or bereavement journeys, but especially perspectives on infertility without ever having been pregnant, infertility and/or loss from a man's perspective, secondary infertility, "step-parent infertility" (one spouse has child from previous marriage, but no children together), "grandparent grief" (how your parents react to your struggles with infertility or the loss of a child), and holidays (especially dealing with the dates and holiday traditions of countries other than the USA). We are open to topics not included here, but the "standard topics" not listed here are abundant in our newsletter resource files at the moment.

Reprint Guidelines

For an individual or organization to reprint an article first published in the Hannah to Hannah newsletter, permission must be received in writing from both the Hannah to Hannah editor and the specific article's author. The reprint of any article from this newsletter must include a printed mention of when and where the article first appeared and the mailing address of Hannah's Prayer. Example:

"The Waterfall" by April Whiddon Matthews has been reprinted by permission and first appeared in the Spring, 1997 issue of Hannah to Hannah, the newsletter of Hannah's Prayer, PO Box 5016, Auburn, CA 95604-5016."

A copy of the publication in which the Hannah to Hannah article is reprinted is to be sent to Hannah's Prayer within one month of publication.

Subscriptions

Hannah to Hannah is a quarterly publication of Hannah's Prayer Ministries. Because we understand that fertility challenges may cause financial suffering in addition to spiritual, emotional, and physical pain, we are committed to not charging membership or subscription fees for our services. The gifts of those who are able to contribute to the ongoing needs of this ministry are our only regular source of income. These gifts are greatly appreciated and prayerfully used. This ministry has a "debt-free" policy and is only able to provide services as funds permit. Hannah's Prayer Ministries is a nonprofit 501(c)(3) corporation. Tax-deductible donations (US funds only, please) may be sent to Hannah's Prayer Ministries, PO Box 5016, Auburn, CA 95604-5016, USA.

Return to the Hannah to Hannah Newsletters page to read other back issues and find out more information about this publication.

Hannah's Prayer Cookbooks Now Available!

Return to the Hannah's Prayer Home Page.

Ministries About Hannah's Prayer Resources

Hannah's Prayer Ministries
www.hannah.org
PO Box 168
Hanford, California 93232-0168
USA

E-Mail: Hannahs@Hannah.org

Voice Mail / Fax: (775)852-9202

Hannah's Prayer is a California based, non-profit 501(c)(3) organization, established Jan 1, 1995. All staff members are unpaid volunteers who are proclaiming Christians (from a range of denominational backgrounds) and have personal experience with the heartache of fertility challenges. This ministry and website are made possible by your tax deductible contributions.

This web site was established in April, 1996. For website related issues, please contact the Hannah's Prayer website administrator, Jill Sherbrooke. The Hannah's Prayer logo was designed exclusively for Hannah's Prayer by Rick Saake. Hannah's Prayer pages are Copyrighted. � 1996-2004, Hannah's Prayer Ministries. All rights reserved.