Infertility, Pregnancy Loss & Infant Death Within the Church
Insights for Pastors, Clergy, Elders, Deacons, Church Leaders & "the Guy in the Pew"
"Comfort, yes, comfort My
people!" Says your God.
Isaiah
40:1 (NKJV)
Helping from the Pulpit
(Insights for Church Leaders & Memorial / Recognition
Service Ideas)
Encouragement for Pastors
(Resources
for Ministers - Non Fertility Related)
The Pastor's Partner
(Resources
for Pastors' Wives - Non Fertility Related)
When Fertility
Challenges Visit the Parsonage
(Seminary Students, Clergy &
Other Church Leaders Facing Infertility or Loss)
Tears in the Pew
(Comfort
and Advice for Couples When Church is Painful)
Helping
from the Pulpit
Choose "Insights for
Pastors, Elders, Deacons, & Other Church Leaders" or
"Sermon & Service Ideas" or
"Examples of Caring & Support"
Ralph Camp serves as Chaplain for Hannah's Prayer Ministries. He is an ordained minister who has served on our Board of Directors since 1996, and as a missionary to the American military with Cadence International (formerly Overseas Christian Servicemen's Centers) since 1972. Ralph is the father of Hannah's Prayer co-founder, Jennifer Saake, who joined the Camp family after Ralph and Betty's struggle with secondary infertility and one miscarriage. Ralph's primary area of ministry oversight is pastor outreach and education.
Dear Pastor,
Thank you for the loving concern you have
already shown towards hurting men and women, simply by taking the time to visit
this page. I cannot emphasize to you strongly enough just how important it is
that you as a church leader, and your church as a body, recognize and support
your families who are struggling to become pregnant or adopt children, or who
have lost one or more babies before, during, or after birth. Over and over and
over again, we hear from infertile and bereaved couples that church activities
are some of their most painful times in the entire week. Please, please, please
make your reaction to the issues of infertility and loss a matter of prayer!
To gain a better understanding of the anguish faced by those experiencing fertility challenges, I would encourage you to take a fresh look at God's tenderness toward the issue of infertility as recorded in Hannah's story. Once these words are fresh in your mind, please feel free to work your way through our entire web site, reading several back issues of our newsletter.
Realizing that you may have limited time to explore our resources, this page will attempt to highlight a few key issues that you as a church leader should understand. One place to start offering encouragement is by dealing sensitively with fertility issues in the midst of your church's holiday (mother's day, father's day, Christmas, etc.) celebrations. You may also wish to guide your church body towards a special awareness of the grief infertile/bereaved couples face all throughout the year. If your church has a web site, please add a link to Hannah's Prayer to help those who are silently suffering (for many, infertility or the death of a baby is a very private matter and they may never tell you they need support) understand that God cares about their pain.
It is our prayer the following list of links will offer many wonderful resources to aid you in ministering to your beloved congregation. We welcome any feedback you may have to offer about the usefulness of links on this page, or suggestions for other information that may help Ministers visiting us in the future. Many more ideas for helping others through infertility or a baby's death, including Caregivers and Counselors Resources, are found on our How To Help page.
We have dedicated an entire issue of our newsletter to helping
the families, friends, and churches of infertile and bereaved couples understand
ways to help and encourage their loved ones. Please visit the Summer 1998 issue of Hannah to
Hannah for this resource. A few topics include:
Infertility in the Church
How to Encourage an
Infertile Friend
Comforting
Bereaved Parents
Call
for Comfort
Our
Children Did Exist
A Silent Grief: Pastoral Reflections on Infertility - Rev. Phillip Wheeler looks at the issues facing infertile couples and what Christians can do to show their love for each other in this painful situation.
Christian Based Ethical / Moral Views on Fertility Related Issues -Denominational / Church Views, Statements by Organizations, Published Articles
A Letter to Clergy Members - from Conceiving Concepts
A Prayer for the Grief Counselor - from MEND (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death).
Church Attendance during Infertility or after a Baby's Death - from Hannah's Prayer Founder, Jennifer Saake
"Don't"; Just Say "I'm Sorry"; "Please..." - poems sharing what to say and not to say to someone who has lost a child.
Stillbirth: Helping When The Least Expected Happens is an educational article on stillbirth answering questions such as, "What Is Stillbirth? ", "Why Do Stillbirths Happen?", and "What Can I Do To Help?".
What Bereaved Parents Need From You - from MEND (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death).
Responses to Loss - from MEND
One very meaningful and tangible thing you can offer a bereaved parent is a simple card acknowledging their loss and sharing in their grief.
Special
Services and Resources
A word of advice from one infertile pastor to other ministers:
"Mothers
Day, Fathers Day, as well as Thanksgiving, Independence Day, Memorial Day, etc.
are not Biblical holidays. You are under no obligation from God to
include these as part of your worship services."
Presentation Sunday - a beautiful example of how one church publicly embraces infertility issues with a yearly prayer service. Every year more and more churches are joining in this movement!
Sermon: Ears to Hear the Parable of Life from Cedar Park on Jan. 25, 1998. Psalm 113:1-9; Luke 2:22-33
Sermon: Presentation Sunday: Symbol of Christian Faith, Luke 2:22-33 from Cedar Park Assembly of God church on January 26, 1997. "This year we have made a greater effort to let people outside the church know about our prayers for infertile couples. We ran ads in several local papers, plus did news releases. KIRO Radio did an interview as did KCIS (one hour) and TBN television. Channels 4 and 11 have indicated they want to cover the prayer time. Our website also has testimonies..."
Sermon Notes: Barren in the Land of Plenty, First Samuel 1 - Legacy Drive Baptist Church, Plano, Texas, March 22, 1998, Dr. C. Gene Wilkes. "What do you do when you live in a community that is built around children and you can't have one?"
Suggesting Reading - Hannah's Prayer Book List
Examples
of Grace in Caring and Support from Churches for Families with Fertility
Challenges
Presentation
Sunday is last Sunday in January of each year. This link will show how one
church has taken this day and made it into a special prayer service for couples
struggling with fertility challenges. People come from miles around just to
attend the service, and more prayer requests come throughout the year from
around the world through letters, telephone calls, and email. Though many, many
prayers have already been said over the years by and for these couples, prayers
uttered often in tears in deep anguish, there is something special about a
church that takes time to come together as an entire body to pray specifically
for barren wombs to be filled.
Hannah prayed and pled before the Lord for
years before the Lord opened her womb. What made the day in the temple so
different? I don't really know, but I think in part it was the intervention of
a man of God (Eli the priest) who was willing to get involved and intercede
before the Lord on her behalf. As a church dedicated to prayer for infertile
couples, Cedar Park sees amazing results in new pregnancies, woman carrying to
healthy birth when they have only known miscarriage or stillbirth in the past,
and wonderful adoption stories after each year's prayer service. While no
promises are made, and not everyone prayed for has a miracle story to tell, this
church's ministry is truly unique, one I wish more churches would emulate! For
those who do not receive a child even after being prayed for, what comfort to
know that this church recognizes their anguish and will continue to pray and
care!
A member of Hannah's Prayer recently shared of her
need to find a new church due to the pain and insensitivity she and her husband
faced in a previous church body. Her letter recounts their first Sunday in
their new church home after several months of visiting many different churches.
Here is a beautiful example of ministry to hurting infertile/bereaved couples:
After
service, a couple in attendance approached us and chatted with us. In just a
few short minutes, I found out that they too had struggled with infertility.
And then they introduced us to the Pastor who's wife had lost a baby girl at 24
weeks into her pregnancy a few years ago. She also lost an ovary in an
emergency surgery. My Pastor sometimes includes information about these very
personal tragedies in his message and it always makes me feel more part of
things. Both couples do have children now, Praise God.
I forwarded info to
my Pastor about National Infertility Awareness Week.
He said he would include it in the prayer request section of the information
program on Sunday. My Pastor makes a special point to call us about every two
months and also acknowledges our struggle from time to time. He never offers
advice, even Scriptural on this subject. He just acknowledges that it is a
difficult struggle and asks if I have any special prayer requests and tells me
that he prays for us often. This really means a lot to me and makes me feel
that my pain does have a place in our Church.
Laura K., Sandy Utah
P.S.
A pastor at my previous church was no where near as supportive. When I shared
our struggle with him, he told me about a couple who had eventually divorced
because of struggles with infertility. Kind of a "warning" not to let
it rule our life, but it did not offer me any comfort.
Our Church family has been very supportive in our
struggle with infertility. There has been a significant group of couples
dealing with infertility that our leaders and prayer groups have been praying
for to becoming parents. The group started with 9 or so couples and we are one
of three couples left (of those who have disclosed their situation). I work at
the church office and I've actually overheard our Elders praying for us
childless families. How that warms the heart.
Almost every Sunday there
is opportunity at the end of the service to receive prayer. Several times there
has been a special invitation for those suffering with barrenness. I know our
leadership takes infertility very seriously. About three weeks ago some of our
Elders and their wives anointed me with oil and prayed for healing (from
infertility but also the benign tumor I had recently been diagnosed with).
For
the last two Mother's Days when every mother was asked to stand, our pastor also
asked those who want to be mothers but haven't yet had children (his discreet
way of saying barren) to stand. Then all the children he had gathered at the
front were each given a carnation to bring to each of the ladies standing. The
first year he did this, I stood and cried, both because of being acknowledged
and because I caught the eye of a woman I really respect who mouthed the words "I'm
praying".
I've been a part of this church for almost 18 years now and
have gone through up-and-downs about feeling "knit-in". For me, it is
in the times I've been the most involved that I have felt most at home and a
part of the family. We told our housegroup about our infertility when we first
decided to pursue pregnancy. Our senior pastors' wife has been in there praying
from the beginning. Not too long ago a lady in our fellowship had a miscarriage
and the church's response? A big fruit/gift basket sent to her and the family
to express our concern and care for them during their difficult time.
All
this to say, there are supportive fellowships out there!
Kathy B.
Winnipeg, Canada
Encouragement
and Resources for Pastors and Ministry Leaders
The following links have little or nothing to do with fertility issues. We simply took the time to gather some pastoral resources for you as our way of saying "Thank you" for taking the time to care about hurting hearts.
Pastor Net - resources for church leaders
Under His Wing Ministries - a national support network for pastors, missionaries and Christian workers including a place for them to turn when "they need a pastor."
Small Group Resources for Pastors and Preachers - articles, tips, resource reviews, sermon outlines, illustrations, quotes
Church & Pastoral Resources - GOSHEN Christian Directory
Churches.Com "It is our vision to see the Internet used for reaching out to this lost and dying world with the Word of God. To help those lost find the Lord and help them grow, and help them find a church home."
Reverend Fun - cartoon for pastors
Cute Joke:
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to
visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was
obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had
knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation
3:20" and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the
offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the
notation "Genesis 3:10".
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I
stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I
will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me."
Genesis
3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was
afraid, because I was naked."
Special
Resources for Pastors' Wives
The following links have little or nothing to do with infertility or the death of a child. They are posted here simply to say "Thank you" for your dedication to the Lord through supporting your husband's ministry.
The Pastor's Wife - An international interdenominational newsletter for women married to ministers
Thriving in a Fish Bowl - Pastor's (or Ministry) Wife's Resources
Creative Ladies
Ministry - Resources for pastor's wives and women's ministry in the local
church, retreat and banquet planning, ladies devotionals, Christian graphics,
holiday resources, inspirational pages, and more.
Infertility,
Pregnancy Loss & Infant Death in the Parsonage
Seminary Students, Clergy & Other Church Leaders Facing Fertility
Challenges
Ralph Camp serves as Chaplain for Hannah's Prayer Ministries. He is an ordained minister who has served on our Board of Directors since 1996, and as a missionary to the American military with Cadence International (formerly Overseas Christian Servicemen's Centers) since 1972. Ralph is the father of Hannah's Prayer co-founder, Jennifer Saake, who joined the Camp family after Ralph and Betty's struggle with secondary infertility and one miscarriage. Ralph's primary area of ministry oversight is pastor outreach and education.
Hannah's Prayer Community Forums provide close to 80 issue-specific message board forums related to various aspect of infertility, pregnancy/infant loss, adoption and more. By following this Community Forums link and registering to participate in the Community, you will find our Pastors and Partners forum, offering members of the clergy and their spouses a place to discuss the unique struggles and joys of life in the parsonage. Membership ranges from seminary students to senior pastors. (For extra measures of privacy, Pastors and Partners is a specialized "locked" group with additional password protected required. If you desire to join any locked forum, you will need to go through the above described general application process, then contact the email associated with this specific forum, found on the description of the group in the Community Forums master board.)
A Silent Grief: Pastoral Reflections on Infertility - Rev. Phillip Wheeler looks at the issues facing infertile couples and what Christians can do to show their love for each other in this painful situation.
Advice for seminary students, pastors, and their wives, from personal experience:
I'm a pastor's wife and a woman who
struggles with infertility. When my husband attended seminary, I was really
dealing with infertility. Infertility in the parsonage is sometimes harder
because we are "living in a fishbowl." where everyone can see what is
happening and how we are reacting. We aren't supposed to question God, but we
need to go through every part of the grief process so that we can move on. In
our case, that lead to the adoption of our two
beautiful boys. But that was only after 7-8 years of actively seeking
pregnancy and dealing the implications of infertility. I look forward to seeing
how this page develops.
Amy
I think the number one thing would
be to try to remain strong in your faith. Know that God is not out to get you.
This is a very trying time and the only way to make it through it to keep your
faith in God. Find other ministers who have dealt with this situation. It
helps so much to talk about what is going on. You are not alone in this
situation. Fertility challenges are faced by many couples. There has to be
someone in your area who has dealt with what you have.
Christie Almon
Russell's
Wife since 9/20/97
Mom to Jordan Taylor (due on earth 5/11/99, went to be
with God 9/98)
"But they that wait on the Lord shall renew their
strength, they will mount up on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow
weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31
I am a seminarian in my last year of
school. This March, my daughter Delaney died at 23 weeks. I have had a lot of
care from friends, and have also suffered the terrible and thoughtless remarks
that some people make. I just wanted to write and encourage other women and
men, that although time does not heal, it does seem to help. It is important to
allow yourself and others to grieve in personal ways, and this can be a very
frustrating process. May you and your families be blessed with peace. May your
children always be remembered.
Brandi Calhoun Diamond
I too, live in a parsonage. I lost a
child one year on October 15, 1997. I have to say that it was the people of God
and God that helped me get through this loss. I'm not saying it was easy but
what a better position to be in with all the church people to pray and help you
get through it? We also have a couple other clergy and spouses who have helped
us both, my husband and I, through this past year. I think we all have to rely
on God's promise of salvation and eternal life; what a joy to know that when I
go to heaven my little angel will be waiting with her little tiny arms. Thanks
for thinking about the clergy and family in this web site.
In Gods peace,
Glenda
Tears in the
Pew
Comfort and Advice for Couples When Church
is Painful
Dear Hurting Friend,
We know that church can sometime
become a place of pain, rather than healing, as you struggle through infertility
or try to survive after the death of your baby. You will find many more
resources for dealing with the insensitivity and painful situations in our When They Don't Understand
page. This "Tears in the Pew" section, while similar to "They
Don't Understand," is dedicated specifically to issues involving church and
related functions.
When No One Understands, God is There
Church Attendance during Infertility or after a
Baby's Death
I was recently reading a post on an email list where a
woman shared that she had stopped attending church due to the pain of continual
baby dedications, birth announcements, baby shower invitations, and constant
reminders of her childlessness. A second woman replied to the first with, "You
are disobeying God by not going to church." I had a really hard time with
the statement that stepping away from church attendance for a time is
disobedience. I'm sure most pastors don't like to hear that church can bring
more pain than healing sometimes, but for any pastor serious about ministering
to the infertile and bereaved families in his congregations, please read
this article with a prayerful heart and open mind.
For me, church has often been one of my greatest sources of pain in the infertility journey. Not only are there there holiday celebrations (mother's day, father's day, Christmas's focus on the pregnant Mary and baby Jesus, Easter - where I can relate to our Heavenly Father's grief at the death of His Son but know that I will not see the resurrection blessing of my child until I reach Heaven), and the baby dedications, and the children's programs, and mother's holding infants on their laps... but public worship, in and of itself, opens the floodgates of my emotions so that I feel all emotions more intently in church. Music is designed to open our spirits to connect with the Lord, but in so doing, it can also open the pain. How often I have sat through the praise portion of services unable to even sing as the tears pour down my cheeks - sometimes in anger, sometimes in feelings of abandonment and helplessness, sometimes in longing and heartache, sometimes crying out to the Lord for the desires of my heart, sometimes asking "Why?", and yes, sometimes in thankfulness for all the blessings in my life that I am so quick to overlook in the face of the baby struggles.
So if church is the source of such pain, is it always disobedience to God if we take a break from attendance for a while? Here are some of my thoughts. After attending church on Mother's Day of 1994 (my second MD of infertility), I came home so depressed that I was on the verge of being suicidal for the next three days. I would not get out of bed, brush my hair, get dressed, eat, or even try to pretend that life was ok anymore. I tried to read my Bible and pray, but my prayers came out as angry shout at God, literally shaking my fist and feeling that my Father had abandoned me. It was actually out of that week that God taught me some incredible lessons that have been healing to my spirit and have seen me through the subsequent years of infertility, failed adoptions, and Noel's miscarriage, but I think there are times when attending church is more harmful than helpful!
In the fall of '95 / spring of '96, Rick and I were attending a church that had many problems. Our pastor resigned / was asked to leave, the church split, and there were hurt feelings all around. At the same time, we moved about 20 minutes away. At first we used the move and church split as an excuse not to attend church. We said we would find a new church home in our new community and start fresh. We did look for a new church sporadically, but it was six months before we really tried to plug into a new congregation. That six months was a very lonely, dry time in our lives, but from the infertility perspective, the six month break from corporate worship was the best thing we could ever have done!
I don't expect everyone to understand what I am saying, or agree that we did the right thing in not attending church during those months, but by taking a break from the weekly exercise of church attendance, we were able to experience a needed hunger for fellowship again. Finding a good church family became something we deeply longed for, understanding how important it was "not to forsake the gathering together of believers." Church became of joy and privilege again rather than just something we did every Sunday. The break also helped me gain a better perspective that church is about God not about me. I still cry through baby dedications, rarely attend Mother's Day or Father's Day services, and sometimes fight the old jealousy and heartache as I watch the happy families, but by taking a step back from church for a while, I now can see that even as Hannah cried out to God in anguish in the temple, I can cry in church without shame! But I also must wholeheartedly enter into praise and worship just as Hannah did (after she had been told she would have her heart's desire, but before God granted the request - 1 Sam 1:19).
When I find couples who are deeply struggling with church attendance, I
often suggest that they pray about taking a break from attendance for a while.
This may sound like crazy advice, but I offer it because I know how helpful such
a break was for us. But when I suggest this, I do so with some strong warnings
and safeguards:
- Before you make a decision to stop attending church, even for a few
weeks, pray, Pray, PRAY about this decision. If you don't have peace
about it and don't feel this is what God has for you, don't do it! The Bible is
clear that we are not to forsake corporate worship. We also know that sometimes
worship and praise are sacrifices the Lord asks us to offer. Perhaps church
just feels like "going through the motions" right now and your heart
isn't in it. This is the time to seek the Lord and ask Him for wisdom and clear
direction: Do you need a break to be refreshed and hungry for worship again, or
is this a time He is calling you to offer the "motions" of church
attendance to Him as sacrifice, trusting Him to bring your heart in line in His
timing? I have experienced both answers at different times in our infertility
journey and have seen the blessings that have come out of both taking needed
breaks and sticking with it even when it hurts. If you seek His will, He will
show you the plan He has for you!
- If, after careful prayer, you feel that God has freed you to step away
from church attendance for a while, set a specific period of time. Don't leave
it open-ended like we did. That was a big mistake we made. It is easy to say
that you will take a break for a "few weeks" then see how quickly
those weeks fly by, slipping into months. Again, pray about the length of your
break, but at the same time you make the decision to take a break, mark a
definite date on your calendar of when you will be back in church, then
stick to it! It seems that 4-12 weeks is a good amount of time. Much less than
4 weeks and you don't see much benefit. Much more than 12 weeks and it is very
hard to get back into church.
- Be honest with people. Before you take the break, you may want to go
in and talk with your pastor, or at least write him a note. If you are
comfortable with him knowing about your infertility, this would be a good time
to explain more about your situation so that he can understand where you are
coming from and also be more sensitive to other infertiles he might deal with.
Explain to your pastor the prayer process that has lead you to the decision of
taking a break from attendance, and assure him that you will be back and that
you already have your return date marked on the calendar. If you aren't
comfortable telling him your story, you may want to tell him that there are some
personal family matters that will require you to be away from church for several
weeks and that you could use his prayer support for your unspoken request.
-
Jennifer Saake, Director, Hannah's Prayer, © October, 1998
In response to the above article on church attendance during
infertility/bereavement, a member of Hannah's Prayer offered a few more
suggestions and guidelines for those who are considering taking a short break
from Sunday services:
1. Stay connected through a "small group"
or Bible study. There are usually adult Bible studies where children are not
part of it. I think the fellowship with other Christians is very important
as we develop in our relationship with the Lord. An e-mail list can be great
too, but I think there is value in the face to face contact. I actually get way
more out of small group stuff than I do the regular service.
2. Continue
with your offering even if you are not attending. Maybe send it and include
a note to the Pastor on why you are taking a break.
3. Instead of not going
at all, visit other churches. Maybe you will find that another church is better
suited to your current life situation. Some churches seem to only revolve
around kids' (or family's with kids) activities. Not every church is like this
though. Maybe there is one out there that even has an infertility group! You
never know!
4. If you don't go on Sunday, set aside time to praise and
worship as a family (or by yourself if your spouse is not into it). Have
your own service!
5. If your church has Sunday evening or mid-week
service, try that instead. Maybe there will be less kid-focused activities
then.
Laura K. of Sandy Utah
Ralph Camp serves as Chaplain for Hannah's Prayer Ministries. He is an ordained minister who has served on our Board of Directors since 1996, and as a missionary to the American military with Cadence International (formerly Overseas Christian Servicemen's Centers) since 1972. Ralph is the father of Hannah's Prayer co-founder, Jennifer Saake, who joined the Camp family after Ralph and Betty's struggle with secondary infertility and one miscarriage. Ralph's primary area of ministry oversight is pastor outreach and education.
Counter reset April 2003
Hannah's Prayer is a California based, non-profit 501(c)(3)
organization, established Jan 1, 1995. All staff members are unpaid volunteers who are proclaiming
Christians (from a range of denominational backgrounds) and have personal
experience with the heartache of fertility challenges. 
was
designed exclusively for Hannah's Prayer by