Hannah To Hannah
December 2003 All rights reserved. Copyright ©2003. Issue #47
Providing "Christian
Support for Fertility Challenges"
including infertility or the loss of a
child at any time from conception through early infancy.
A monthly publication of Hannah's Prayer Ministries.
This month's topic:
Christmas
and Holiday Coping
I'm a Christian, Should I Be Feeling This Way? Hannah's Prayer Director, Kim Conger
A Selfish Faith by HP member Angela K. York
Hannah's Prayer Spotlight on: Our Founder, Jennifer Saake
With Wings As Eagles a letter from the Janecek family
Encouraging Words... on Grief and Troubles Sandra Glahn
Upcoming Events & Ongoing Support Groups
Newsletter Submission & Reprint Information
Order You Hannah's
Prayer Cookbook Now!
Christmas is coming and the Hannah's Prayer Cookbooks are now available for purchase! Our first printing is limited to 300 copies and we expect them to go fast, so order today to be sure your Christmas gift-giving copies are reserved! Cookbooks will be available to order for the next two years. In ofert to have your books delivered to your house in time for this Christmas, we must receive your order by December 5, 2003.
Cookbook questions should be
directed to Kim Conger at KimConger@hannah.org.
I'm A Christian,
Should I Be Feeling This Way?
Suffering
Through Grief and Loss
© Copyright Kim Conger,
Hannah's Prayer General Director
As Christians, should our reaction to grief and loss be any different than the unbeliever? Are we allowed to feel emotional turmoil, sadness, depression, helplessness, and anger? Yes, we are! The only, but significant, difference is we have Christ to be our Savior, our Healer, and Our Comfort.
Naively, other Christians may tell you:
· “You have God in your life, you shouldn’t be hurting”
· “You are a Christian, you have to be strong”
· “If you are feeling anger, you must not be in a close relationship with God”
· “You have no faith or you’d be over this by now”
I’m sure many of you can add similar comments you have heard. These comments only add guilt and more pain to an already hurting heart. And only complicate the grieving/healing process. Do your best to stay away from those who pass judgment on you.
I’ve recently studied “Grief and Loss” in a course I’m taking called “Caring for People God’s Way,” through the American Association of Christian Counselors. God really spoke to my heart during this study! I learned that my reaction to loss was normal and God provides healing and hope as we go through each normal stage of grief.
The Stages of Grief generally include:
· Shock
· Denial
· Anger
· Bargaining
· Depression
· Acceptance
(Individuals may differ in the order in which they go through each stage, the amount of time they stay in each stage, and some may not experience all six stages.)
We do know that everyone will go through grief and loss at some point in their life. Unfortunately, some go through many losses. The normal amount of time for grieving is 12 to 18 months. The first year is the most difficult as we go through the “anniversaries” of our losses.
As Christians, we should allow and encourage each other to experience the pain of loss. It’s okay for Christians to weep, to mourn. There is a time for EVERYTHING and a SEASON FOR EVERY ACTIVITY UNDER HEAVEN.
A Time for Everything
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-4
”There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to
die,
a time to plant and a time to
uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to
build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to
dance.”
God knows our heart, He hurts when we hurt, and He weeps when we weep. He has given us permission to mourn and He has opened His Arms to hold us when our pain is too intense. He personally understands the pain of loss, suffering the loss of His Only Son, our Savior, Jesus Christ.
If you are feeling the normal emotions of loss, allow yourself to feel and express those feelings to God and others who care about you! Don’t allow anyone to make you feel guilty for how you’re feeling. If you feel you are stuck in any of the stages of grief, you may need to talk with a Pastor, Christian Counselor or anyone you trust.
Here are some helpful ways to assist you through the grieving process:
- Talk with others who have shared the same or a similar loss. Join local grief support groups in your area (if available).
- Visit Hannah’s Prayer Community Forums at www.hannahsprayer.org Our HP forums are a safe, loving place where you can share your heart with others who understand.
- Stay away from anyone who may be passing judgment on you. All advice should be given in a gentle, nonjudgmental way, as Jesus Himself would show compassion to someone in pain.
- Know the emotions you are feeling are normal and will not last forever.
- Know that life will never be the same, but it will be good again.
- Say goodbye through letter writing, poetry, or song.
- If you struggle with being unable to pray, begin to briefly “talk” to God throughout the day. He wants to hear from you again!
- Read the Psalms.
- Begin to recall special Bible verses that previously gave you strength.
- CRY!!!
- Request prayer and help from others.
Revelation 21:4
”He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or
mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."
We can move from hopelessness to hope through Jesus Christ!
A Selfish Faith
© Copyright 2003, Angela K. York. All copyrights retained by Author -
Printed with permission.
My baby died. She didn’t
have a chance. We named her Zoey Kay Marie…
Where was God?
Didn’t He hear our pleas for Him to save her?
I prayed believing in my core that He would and could save her.
But He didn’t. So where
does that leave me now? What kind
of God would do this or let this happen? Do
I want to worship a God like that? How
could He do this to me? Why would
he give me this miracle baby only to let her die?
This is the story of the metamorphosis of my faith during a time of deep
grief.
The loss of a baby through miscarriage is often a misunderstood loss.
Some people do not acknowledge a miscarriage as a death or a “real”
loss because they consider “it” to just be a fetus, or even just tissue.
Somehow, the word “fetus” makes it sound neutral, scientific, but not
human. The definition of
miscarriage that I prefer, as opposed to the medical definition, is to miss the
opportunity to carry your child from conception until the child
can live outside the womb. My
pregnancy was the start of a life, a life that was part of my husband and of me,
a life made by God’s hands. A
life we tried for and prayed for, for four years, two years of which were in
fertility treatments. During the
last session of these treatments, God spoke clearly to our hearts that we needed
to stop fertility, to put this into His hands directly.
We obeyed, we stopped the treatments, but it was one of the hardest
things I’ve done because I felt that in order to follow God’s will I had to
give up the most important dream in my heart –motherhood.
Over the next few months, through much growth in my faith, I found myself
able to say that all I wished was for God’s will to be done in my life, even
if motherhood wasn’t part of His plan. Six
months later I was pregnant, naturally. This life, this child, was a gift from God, a natural
conception that was thought to be impossible.
Our miracle baby. We
praised God to everyone that would listen!
We had an incredible testimony to share with others and we felt that we
owed God the credit and glory of this child.
But we were stopped in our tracks with a surprise ending to this story.
Zoey had a fatal defect and was born premature.
My husband and I had only a few precious hours with her lifeless body.
Why would God give us this gift only to take it away?
I believe that everyone should be required to take “Grief 101” to
live in this world. Perhaps it
would help us during and after the loss of a loved one and also help the people
surrounding us. An important part
to understanding how grief works is to realize that grief is the effect, the
result, and the direct consequence of love.
The deeper the love, the deeper the grief.
No matter how far along a woman was in her pregnancy when she miscarried,
the pain and grief that the loved ones feel is not related to the age of the
child, but to their hearts, their hopes, their dreams and their love for that
child. This is why losses with
seemingly similar circumstances affect survivors so differently.
The same type of death will never produce the exact same reaction of
grief because each person is different. In
most cases, we can only support and cry with those who have lost a loved one
because we cannot truly “understand how they feel.”
As you can imagine, the detection of Zoey’s defect, my labor, and her
birth and death turned my whole world upside down. Someone once said, “When you decide to have a child, you
decide to allow your heart to walk around outside of your body.”
This describes it perfectly. When
Zoey was born, part of my heart was born, and when she died, part of my heart
died with her. What I
believed about God, about prayer, and about faithfulness just disappeared and I
no longer knew how to live in this world.
But by the grace of God (through books, prayer, scripture, and people),
God revealed much to me in the trail of our grief. I realized that my faith had been a selfish one.
I’m not saying that my selfish faith was the cause of Zoey’s death,
or that it caused God to punish me with her death.
No, that is far from the truth. As
the author of the Women’s Study Bible said, “Miscarriage, however, was not
viewed as judgment on selected women for personal sin.
It is rather a consequence of living in a fallen world (Rom. 5:12,
14).” I say I had selfish faith
because before Zoey died, I felt like I had faith in God, I believed in Jesus
Christ, I believed that His only Son died for me, I believed that I should
follow the Commandments, and that I should follow God’s will. Somewhere in my heart, I also believed that if I did those
things, I would then be blessed. Wrong.
Although an innocent faith, it was an ignorant and selfish one, and now,
God has used this tragedy to open my eyes to the truth.
What is the truth? The truth
is that God does not owe us anything. Nothing.
Let that sink in for a minute…. We
owe Him everything and our behavior CANNOT bring forth good favor from the
heavens. We are saved by the blood
of Christ, not by our works, our intentions, or our faith.
Therefore, if my good Christian faith didn’t save Zoey’s life, my
selfish faith could not have caused it either.
This was a big relief for me; I was not guilty.
So who was to blame? My
anger over losing Zoey sent me on a quest to find who was to blame.
I thought that if God had the power but he didn’t use it, it must be
His fault. Why God why?
In my logical and analytical way of thinking, I figured that if bad
things happen to good people, then that must mean that there is no apparent
rhyme or reason to good or bad things happening to good or bad people.
“Apparent” is the key word here.
We cannot see the logic or reason or fairness in bad things happening to
good people because we are of the earth and think with earthly minds and hearts.
God helped me to see that He doesn’t think or act or feel in an earthly
way like we do. What we perceive as
unfair has happened for a reason unknown to us, but yet necessary.
Realizing this scared me to death because it meant that I wasn’t in
control. Is that possible?
No control at all? Good
things will happen to bad people, bad things will happen to good people, my baby
died whether or not I was a believer. I
always knew before, on an intellectual level, that we aren’t in control of the
grand scheme of things, but this was serious.
This meant that if my husband and I decided to try again for a child, I
couldn’t pray KNOWING that He WOULD answer my prayer for a healthy child.
It is HIS will that will be done, no matter what.
I have no control.
So then my mind took me to a place that asked why should I bother to pray
if the outcome is regardless of my requests? God helped me see that I should pray because God says to, and
because Jesus did when He was on the earth.
And my favorite reason came from the mouth of my husband: “God wants us
to pray because He wants us to talk to Him.”
This made sense to me as I compared it to a parent wanting their child to
express to them how they were feeling, whether or not the parent could or would
change the child’s circumstances. But
then I was confused further because the Bible says that God knows and grants us
the desires of our hearts. How
could God make or allow Zoey to die if He also knew that she was my heart’s
desire? I asked myself…does this
mean that somehow there must be a way to change God’s will through prayer –
if your case is strong enough? Hmmmm…I
needed to find this magic key.
Well, in searching for this “key,” I found that there wasn’t one.
No magic key, no special combination, no set rules to follow.
But I did find a way to explain the mystery...God’s will, will always
be done, our prayers may not always be answered with a “yes,” but sometimes
our heart’s desire through prayer can become God’s will and therefore be
granted as part of His plan. So, in
the case of my husband and I trying for another child, I would pray for God to
make this baby healthy, begging Him for this to be His will while knowing that
it may not be. This was a tough
pill for me to swallow. No
guarantees. You know what it comes down to?
Us surrendering COMPLETELY to His will.
I thought I had surrendered to His will before, but not until I lost
something this close to my heart did I realize that God’s will is not always a
pill with smooth coating. Sometimes
it is that dry, sour, pasty pill that gets stuck in your throat that you
continue to taste until you eat a piece of bread.
But you know what? No matter
how the pill goes down, we should acknowledge that we are still getting the
medicine we need and should be thankful even though we may not understand how
that medicine works. Thankful?
No, I’m not suggesting that I’m thankful that my daughter died.
I’m simply saying that we should be thankful for everything we do have
that we now take for granted.
For example, are you thankful when you wake up each morning just because
you’ve been granted another day as a completely forgiven sinner with the
promise of eternal life? That alone
is reason enough to explain that God doesn’t owe us anything else.
Most of us think that our children are ours.
Do you think that your children are yours?
They aren’t, they are God’s. This
was perhaps the hardest lesson I learned. We
were all created by God to bring glory to God.
We are HIS; we are here to do His work, whatever that may be.
We are all God’s children and only He knows how long we’ll be here.
None of us know how long we will be granted with our children.
None of us know how long we’ll be alive on earth.
But I do know one thing. There
is a heaven, and if we are saved, we go to that place where there is no more
earthly troubles, pains, deaths or broken hearts; heaven is a place with all the
answers. I’m now trying to get to
a point where I can just be thankful for what I do have and thank God for
helping me through the rest. That
is really all I can do. Why?
Because when it comes down to it, I don’t have the answers.
None of us do. That is what faith is - believing without proof.
A good friend of mine gave me an article from her Women’s Study Bible.
It explained, “…parents (who have lost a child) may need to be
reminded that God’s love encompasses the preborn and that He is involved in
the development of the child in the womb. The
‘infants who never saw light’ of day are at rest (Job 3:16, 17).
Children, though lost to earthly life, are special to God (Mark 10:14),
and Christian parents will one day by reunited with them (2 Sam. 12:23).”
I will never pretend to say I’m glad I lost Zoey because without
her dying I never would have realized all this.
But I do believe that without losing Zoey, I never would have
sought out who God truly is, instead of who I wanted Him to be in my selfish
faith. In the wake of this
heartbreaking experience, God reached me at a new depth.
I know God doesn’t want me to be in pain, I know He knows I’m
suffering without Zoey. But He does offer comfort and He is here to help me through.
I won’t know the answers to all the “whys” until I join Zoey, but
at least I do know that when I die, I will be with her in heaven – the Bible
says so. And won’t that be a
glorious time! So for now, I keep
on living, keep on breathing until my time is up, trusting in God’s plan,
having faith that His will is best.
Hannah's Prayer
Spotlight On:
Our Founder, Jenni Saake
This month we visit with the
founder of Hannah’s Prayer, Jennifer Saake.
Jenni has been married to Rick since August 15, 1992.
They live in Reno, Nevada.
Their “furry baby” is Stocky (short for "Back Stock"
because they owned a bookstore when they adopted her and she lived in the back
room with the books). Rick gave her to Jenni on their second
childless Christmas. The Lord has
blessed Jenni and Rick with these precious children:
Joshua Allen Saake 12-22-1999 (4 pounds, 13 ounces)
Ruth Marie Saake 1-25-2003 (full-term, after bed rest since week 25)
Awaiting them in heaven: Noel Alexis, Joel Samuel, and Hannah Rose
What position do you hold in HP leadership?
Rick and I are the ministry founders. Our roles have been many and varied since God began laying the foundations for HP back in 1994. There really aren't many positions I haven't filled at one time or another, everything from newsletter editing, to fundraising and accounting, to guest speaking for local women's events, a television interview, and even a few national radio programs. My official title is now “Director Emeritus.”
What are your responsibilities?
As God has increased our family and I strive to focus more time and energy on these miracle blessings, my ministry involvement is now limited to website administration, serving as an honorary board member, and continued work on my writing projects.
What do you enjoy most about serving through HP?
It is such a joy to see broken, bitter people turn to God in their pain. I've been privileged to witness so many life transformations when hurting hearts fully surrender to God's perfect plan. To be a part of that healing process, even when God's answer for children is "no" in an individual's life, is amazing!
I am often told that Hannah's Prayer has been life-changing to various people. When I receive notes or calls thanking me for starting this ministry, I am overwhelmed. All I can say is that, no matter how much healing you think God has given you through HP, I believe I have been transformed the most. I am just so thankful God provided this ministry for ME when I needed it, and I am continually astounded at the ongoing outpouring of God's love as the trickle-effects of what I needed in my darkest days continue to be poured out on more and more aching families.
Please briefly share your personal experiences with fertility challenges.
Of our 11 years of
marriage, over 10 full years have revolved around efforts to adopt, conceive, or
carry a troubled pregnancy.
I grew up dreaming
of a large family, eight kids including at least one set of twins!
When Rick and I were engaged we agreed on “at least four,” planning
to build our family through both birth and adoption.
We married young, two weeks after my 20th birthday.
Because I had struggled with female problems all through my adolescent
years, and Rick required daily medication that could sometimes effect male sperm
production, we knew that it might take us a while to conceive.
Even so, we were blissfully naive about just what the efforts to grow our family would truly demand of us, physically, emotionally, or spiritually. Before all was said and done, we would survive 7 years of primary infertility, nearly 3 years of secondary infertility, 3 miscarriages, 7 adoption losses, and 2 high-risk pregnancies. Our medical “shopping list” has grown longer and longer through the years, with the predominant issues now spanning Endometriosis (2 surgeries so far, another one on the horizon), PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome), bicornate (split) uterus, probable DES exposure, LPD (low progesterone), elevated IgM (auto-immune factor where my body attacks the babies I carry; only 11-20% live birthrate when untreated), CFIDS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), and Fibromyalgia.
Is there something
you know now that you wish you had known at the beginning of your trial with
infertility? What is it?
If you don’t
quickly conceive (or conceive and go on to miscarry), or if you have any known
history of reproductive problems, don’t waste too much time with your family
doctor or a regular ob/gyn (even if their business card advertises their
treatment of infertility). Only an
RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) is adequately trained in the treatment and
most current advances in the area of reproductive medicine.
The names,
abbreviations, and array of options can be mind blowing.
ARTS, IUI, IVF, HCG, HSG, LPD… Early
in the process, take some time to read a good book on infertility, from a Christian
perspective, and ask the Lord to
help you find the path He has for you. This
can be a moral minefield. Don’t
let doctors pressure you into something you don’t feel peace to pursue.
Likewise, don’t let uneducated friends from church prevent you from
pursuing an option you truly feel the Lord has directed you to try.
The HP library – www.hannah.org/ministries/library.htm
- offers many wonderful choices of books to help with these decisions.
You are not alone.
While it may feel like you are the only infertile woman who is hurting
like this in a world of pregnant bellies and newborn babies, by finding HP, you
have found understanding!
What church are you affiliated with?
Plain 'Ol Christian :o)
My Dad is ordained through the Conservative Congregational Christian Conference so this is where my roots lay. I was raised in military chapel settings around the world, where worship styles and theological mindsets varied greatly location to location and chaplain to chaplain. In high school I attended youth group at a Baptist church. In college, Rick and I joined an Evangelical Free church. As newly-weds we were active in a Grace Brethren fellowship. Our next church home was another EV Free church. Since moving to Nevada we have been attending a non-denominational church, and recently had the brief privilege of helping launce a new neighborhood church in connection with the Northern California Evangelistic Association, a "church planting organization that starts new non-denominational Christian churches in emerging communities."
How are you involved in your church?
The church we have been attending on Sunday mornings for the past almost-6 years, is too far from our house to be involved with for weekly activities. We were involved in a weekly small group home Bible study until it disbanded last year. I attend (and have occasionally helped teach) a weekly daytime woman's Bible study through another area church. Joshua attends AWANA and we are involved in a local Christian homeschoolers' support group at the same church. Hannah's Prayer has been our main area of ministry focus.
Please tell about a trial that became a blessing to you:
These questions seem best answered as a unit, by sharing our story… © copyright, Jennifer Saake, 2003
While we had been
advised by marriage experts and my doctors to wait a year or more before trying
to get pregnant, a late cycle the first month home from our honeymoon
jumpstarted our desire to have a baby. We
quickly discarded birth control methods and set out with excited anticipation of
the day we would learn we were pregnant. Due
to other health issues (Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome and a host
of complications from this illness), our efforts to conceive were being
carefully monitored by my doctor. Within
the next six months, we were disappointed by more than 20 negative pregnancy
(both home and blood) tests. Emotionally
I plunged into the world of infertility hard and fast.
By the time my
first nephew was born, a little more than a year past our first wedding
anniversary, I had already received the medical label of “infertility.”
My gynecologist had calmly explained that my infertility was due to my
simple biological failure to ovulate. In
his words, this was “the simplest infertility condition to treat” and I was
sent home with a prescription for Clomid and a happy promise that I should be
back in his office as one of his ob patients “within the next six month.”
If only it had been
so easy! After more than 18 months
under this man’s care, I still was not pregnant, our insurance refused to
provide any more coverage for infertility, and we were out of personal
resources, both emotionally and financially, to continue the journey.
(As I’ve learned more about proper infertility treatment through the
years, I now know that my medication was improperly dosed and my cycles poorly
monitored the entire time under this doctor’s care.)
While I rode the emotional roller coaster of hope and despair month after
month, it is probably that I reminded anovulatory through the entire costly
ordeal, thus never even having had a chance to conceive.
Earlier that year,
just before Mother’s Day, we had started to pursue the adoption of a
preschool-aged brother and sister whose mother was dying.
When God closed the door for us to bring these children into our family,
I couldn’t bear the pain of hope deferred, once again.
I was angry with God, hurt over his continual withholding of my heart’s
desires. I became bitter and deeply depressed. Mother’s Day itself represented a mockery of all I had ever
dreamed for, but feared I would never know.
Hannah’s story
(First Samuel, chapter 1) fed my resentment toward God.
How could a loving God willfully put a woman through the pain of
barrenness, give her a husband who thought he was God’s gift to women without
understanding his wife’s need for children, then make Hannah share that
husband with another women who was indeed very fertile and rubbed it in
Hannah’s face? And then, when God
did finally give a child to this broken-hearted woman, He was an Indian-giver
and demanded her baby back!!!
I had accepted
Jesus Christ as my Savior as a young child, but if this is how He treated those
who devoted themselves to Him, I no longer wanted to allow Him Lordship in my
life. I wanted to be a Mommy more
than I cherished life itself. If
God required me to surrender this life-long dream, the cost was higher than I
would willingly pay! My faith
reached a point of crisis.
God, in His great
grace, did not abandon me even as I raged against Him.
My depression continued to spiral into dangerous levels.
The days immediately following Mother’s Day, 1994, seemed so hopeless
that I refused to get out of bed, brush my hair, eat properly or even pretend to
care about the world around me. I
vacillated between refusal to pray and shouting angry accusations at God with
clenched fists.
I had been reading The
Ache for a Child http://acheforachild.bridwell.com
by Debra Bridwell off and on for several weeks, but my pain was so raw that I
hadn’t gotten very far into the book yet.
I would read half a page, then have to put down the book because the
words were too blurred from my tears to keep reading. I spent that Mother’s Day week picking at bits and pieces
of this book again, along with occasionally trying to read my Bible.
During one of my
temper tantrums with God, I actually threw my Bible across the room.
When I went to pick it up, I was stunned to see that the Book had fallen
open to First Samuel, chapter one, that Hannah story that I so loathed!
Drawn like a moth to flame, I sat down to read the story once again, to
prove to myself my right to be angry with an unjust God.
But something
changed in my heart with this reading. Finally
some of the things God has been trying to show me over these months of heartache
started to get through the hardness of my heart.
For the first time I saw that God never demanded Samuel of Hannah.
She gave her child willingly, with a joyful heart.
I also saw that Hannah, who had been a broken as I, learned to rejoice before
God ever gave her a baby! What was
it that changed Hannah? I had to
know!
I devoured the rest
of The Ache for a Child and experienced much healing along the way.
Tear still? Yes.
But now with an understanding that God had not abandoned me.
He really did care about this heartache and longing.
Through prayer I felt Him impress upon my heart these words:
“My Child.
You cannot treat me according to the gifts I give to you or withhold from
you. I AM Worthy!”
It was then that I
realized that my desire for a baby had become an idol.
This drive to grow our family had taken the rightful place of God in my
life. If I was angry that God was
not granting me the desires of my heart, I first needed to learn what it meant
to truly “delight in the Lord.” This
could not be a “give to get” plan on my part, meaning that delighting in the
Lord had to be without strings attached, learning to make God first in my heart
again, with or without a baby. From
this realization was born a heartfelt prayer:
“Lord, help me to know that You are enough. Take my eyes off of myself. Take my eyes off of the child I desire. Help me to delight myself in You. Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will. I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child. I don't want wanting to have a baby to be a stumbling block between You and me anymore.
“Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You. Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands. Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing.
“Lord, You know that I still desire a baby - someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You. But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me. Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path.
“Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts, and prepare the child who will share our home. If adoption is not Your will for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan. Help me to stay submitted to my husband's will, and to Your will. If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts.
“Thank You for lifting my burden. Help me to keep You first! Let me seek Your face daily, and let me know that You are enough!”
That week following
Mother’s Day, 1994, is actually the beginning of this ministry.
This is when God first planted within me the desire to see a “small,
local support group” begin meeting in our home.
I needed the support and fellowship of other Christian families facing
these same questions, challenges, longings and moral dilemmas.
The secular infertility support groups I knew of were great places to
meet other infertile families, but my questions went much deeper than social
interaction could aid. My deepest
struggles were with the Lord and this is where I needed accountability.
In seeing Hannah’s heart change the day she met with the Lord in the
temple, I knew from the start that such a group could have no other name than
“Hannah’s Prayer.”
My heart journey
continued through that next year. When
I first broached the idea of a support group with Rick, He wisely knew I
wasn’t prepared to lead such a venture yet.
I had taken some significant steps toward healing, but was still very
deeply wounded and had a long way to grow before I could come alongside anyone
else.
By the fall we were
advised to seek medical options that were outside both our moral and financial
limitations. It seemed our effort
to conceive were over. Here I was,
not yet even 23 years old, and my hope of motherhood had already vanished.
Friends would try to encourage me saying, “Relax.
You are so young. You have
plenty of time.” Knowing that I
would be fortunate to even make it to my 30th birthday before I
required a hysterectomy, their words only crushed my heart all the more!
I stopped taking
Clomid and regained some of my life without all those constant trips to the
doctor’s office and lab. Thanksgiving
week, Rick gave his full support to letting Hannah’s Prayer begin, so I had a
“new baby” to pour my energy into. We
set our first meeting date for mid-January and began paperwork for legal
incorporation and ministry promotion.
At Christmas we
were amazed, after more than 2 long years, to find ourselves suddenly suspecting
I was pregnant! We were away from
home for the holiday, so we couldn’t confirm things immediately, but we were
very hopeful. The day we went home,
I woke up to blood and cramps. It
was confirmed by my doctor after it was too late, that yes, we had been
pregnant. We started the new year
with fresh hope (that we could actually achieve pregnancy) but a new kind of
numbness and grief. We felt part of
God’s purpose for our baby’s short life was to minister to our great longing
to become parents. Months later, as
we processed the pain of loosing our first child, we named the baby (who we both
think of as a girl) “Noel Alexis” meaning “Christmas Minister of Needs.
The first meetings
of Hannah’s Prayer were very small and humble.
Sometimes there were only 2 of us, either Rick and I alone, or myself and
one friend. Occasionally there
would be nearly a dozen ladies, a few bringing their husbands and others
attending alone. By July we
published our first issue of Hannah to Hannah.
We printed 25 copies and didn’t know what to do with them all!
While I was terrified of computers, Rick talked me into letting him put
one of the newsletters up on a website in the spring of 1996, and thus the
internet portion of HP was born. From
there, God has grown this ministry far beyond our wildest dreams!
Please tell about a
valuable lesson God has taught you
His grace is
sufficient for me. Only in my
weakness is His strength glorified!
Please briefly share how and when you became a Christian.
I grew up in a
Christian home and known about God and His gift of salvation from the cradle.
At the age of 4, at bedtime prayer, my mother led me to a personal
understanding for my need to seek my Savior.
I was generally a “good kid” growing up and didn’t exhibit many
outward signs of rebellion, but there were significant stages of God dealing
with sins of my heart and bringing me into a more mature relationship with
Himself over the years. It wasn’t
until I left home at 18, faced significant illness and wrestled through
questions of life and death, that I really learned for myself lessons of faith.
Then infertility became the pivotal battle to test this faith like
nothing I’d known before. In the
end, God refused to let me go. Praise
be to God!
What is your favorite
book in the Bible?
Ruth, 1 Samuel,
James
What is your
favorite (or lifetime) verse?
Psalm 4:8 – “I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.”
What do you do for fun in your “spare” time?
I'm a "wanna be" scrapbooker, but never seem to find the time to get much done. I also enjoy reading Christian fiction (authors such as Janette Oke and Beverly Lewis), personal journaling, writing for publication, Sign Language and teddy bears.
Please list one thing people don’t know about you:
I grew up in Japan.
Tell us about a good
book you’ve read lately:
Rain Dance by Joy DeKok - http://www.joydekok.com/j-rain.htm
Tell us about a favorite book:
A Graceful Waiting by Jan Frank. This is not an “infertility book,” but I would count it among the top five most helpful books I’ve ever read. Currently out-of-print, it is worth paying the price whenever you can find it at one of the online used book sites.
Do you have any words of advice or encouragement to H2H
readers?
Even when God seems
silent and uncaring, He is there. He
loves you and pursues you, even when He seems far away.
Keep taking your pain to God. He
cannot help you if you are running away. Be
honest with God (and yourself) about your feelings.
He is big enough to handle your anger. He already knows what you are thinking, so don’t try to
hide from Him, you are only fooling yourself when you try.
If prayer is too hard, try writing your thoughts down on paper. I have found my journal to be a helpful tool when prayer doesn’t come easily. Sometimes I’m surprised by the things I write, sometimes even ashamed that such thoughts or feelings were hidden in my heart. But years later, when I look back over these records and see how far the Lord has carried me, they are a testament to His faithfulness and great grace!
Is there anything you’d like to add?
I am excited to announce that God has recently answered another one of my long-term prayers. I am currently in the process of signing contract paperwork, and if all goes as scheduled, my book, Hannah’s Heart will be on bookstore shelves sometime around November, 2005.
I would greatly appreciate your prayers during this writing process, that God will grant me wisdom and skill in the words I choose, and that He will already be preparing the hearts of the families He wants to touch with this book in years to come. Please continue to watch this newsletter and the hannah.org website for announcements as the publication date draws closer. If you would like to join my prayer support team and receive regular updates and prayer requests from me through the course of this writing process, please visit http://hannah.org/mailman/listinfo/jenniswriting_hannah.org to add your email to my update list.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
If you have questions or comments for Jenni, please contact her at: jennisaake@hannah.org.
With Wings as
Eagles
A Letter from the Janecek Family
By
Annette Janecek, Copyright © 2003 Vision
Forum Ministries
Our sweet little boy Jonathan was born on Nov. 7. He was born four weeks early and suffered severe brain damage because of a lack of oxygen. During his birth he internally suffered a brain bleed and swelling. The doctors in the NICU unit at the children's hospital let us know that his chances for survival were next to zero. They did not expect him to live through the night. Jonathan could not swallow, he did not posses a gag reflex that would allow him to eat or suck. His legs would not move because of a spinal cord injury and his eyes were fixed and non-responsive. His hearing was abnormal amidst other problems. Yet, when we looked at our sweet boy, we were in awe of God's beautiful creation. Jonathan was precious in His sight. As a lady visited him, she exclaimed, "He looks like he has been bathed in prayer!"
Very early on, the doctors made it crystal clear that Jonathan's life would not be good quality. As they put it, Jonathan struggled with every breath. (Because of the secretions he was not able to swallow. In turn, we learned to suction his throat and nasal cavities with a special machine throughout the day and night.)
The doctors gave us the option to not reintubate him if and when he needs to go back on ventilation (and he did need to be reintubated). It was chilling to know that others in our situation had chosen to let their sweet babies die. We knew that God was the very giver of life and death and that He alone would choose whether Jonathan would stay here or go home. It was never an option to us. We let the staff know what our feelings were and where we stood. Even through they respected our family, we felt the disapproval. So we prayed and other faithful believers prayed. Over the next six weeks we began to see some changes taking place. The once overly and "to the point" gloomy rounds with the staff and doctors started to change. They had watched our family intently throughout the weeks. Our nine- and ten-year-old home schooled children read books, did projects, and loved their little brother with all their hearts.
The staff knew that we all loved Jonathan deeply, whether he was "whole" or whether his brain was permanently damaged. They knew that we considered his life to be extremely precious. We believe … we know that God was glorified through Jonathan's life.
Every night we would gather around Jonathan's isolete and pray. Our nine-year-old daughter, Abigail, would pray, "Please, Lord Jesus, let Jonathan run and not be weary, walk and not grow faint." It never ceased to make me cry.
The days passed slowly and after many weeks, to the staff's amazement, it was time to take Jonathan home. One of his doctors actually broke protocol and hugged me and cried! We felt so blessed. God had broken down the walls and worked everything together for good. We knew that our road would be long and difficult from that moment on. But, we had accepted it and resolved to love our little boy and care for him with all our hearts. We took one day at a time and God supplied just enough grace to get through each day.
One day, as I was caressing my baby's cheek, he smiled slightly. He looked content, something he had never done in the hospital. Another day, he actually sucked on my finger (remember, he had no ability to suck)! Although it was weak, he was trying so hard. Those memories are so precious to me and I wouldn't trade them for anything. God was showing us that Jonathan knew that he was loved.
Christmas Eve was a tender family time for us. David read the Christmas story and we snuggled on the couch together admiring Jonathan. When we put him to bed for the night, I lingered, telling him how precious he was and how much I loved him. I kissed him goodnight for the last time. Early on Christmas morning, my husband woke me up early saying that the baby wasn't breathing. As I was performing CPR on our precious boy, I told the Lord that I loved this child so much. I had waited nine long years for this blessing, but if it was His will, I would give him back. My "mother's heart" didn't want to give him back, but I knew that God would do what was best. I knew that God had been so faithful through all of Jonathan's journey. He would continue to be our God through whatever would lie ahead.
The sheriff's department arrived and took over. They were crying and down deep I knew that Jonathan had gone home. On the way to the hospital, God threw a blanket of peace over us.
When we arrived at the ER, the chaplain met us and took us into a side room. He said that he was praying and that the only Scripture that he could think of was, "They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall run and not grow faint." Little did he know just how impacting that Scripture would be to us! God had answered Abbey's prayer.
David asked if he could pray
before they "called" the time of Jonathan's death. So, with many ER
staff gathered around the room, our family joined together and David prayed and
thanked God for Jonathan's life. He thanked God that we would someday see
Jonathan again. Afterwards, we held him in our arms for several hours. We
repeated the Scripture, "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. BLESSED
be the name of the Lord!"
We don't always understand why things happen the way in which they do, but God always works things together for good to them that are called according to His purpose.
Through Jonathan's life, we were
able to witness God's great love for each of us, and through his death, we were
able to witness of God's great love for each of us! The nurses and doctors and
others saw Jesus. We are a light to this generation. While they would choose to
snuff out the life of a child who was not "perfect," we held on and
waited for God's timing. Through God's timing, relationships were built, God's
plan unfolded, and His purpose was completed.
Our arms are empty now, and they
long for the sweet bundle they once held. But, knowing that he is in the
presence of the Lord -- our great and faithful Heavenly Father -- we take
comfort. We also are thrilled to know that Jonathan is running now!
With Thankfulness,
David, Annette, Josiah, and Abbey Janecek
********
Dear Hannah’s
Prayer,
Thank you for your note and offer to print our story. We count it a privilege.
Annette Janecek - dnajanecek@crosspaths.net
Encouraging Words...
on
Grief and Troubles
--E. B. Pusey, from Joy and Strength (World Wide Publications, Minneapolis, 1986)
*
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
If
you have an encouraging quote that has especially challenged you,
please
e-mail Jill at newsletter@hannah.org
so that we may consider
it for an upcoming issue of Hannah to Hannah.
Upcoming Events
& Ongoing Support Groups
Is your organization sponsoring an infertility, adoption,
or infant loss seminar?
If so, please e-mail Jill at newsletter@hannah.org
so that we may consider
your announcement for an upcoming issue of "Hannah to Hannah."
Hannah’s Prayer is not directly related to, nor has any
financial interest in, these organizations. We prayerfully list them to help you
find other resources that may be of blessing or encouragement to you.
For all bereaved parents who lost a child before their
time:
The Arizona National Children's Memorial Day Candle Lighting Service will be held Sunday, December 14, 2003 at 6:30 p.m. at 4715 N. Central Road in the St. Francis Xavier Church (Note: This ceremony has no affiliation with any religious group/s and is open to all families of all spiritual (or non) backgrounds). Family and friends are welcome to attend with you.
Please RSVP with the number to attend by email to: info@missfoundation.org
If you have a piece of poetry, art, or other talent you'd like to share for this event, please notify us immediately at joanne@missfoundation.org
Ongoing Regional Support Groups
CALIFORNIA
Infertility & Adoption Group
Fourth Thursday of every month
7:00-9:00
pm at Evangelical Free Church of Fresno
3438
E. Ashlan Avenue
Fresno,
California 93726-3597
For more information, please contact Pete and Linda Weller at 226-4100.
Pregnancy
and Infant Loss Parent Support Group in Glendale, California
Fourth
Thursday of every month
7:30pm
– 9:30 pm at Verdugo Hills Hospital
Main
Entrance, 4th Floor, Council Rooms
1812
Verdugo Blvd., Glendale, California
The Pregnancy and Infant Loss
Group of Verdugo Hills Chapter of The Compassionate Friends, is for parents who
are grieving the loss of a baby through ectopic pregnancy, miscarriage,
stillbirth, newborn or early infant death.
Mothers and fathers are invited to attend alone or with their partner.
We will meet on the same dates and times as the general Compassionate
Friend meetings, but in an adjacent room. For
more information please call (818) 957-0254 or contact Susan tcfsgh@pacbell.net.
FLORIDA
Infertility Support Group
Last Friday of every month
7:00 pm at the First United Methodist Church
72 Lake Morton Drive
Lakeland, Florida 33801
Phone contact: First UMC Counseling Office (863) 644-8241
Please call to confirm time and location. Should you require further information or confirmation, please contact Laurie Busey at greggbuseyz@yahoo.com or phone (863) 644-1507.
MISSOURI
Infertility Support Group
Meeting times: to
be determined
Sheffield Family
Life Center Church
5700 Winner Road
Kansas City,
Missouri
Contact: Terri
Bennett
(816) 220-9823
The Sheffield Family Life Center Church has built a new building and
expanded its programs to include a new ministry called, "The Refuge.”
They are starting a Christian support group for those experiencing infertility,
unwanted childlessness, and other related issues. The name of the support
group is, "Light On The Path.” The groups will meet monthly for
support and there will also be special events (adoption panels, etc.). There
are brochures available if you would like to have a copy e-mailed or mailed to
you. The group may meet at the
church or in Terri’s home. Please
contact Terri if you are interested in attending.
NORTH
CAROLINA
Adoption Support Group
First meeting: Thursday, November 13 from 7-8:30 p.m.
Forest Hill Church
7224 Park Rd.
Charlotte, NC
Contact: Trina La France at trina@hannahsheart.org
This is a new group forming for those needing adoption info, prayer, and encouragement as you are seeking or waiting for a child. We will have speakers and discussions.
PENNSYLVANIA
Hope In Heaven
Support Group
Lancaster
Evangelical Free Church
419 Peirson Rd.
Lititz, PA
17540
Church phone:
717-626-5332
Lancaster
Evangelical Free Church
Meeting Time:
Thursday evenings, 7:00 p.m.
Contact: Cathy
Bell
Phone:
717-391-8993
(or call the
church office)
We offer support
and comfort through an ongoing study of God's Word, using
the booklet, Threads
of Hope, Pieces of Joy, by Gwen Kik and Teale Fakler.
Registration is
required, please contact Cathy Bell.
SOUTH CAROLINA
HUGGs (Hearts United by God's Gifts) Adoption Support Group
Cheryl D. Hillard (contact)
146 Old Power Plant Road
Duncan, SC 29334
(864) 433-1280
We have a support group in the
Greenville, South Carolina, area we would love to make other adoptive families
aware of. We call ourselves the HUGGs (Hearts United by God's Gifts). We
meet every Tuesday night for dinner and play. We started as a
biracial support group (our kids are African American & Caucasian) but would
welcome anyone. We even have one family whose child is not adopted
but are just considering it. We decide from week to week where we
will meet (often we meet at the food court in the Greenville Mall). Anyone
interested can contact me for information. We are very relaxed and
just enjoy talking, fellowship and having other adopted kids for our children to
grow up with.
TEXAS
Glory Babies
Every third
Tuesday, 6:30 p.m.
1305 Baxter St
Tyler, TX (across the street from Tyler Junior College)
Glory Babies is a Christ-centered care group for men and women, friends and family of those who have lost a baby during pregnancy or infancy. For more information, call 903-939-1597 or go to our website www.childrenareagift.com or email us at glorybabies@childrenareagift.com
ONTARIO, CANADA
DOWNTOWN DROP-IN SUPPORT GROUP
Share information, hopes, concerns, and frustrations in a safe, caring
atmosphere.
3rd Thursday of each month (January - December)
7:00 - 9:00 p.m.
No charge.
Individuals and couples welcome.
Location: Women's Health Centre, 790 Bay St. (at College), 8th floor, Toronto.
Parking on south side of building.
A joint program of the Infertility Network & the Women's Health Centre.
Info:
Infertility Network, 160 Pickering St., Toronto, M4E 3J7
Ph: 416-691-3611, F: 416-690-8015, Info@Infertility Network, http://www.InfertilityNetwork.org
2004 Hannah
to Hannah Topics
& Submission Deadlines
Topics and Deadlines subject to change
without notice, at the discretion of the editor.
Has God given you something to share that you think would minister to others? Hannah to Hannah is written by, for, and about “modern-day Hannahs” – couples facing fertility challenges. You are welcome to submit original thoughts, stories, poems, scripture passages, favorite quotes, book reviews, pen-pal requests, baby memorials or celebration announcements, fertility–related humor, or other articles to this newsletter. When sending a submission, please be sure to let us know that the information you are sending is intended for publication consideration. Due to space limitation, we are unable to include all submissions, while some submissions may be edited or filed for future use.
February 2004 – Marriage
Builders – submissions by January 15, 2004
March 2004 – Secondary Infertility & Step-Parenting – submissions by February 15, 2004
April 2004 – Church, Family, and Friends – submissions by March 15, 2004
May 2004 – Mother’s Day and Female Issues – submissions by April 15, 2004
June 2004 – Father’s Day and Male Issues – submissions by May 15, 2004
July 2004 – to be determined – submissions by June 15, 2004
August 2004 – Diagnosis and Treatment – submissions by July 15, 2004
September 2004 – Infertility Awareness Month – submissions by August 15, 2004
October 2004 – Pregnancy and Child Loss Month – submissions by September 15, 2004
November 2004 – Adoption Awareness Month – submissions by October 15, 2004
December 2004 – Christmas and Holiday Coping – submissions by November 15, 2004
All submissions to the newsletter (whether by snail mail or
e-mail) must include the following information:
- Full name
- Address
- City, State Zip
- Phone number
- E-mail address
- Has this work been published
previously? Yes No
- (If yes, please provide publisher's
name and address)
- Does H2H have your permission to use
this work in the newsletter? Yes No
- OPTIONAL short biography about your
infertility journey
If you have several submissions (example: sending one e-mail with several poems
attached or mailing several poems in one envelope) each individual
submission must include this information. Submissions not including this
information will not be used in H2H. Thank you for your assistance with
this policy!
Newsletter Submission and Reprint Information
If you think this newsletter would be a blessing to someone you know,
feel free to forward this issue or print it out.
If you know someone who is interested in subscribing to Hannah to Hannah,
please e-mail Jill at newsletter@hannah.org.
Hannah's Prayer is a California based, non-profit 501(c)(3)
organization, established Jan 1, 1995. All staff members are unpaid volunteers who are proclaiming
Christians (from a range of denominational backgrounds) and have personal
experience with the heartache of fertility challenges. 
was
designed exclusively for Hannah's Prayer by