Hannah To Hannah

April 2002 All rights reserved. Copyright ©2002. Issue #27

Providing "Christian Support for Fertility Challenges" including infertility or the loss of a child at any time from conception through early infancy.

A monthly publication of Hannah's Prayer Ministries. 

This month's topic: Church, Family and Friends

Table of Contents

Married Without Children: Four Ways Churches Can Incorporate Childless Women
Catherine Ward-Long, Editor of Anna’s Journal

"Why?" Pastor's poem on infant loss
by Jack Hyles

Web Site Tour
Helpful Pages on Hannah.org for Family, Friends and Church Leaders

Consider It All Joy
Jill Amack, Editor of Hannah to Hannah

Encouraging Words
a new monthly feature of hope

Upcoming Events 

2002 Hannah to Hannah Topics

Newsletter Submission & Reprint Information

Married Without Children

Four Ways Churches Can Incorporate Childless Women

While getting dressed for church, my husband comes out of the bedroom into the hall and asks if he looks okay. I don’t even have to shake my head. Just one looks tells him something is wrong. So I send him back to the bedroom to change his clothes. He gazes down at his suit, and asks, “Is my tie straight? What’s wrong with me?”

Married childless women often feel like they are being sent back when they attend church. They frequently ask, “Is there a place for me in my church? Can God use me like I am?”

Married childless women are important in our society. Because most of them work outside the home, they are given much credit for the jobs they perform. But are they significant to the church? Although there is no outright animosity between marrieds with kids and those without kids in church, an invisible barrier does exist.

For example, Brenda* explains, “ I find it more difficult to get to know other women simply because many relationships are built around children. I am not sought out for friendship as much probably because I’m not around the nursery, children’s church, or have playmates for other moms’ kids.”

Generally speaking, women are defined by whether they are married or if they have children. This attitude is at the heart of excluding married childless women. Overcoming this problem in a place of worship isn’t easy. It requires both patience and understanding from both marrieds with kids and marrieds without kids.

How can you help fulfill the special needs of childless couples in your church?

First of all, don’t assume that they are childless by choice. Most married childless women would really rather prefer to be mothers. Also, don’t pity those who chose to remain childless. They have their reasons for doing so. Some just don’t have the option to continue “trying” for children, whether it be through medical treatment or adoption.

Today married childless women have far more to deal with than women in the past. They have more choices to make. The decision between right and wrong has become blurred. Yet, as Barbara* explains, “Never are childless women mentioned in special prayers.”

Second, be sensitive to their needs. Subtle remarks and comments by other people in the church are often the worst. For example, “Do you want MY kids? You can HAVE them!” Obviously, these folks aren’t content with their lot in life and take out their anger on unsuspecting childless women.

Indifference hurts. It is experiences such as these that keep marrieds without kids away from the church. Grace* says, “What I mostly struggle with is insensitivity to the pain of those who desire something and find it isn’t in God’s plan, whether it be children or ministry.”

Third, make married childless couples feel like they are a family; just the two of them. The dictionary defines “family” as “father, mother, and their children.” But nowadays a family is defined as “anyone with children.” This definition includes nuclear families, single-parent families, “blended” families,” and empty nesters. The old-fashioned idea of what constitutes a family is rapidly changing as we know it. However, a husband and wife alone are not addressed as a family unit. Perhaps this is the only thing that hasn’t changed.

Fourth, find a place for them in your church. Then ask their opinions about what they would like to do. You will be amazed at their abilities and talents. Many people in the church are not allowed or don’t find a space to minister because they are mentally and/or physically impaired. Childlessness, though often compared with a physical disability, does deserve to be lumped in the same category. Not all childless women want to be involved in a ministry that relates to children. Sometimes it only reminds them of their grief and sense of deep loss.

Even those who escape childlessness remember what it was like. Anna* states, “My husband and I are no longer childless—our daughter was born last year after a miscarriage five years ago and three following years of infertility. But we cannot shake vivid memories of the heartache and isolation we experienced. We found support through close (fertile) friends who cared and tried so hard to understand. But the two churches (one large, one small) we attended in those five years were remarkably insensitive to infertile people. In many ways, church was the most painful place to be.”

“My husband is now sorting through a call to ordained ministry. If that call is real, we want to build a ministry that offers grace and healing, not silence and condemnation, to infertile people. And even if his call isn’t for real, we want to keep encouraging our church to truly care for the infertile people among us.”

And please don’t send them back to change their clothes so they can meet your approval. They are fine just like they are.

* Not her real name

© 1997 Catherine Ward-Long, reprinted with permission from Anna’s Journal, a newsletter for childless couples, P.O. Box 341, Ellijay, Georgia 30540, (706) 276-2307

Return to Table of Contents

"Why?"

I have sat beside a tiny crib, and watched a baby die,

as parents slowly turned toward me, to ask, "Oh, Pastor, why?" 

I have seen a gold-star mother weep, and hold a picture

nigh her lonely breast, and softly ask, "Why, Pastor, why, oh, why?" 

I have walked away from babyland, where stillborn babies lie.

A mother stretches empty arms, and asks me, "Pastor, why?" 

I've seen my mother stand beside two tiny graves and cry.

And though she'd never let me know, I knew she wondered, "Why?" 

I tiptoed to my Father's throne, so timid and so shy,

to say, "Dear God, some of Your own are wanting to know why." 

I heard Him so tenderly, "Their eyes I'll gladly dry,

though they must look through faith today tomorrow they'll know why. 

"If now they find the reasons that their hopes have gone awry,

in heaven, they will miss the joy of hearing Me tell why." 

And so I've found it pleases Him when I can testify,

"I'll trust my God to do what's best, and wait to find out why." 

by Jack Hyles,
ã 1994. Reprinted with permission from the book, God is Not Fair by Joel A. Freeman, Ph.D. 

Return to Table of Contents

Helpful Web Pages on Hannah.org

Have you been to the Web site lately? Hannah.org has a wealth of information, encouragement, and consolation for couples dealing with infertility and the people who love them. If you’re looking for a specific topic, try one of the following links: 

Want to help, but you’re not sure how? This Web page is loaded with great articles for church leaders, seminary students, pastor’s wives, and anyone else who wants to encourage church members who are struggling with infertility or pregnancy/infant loss.  http://www.hannah.org/resources/church.htm 

Do you have a friend or family member who is hurting from infertility or the death of a baby? Hannah’s Prayer provides tips on what to do and what not to do for grieving couples on this special Web page.  http://www.hannah.org/resources/friends.htm 

Hannah's Prayer provides nearly 40 interactive e-mail support groups including HP-Pastor for members of the clergy and their spouses to discuss the unique struggles and joys of life in the parsonage while facing fertility challenges.  Membership ranges from seminary students to senior pastors.  http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HP-Pastor/  

Return to Table of Contents

Hannah's Prayer is pleased to welcome Jill Amack as the new Editor of our Hannah to Hannah publication.  Having personal experience with infertility's heartache, Jill desires to bring Christ's comfort and encouragement to other grieving women.  While Jill is lovingly serving the Lord by donating her time and energy to us, she is a professional Editor by trade.  For more information about Amack Editing Services, you may visit Jill's web site at www.proof-it.com/amack.htm.

Consider It All Joy

© April 2002, Jill Amack, Editor of Hannah to Hannah 

“I can’t believe it. I’m six weeks pregnant. What am I going to do?”

The sun slipped away in the summer evening humidity as we watched our husbands play on the church softball team. It was Sarah’s first summer as a wife, but she had accompanied Robert to all of his games in their five-year courtship. She had married her high school sweetheart, and although she was young—only twenty—she had a strong and sweet faith in the Lord, and a maturity that was beyond her years. And now, after only six months of marriage, she was going to have a baby.

Her desperate eyes were looking at me, blue and sincere. I’m ashamed of what my first reaction was.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I thought. “I’ve been trying for two years to get pregnant and I’m six years older than she is. Now she wants advice from me. What am I supposed to say?”

In my heart, I knew I was wrong. As I listened to Sarah telling me her fears, I began to see things from her perspective. She was barely out of high school, and while her husband was twenty-three and had a good job, neither of them had been ready to start a family. She was concerned that she wasn’t prepared to be a mother. She was nervous to tell her parents. And she and Robert had decided to wait for a while to have children so they could focus on building their young marriage.

In between the runs and the outs, I asked the Lord to place a clamp over my mouth, and to give me some kind of response that would reflect His compassion and love, and not my own selfishness. She had come to me as a friend, an older woman, with something that was heavy on her heart. And in those moments the Lord taught me a lesson I’ve never forgotten.

Everyone has trials. And what might be a blessing to me can be a trial to someone else.

I tried to get my mind around it. Her concerns were legitimate. And if I had been in her circumstances, I might have felt the same way. Being in my own situation, however, and looking in on her life, was more painful. I wanted a baby more than anything else. It was an open wound, worn raw by the cycle of hope and despair each month.

I went back to what I knew to be true. 

With some people, it is easy to see the trials they are facing. Illness, a rebellious teenager, or a difficult marriage are all things that are readily observable. But the pain of the heart cannot be seen, and it can be caused by many kinds of heartache, like barrenness or even a surprise pregnancy. What we have in common is the cure.

Sarah and I talked until the sunset faded into the dark velvet of night. We talked about God’s faithfulness, and His sovereignty in our circumstances, and His perfect choice of trials for us. We talked about the stretching feeling of growing up spiritually as He patiently walked with us, guiding us through life, and holding us by the hand (Psalm 73:23, 139:10).

We found mutual comfort that night. Even though she had what I so desperately wanted (and incidentally, I had what she so desperately wanted—years alone with my husband) we were both traveling that narrow road with our Savior, and it was good to be reminded that the road is hard, but the rewards are eternal. 

Return to Table of Contents

Encouraging Words

 A new feature offering encouraging quotes.

“God's grace is illustrated and magnified in the poverty and trials of believers. Saints bear up under every discouragement, believing that all things work together for their good, and that out of apparent evils a real blessing shall ultimately spring—that their God will either work a deliverance for them speedily, or most assuredly support them in the trouble, as long as He is pleased to keep them in it. This patience of the saints proves the power of divine grace. 

“If then, yours be a much-tried path, rejoice in it, because you will the better show forth the all-sufficient grace of God. As for His failing you, never dream of it—hate the thought. The God who has been sufficient until now, should be trusted to the end.”  

–Charles Haddon Spurgeon, Morning and Evening 

If you have a special quote that has especially challenged your walk with the Lord, please e-mail Jill at newsletter@hannah.org so that we may consider it for an upcoming issue of Hannah to Hannah.

Hannah's Prayer is not directly related to,
nor has any financial interest in, the following organizations.
We prayerfully list them to help you find other resources
that may be of blessing or encouragement to you.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Parent Support Group in Glendale, California
Fourth Thursday of every month7:30pm – 9:30 pm at Verdugo Hills Hospital
Main Entrance, 4^th Floor, Council Rooms
1812 Verdugo Blvd., Glendale, California 

The Pregnancy and Infant Loss Group of Verdugo Hills Chapter of The Compassionate Friends, is for parents who are grieving the loss of a baby through ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage, stillbirth, newborn or early infant death. Mothers and fathers are invited to attend alone or with their partner. We will meet on the same dates and times as the general Compassionate Friend meetings, but in an adjacent room. For more information please call (818) 957-0254 or contact Susan tcfsgh@pacbell.net.

Fresno Infertility & Adoption Group
Fourth Thursday of every month
7:00-9:00 pm at Evangelical Free Church of Fresno
3438 E. Ashlan Avenue
Fresno, California 93726-3597
For more information, please contact Pete and Linda Weller at 226-4100. 

Letting Go – Coming To Terms With Fertility Losses – London, UK
Friday - Sunday, April 12-14,2002
A weekend long workshop for men, woman, or couples working on coming to terms with fertility losses of any kind: failed fertility treatment, lost pregnancies, and unwanted childlessness, whatever the cause. The workshop starts Friday evening, April 12 and finishes at approximately 6:30pm Sunday, April 14. There will be a memorial service on Sunday April 14. The fee for the London workshop is L95. There is also a workshop in Scotland and France.  For more information contact Meredith via email at Meredith.wheller@free.fr or by phone at (00 33) 563 59 11 32 or fax (00 33) 563 59 11 31. 

You are Invited to Super Sunday in Atlanta, Georgia
April 28, 2002 at 12 noon
Churches from all over Atlanta are coming together to praise, worship, sing, dance, and PRAY for those experiencing infertility. We welcome people from all denominations as well as non-believers to attend. For more information call 770-739-4738 or e-mail tyeworthy@aol.com 

Angel Babies Forever Loved
May 24-26, 2002
Quality Hotel Westshore
1200 N Westshore Boulevard
Tampa, FL 33607
We’re holding the first Greet-N-Meet on Memorial Day weekend in Tampa. For more information, please see our Web site: http://www.angels4ever.com/greetnmeet.html 

The PCOS Puzzle: Piecing it Together, PCOSA 2002 Conference
Thursday through Saturday, May 30 through June 1, 2002
Minneapolis/St. Paul Airport Hilton, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Join PCOSupport for their fifth annual international conference, “The PSOC Puzzle: Piecing it Together.” For more information go to www.pcosupport.org 

Infertility: A Journey of Hope!
2002 Stepping Stones conference on infertility/pregnancy loss
Saturday, May 4, from 8:30 a.m. - 3:30 p.m.
Grand Rapids, Michigan

Stepping Stones, the infertility ministry of Bethany Christian Services, is pleased to announce their 2002 conference.
Has infertility/pregnancy loss begun to take over your life?  Has infertility caused tension in your marriage?  Do you feel alone in your search for answers?  Has your faith been shaken?  Are you wondering what to do next: Continue medical treatment? Adoption?  Choosing to remain a family of two? 

If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions, this conference is for you!  The conference will be held on the beautiful campus of Bethany Christian Services in Grand Rapids, MI.  

Why not spend a romantic weekend in Western Michigan at Stepping Stones?  The cost for this conference will be $25.00 for an individual attendee and $45.00 for a couple. The registration includes snacks and lunch on Saturday.  

To receive a brochure and registration information, e-mail step@bethany.org or call Martheen at 616/224-7488. 

Is your organization sponsoring an infertility, adoption, or infant loss seminar?

If so, please e-mail Jill at newsletter@hannah.org so that we may consider

your announcement for an upcoming issue of Hannah to Hannah.

Has God given you something to share that you think would minister to others? Hannah to Hannah is written by, for, and about “modern-day Hannah’s” – couples facing fertility challenges. You are welcome to submit original thoughts, stories, poems, scripture passages, favorite quotes, book reviews, pen-pal requests, baby memorials or celebration announcements, fertility –related humor, or other articles to this newsletter. When sending a submission, please be sure to let us know that the information you are sending is intended for publication consideration. Due to space limitation, we are unable to include all submissions, while some submissions may be edited or filed for future use.  Contact Editor Jill at newsletter@hannah.org for more information.

June 2002 – Father’s Day and Male Issues – submissions by May 1, 2002

July 2002 – Infertility within the Military Family – submissions by June 1, 2002

August 2002 – Diagnosis and Treatment – submissions by July 1, 2002

September 2002 – Infertility Awareness Month – submissions by August 1, 2002

October 2002 – Pregnancy Loss Month and Thanksgiving – submissions by September 1, 2002

November 2002 – Adoption Awareness Month – submissions by October 1, 2002

December 2002 – Christmas and Holiday Coping – submissions by November 1, 2002 

Hannah’s Prayer is an international, interdenominational, Christian support network for couples that have experienced or are experiencing “fertility challenges,” including, but not limited to, primary and secondary infertility and all stages of pregnancy/early infancy loss. Hannah’s Prayer attempts the meet the mental, emotional, and spiritual needs of couples experiencing fertility-related difficulties through prayer, understanding, love, friendship, shared information, Biblical counsel, and godly wisdom. We offer this monthly newsletter, Hannah to Hannah, along with many other resources, such as: our Web site, chat room, e-mail groups, pen pals, and local contact people throughout the United States and around the world. 

Because we understand that fertility challenges may cause financial suffering in addition to spiritual, emotional, and physical pain, we are committed to not charging membership or subscription fees for our services. The gifts of those who are able to contribute to the ongoing needs of this ministry are our only regular source of income. Their gifts are greatly appreciated and prayerfully used. This ministry has a “debt-free” policy and is only able to provide services as funds permit. Hannah’s Prayer Ministries, Inc., is a nonprofit 501 (c)(3) corporation. 

Guidelines for Reprinting from this Newsletter

For an individual organization to reprint an article first published in the Hannah to Hannah newsletter, permission must be received in writing from the Hannah to Hannah editor or the specific article’s author. The reprint on any article from this newsletter must include a printed mention of when and where the article first appeared and the mailing address of Hannah’s Prayer. Example: 
“The Waterfall” by April Whiddon Matthews has been reprinted by permission and first appeared in the Spring 1997 issue of Hannah to Hannah, the newsletter of Hannah’s Prayer, P.O. Box 168, Hanford, CA 93232-0168.

A copy of the publication in which the Hannah to Hannah article is reprinted is to be sent to Hannah’s Prayer within one month of publication. 

Hannah's Prayer Cookbooks Now Available!

Return to the Hannah's Prayer Home Page.

Ministries About Hannah's Prayer Resources

Hannah's Prayer Ministries
www.hannah.org
PO Box 168
Hanford, California 93232-0168
USA

E-Mail: Hannahs@Hannah.org

Voice Mail / Fax: (775)852-9202

Hannah's Prayer is a California based, non-profit 501(c)(3) organization, established Jan 1, 1995. All staff members are unpaid volunteers who are proclaiming Christians (from a range of denominational backgrounds) and have personal experience with the heartache of fertility challenges.  This ministry and website are made possible by your tax deductible contributions.

This web site was established in April, 1996.  For website related issues, please contact the Hannah's Prayer website administrator, Jill Sherbrooke.  The Hannah's Prayer logo was designed exclusively for Hannah's Prayer by Rick Saake.  Hannah's Prayer pages are Copyrighted. © 1996-2004, Hannah's Prayer Ministries. All rights reserved.