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Hannah's Prayer Tips for Family, Friends, & Caregivers |
How to Encourage Your Infertile or Bereaved Friends
When the
Womb and Cradle are Empty.
An anxious heart weighs a man
down, but a kind word cheers him up.
Proverbs
12:25 (NIV)
When you are going through the challenges of infertility and pregnancy eludes you month by month, or when you are blessed with the joyous news of a coming child, only to have that baby slip too quickly from this life to the next, you turn to family and friends in hopes of support and comfort. Usually those people want to help, but simply don't know how. Often they hurt you in the process either by saying the wrong things, or by saying nothing at all and expecting you to "get on with life" as if your heart weren't broken. This page is intended to be a resource that you can give to your family members and friends who long to reach out to you, but never having walked through your valley of this kind of grief before, don't know the way.
Was It You Who Prayed?
(poem of
thankfulness for a caring friend)
How To Help
(general suggestions
for supporting the hurting couple)
What to Do/Say
(when you want to help but
don't know how)
What NOT to Do/Say
(cautions to
keep your best intentions from causing great pain)
Friends & Family
(how to be a
supportive friend)
Churches and Clergy
(ways the Body of
Christ can help)
Personal Insights from Hannah's Prayer
Members
(what hurting couples want you to know)
Was It You Who Prayed?
Did
you think of me this morning
As you breathed a word of prayer?
Did you
ask for strength to help me
All my heavy burden bear?
Did you speak of
faith and courage
For the trials I must meet?
Did you ask that God might
keep me
As You bowed at Jesus' Feet?
Someone prayed and faith grew
stronger
As I bent beneath my load.
Someone prayed--the way grew
brighter
And I walked all unafraid,
In my heart a song of gladness--
Tell
me: Was it YOU who prayed?
(author unknown)
Like one who takes away a
garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on soda, is one who sings songs to
a heavy heart.
Proverbs 25:20
(NIV)
When No One Understands, God is There
Alternatives for coping when co-workers, family, and friends don't understand about the death of your baby "The people around us when we experience a loss are often "at loss" as to what to do and how long the grieving process takes. Though the first few weeks may bring lots of support and care, time often brings less outside support - just when we might be needing it!
What They Say, What They Mean from the March/April 1997 issue of MEND (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death) newsletter, helps bereaved parents understand the compassionate intent behind ill stated words.
Responding to Insensitive Remarks "If you are a grieving parent, you can probably rattle off a list of a dozen platitudes or cliches you have been bombarded with since the death of your child." This page shares a few rather cutting remarks in responding to insensitive comments that are not healing (to you or to the person you might say them to), but it also shares several rather appropriate and throught provoking responses. Read it with a prayerful attitude (so that you don't allow it to feed your bitterness), but the reading might encourage you in knowing you are not alone in wanting to respond back with cruel comments of your own when someone isn't gentle in their words about your grief.
People Don't Understand from the May/June 1997 issue of MEND (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death).
A Guide to Give To Family and Friends "To help sensitize your family to what you are going through, we have prepared a guide that you can fill in, photocopy, and give your family members. Titled "About (fill in your name here)'s Infertility," the guide is designed to help open the topic for discussion. Write your name in the appropriate blank spaces to make the guide more personal. You may also rewrite the following pages to express yourself in your own way..."
Simply being aware of your friend's pain and recognizing their grief is an important step! Please take a moment to visit the awareness portion of our web site.
We have dedicated an entire issue of our newsletter to helping
the families, friends, and churches of infertile and bereaved couples understand
ways to help and encourage their loved ones. Please visit the Summer 1998 issue of Hannah to
Hannah for this resource. A few topics include:
Comforting Bereaved Parents
Call for Comfort
Our Children Did Exist
Promptings - Sometimes the Lord puts someone on your heart and you don't know why. When a friend comes to mind, don't ignore the prompting to reach out - there may be a desperate need you know nothing about!
Open Letter to Bereaved Parents (Ann Lander's)
What Bereaved Parents Need From You from the March/April 1997 issue of MEND (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death).
Responses to Loss from the March/April 1997 issue of MEND (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death).
"Don't"; Just Say "I'm Sorry"; "Please..." - poem sharing what to say and not to say to someone who has lost a child.
Imagine... is a poem by Jamie Gibbs, mother of 5 children in Heaven, printed in the March/April 1997 issue of MEND (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death). "You can only imagine the pain we have suffered; But we do ask that you try. You don't know what it is like to stand there helplessly; Holding your son as you watch him die..."
Miscarriage, by Rebekah Mitchell of MEND (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death) was published in their March/April 1998 newsletter.. "...I'm ashamed to say that I was one of those insensitive friends who either said nothing at all when a friend miscarried or said the wrong thing. After we lost Jonathan I apologized to every one of my friends who had previously lost a baby and asked that they forgive my heartlessness. I now realize that a pregnancy loss is extremely painful no matter the gestation of the baby. I have found that society drastically minimizes early pregnancy loss. It is considered by many as a medical happenstance and at times a blessing! All too often couples who have miscarried hear well-meaning friends say, "I'm just glad you weren't very far along" or "be glad, there must have been something wrong with IT." As mothers, we are attached to our babies the moment conception is confirmed and sometimes even before fertilization occurs if the pregnancy was planned in advance. And certainly, we don't love them any less if an abnormality is diagnosed..."
Just Say "I'm Sorry" - poem sharing what to say to someone who has lost a child.
Kindness of a Stranger - an inspirational, true story of comfort towards bereaved parents.
What family and friends did right to help me through the death of my baby, compiled by the Atlanta chapter of SHARE.
How to Encourage an Infertile Friend
"Don't" - poem sharing what not to say to someone who has lost a child.
Insensitive Remarks Grieving parents can rattle off a list of a dozen painful platitudes or cliches that have been said to them, often by well meaning friends. This page shares some of those comments along with the reactions bereaved parents would like to be able to use in response. Some of the responses may seem very bitter and cutting, but we ask you to read this page prayerfully so that you may better understand the pain your words can bring if not spoken with great care.
Understanding Your Infertile Child - these poems from the heart of a woman longing for a child, and her mother longing to comfort her grown daughter, are a wonderful example of understanding.
What family and friends did right to help me through the death of my baby, compiled by the Atlanta chapter of SHARE.
A Baby Shower Etiquette Guide What to Do About Baby Showers When Your Friend Has Lost a Pregnancy or is Infertile
How to Encourage an Infertile Friend
Infertility Letter for Family and Friends From a doctor, advice for the family and friends of those he treats.
Shared Journey "My infertility makes me feel..." An insider's explanation of the infertility journey.
Family and Friends From National RESOLVE
Things We Wish Our Family and Friends Knew From RESOLVE of MN.
Infertility: Helping Others Understand "I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don't understand. This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear that my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand."
"About (fill in your loved one's name here)'s Infertility," A guide designed to help open the topic of infertility for discussion, and help you deal sensitively with your friend.
The "Church and Clergy" portion of this page has grown too large to remain as part of the "Family and Friends" page. Please go to our new Insights for Pastors, Clergy, Elders, Deacons, Church Leaders page for a large list of resources including an article on church attendance after infertility or a baby's death.
A Letter to Clergy Members from Conceiving Concepts
A Prayer for the Grief Counselor from the July/August 1997 issue of MEND (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death).
Healthcare Professionals and Loss from the July/August 1997 issue of MEND (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death).
Books for Childbirth Educators, Health Providers & Professionals - including grief and the unexpected in all childbirth classes & working with parents suffering miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death
H.A.N.D. Caregiver Packet Houston's Aid in Neonatal Death has produced information specifically designed for the doctors, nurses, social workers, funeral home personnel, etc., who may provide care for parents who have lost a child to neonatal death. Packets with this information along with H.A.N.D. brochures have been sent to the majority of the OB/GYNs in the Greater Houston Area.
"Health practitioners and counseling professionals may know little about intrauterine death, its causes, its frequency, and parental needs following such an experience. This is in part due to limits of the medical and scientific information regarding intrauterine death, but more to the lack of access to the information that does exist. WiSSP's experience with stillbirth assessment and compilation of medically relevant data provides professionals with information that may help to address questions surrounding a stillbirth and thus to better serve families who experience such a loss. It is our hope that availability of this information online will increase the number of adequately assessed stillborns and will aid in the establishment and maintenance of other comprehensive stillbirth assessment service programs elsewhere." These topics are intended for Physicians, Nurses, and Counselors and are not appropriate for parents or other non-medical personnel.
Do you have any tips that you would like to share with the families and friends of other who are also walking the road of "baby grief" for a child (dead or yet-to-be conceived)? Are you a close friend or family member of a couple facing such fertility challenges? We would like you input on tips and resources for those who desire to come along side their grieving loved ones!
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Never say anything that starts with "At least..."! -Sherri "Mother of 3 Angels" |
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"Don' tell me that I can have your children, because they are such a
handful and I should be glad that I don't have to find a babysitter every
time I want to do something."
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"It was a great comfort to me when one of my friends cared enough to remember the anniversary of my pre-born son's death and birth. She called me specifically at the anniversary date to find out how I was doing. I helped to know that I was not forgotten." - Cindi S. |
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"I want people to know that no matter how far along the pregnancy was, the baby was still a living soul. Our daughter miscarried at seven weeks, and we saw her little baby, but it was almost as if it meant nothing to everyone else. I had a little funeral and buried our first grandchild at the cemetery where our son is buried. I had a little white ring box and very carefully put the baby in it and dug up a clump of dirt to bury this precious one. They are both in Heaven now, and even though we are sad, there will be great rejoicing when we meet them up there." - Mary |
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"Do not tell me that I am being punished for something I did wrong in the past. God is a forgiving God." - Michele |
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"Acknowledge your friend's loss. Typically, when such a loss occurs, those friends who have never experienced such a loss keep their distance because they don't know what to say. Tragically, this makes the mother feel so much more alone. Keep calling your friend, and encourage them to talk about it if they want. Even though you may feel uncomfortable, your continued friendship is one of the few bright spots in their life." - Kristine A. |
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Please do not continue asking when we are planning to have kids. |
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Please do not leave us out of happy moments in your lives. Joy shared gives hope to many. |
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When you see sorrow, hug me - do no tell me that maybe I was not meant to conceive! |
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Please do not share the fact that you "get pregnant every time your husband glances at you from across the room" and that you wish you had my problem! |
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"There have been so many times I just wanted to yell at all the stupid,
inconsiderate words that people, both family and friends, have said to me after
the loss of our infant son when I was 7 months pregnant." |
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Your friend has a husband who, while he is not the one whose body longs to bear a child or feels that his identity is as linked to fatherhood as his wife's is to motherhood, feels a profound sense of inadequacy at not being able to ease his beloved's pain. Especially if he is the one who's body is the cause of their infertility. While his wife is doing her best to hang on to the roller coaster, he is frantically trying to find a way to stop it. Of course that is impossible, but he won't know that for a while. And during that time, odds are great that there will be damage done to their relationship that may prove to be fatal (to their marriage). Unfortunately, even if the couple is Christian, the marriage mortality rate is high because infertility strikes at the heart of ones faith. Often the WORD, which was so often the place to go for comfort becomes an enigma. The door to the Strong Tower seems to be locked. It becomes increasingly difficult to have "family prayer" with his wife because the relationship he has with the Father appears to have been forsaken. The "WHY" in Jesus profoundly lonely cry from the cross "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?" becomes his own. Christ (all glory to His name) loved us enough to die for us, but even his (the husband's) death would not provide the solution to this problem. His impotency, whether physical or circumstantial, rocks him to the core. Heavy stuff, Huh? Don't worry, most men wont even go there let alone talk about it. Just know that this "journey", if successful, will most likely be the most impactful one of his short life on this planet. Thanks for listening. - John |
What do you want your family and friends to know? In one or two lines, please share your tip! If we think your tip would be helpful to others, we will try to post it as soon as possible.
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Hannah's Prayer is a California based, non-profit 501(c)(3)
organization, established Jan 1, 1995. All staff members are unpaid volunteers who are proclaiming
Christians (from a range of denominational backgrounds) and have personal
experience with the heartache of fertility challenges. 
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